Why does it always come to this? I finally meet a guy I like, who seems to like me back and then poof, as if by magic they disappear. Suddenly all the flashbacks from the nights past turn sour and I think to myself was it just me or was I on a different date? I shouldn’t do it but I always blame myself, thinking that I am unworthy of a second date, thinking why me. It depresses me and suddenly I am aware of being caught in the chasm of time. All around me friends are getting married, having children and here I am, unable to get past the second date club. I think to myself that I have finally found someone who likes me for who I am, but I guess I am always wrong. They laugh at my jokes, compliment me, tell me they would like to see me again and then once again nothing happens. I try to make conversation but it feels stilted, forced even and I know that they are not interested. Its pretty obvious and I have too much pride to fight for something that is a lost cause to start with. Friends tell me that it is their loss but is it? Maybe they can see behind the ‘happy mask’ I put on and realize that I am not who I present myself as. Or maybe I am just not their type, I have no idea, no understanding except the overwhelming feeling of sadness every time it happens. It has been so long since I have found my perfect match and although I didn’t care before, didn’t mind that I was single, now I feel lonely.
I want someone to wipe away my tears and tell me I am special everyday. I want them to kiss away that furrow in the middle of my forehead and turn that frown upside down. Is that too much to ask for? I am quite adept at dealing with rejection by this point, lord knows to survive ‘life’ you need to develop a ‘thick skin’ but I guess I’m a little more vulnerable than I would like to admit. I don’t want to tell the truth, I don’t want to admit that every time I open my heart to someone new, the scars bury themselves a little deeper. But the truth is I do want to find someone now, I never believed that I ‘needed’ a guy to make me happy and still don’t but I guess I miss feeling like a Princess. When you find someone who likes you for who you are, it’s like you have struck gold and the whole world goes into slow motion. It’s the best feeling in the world but how would I know? After all I have never been in love, only in love with the idea of being in love and I think I have cracked the code as to why. Growing up I was bullied and abused and as a result I had a warped perception of what ‘love’ was. When I was mistreated by the ‘guys’ that I supposedly ‘loved’ I thought it was normal and excused it as ‘artistic temperament’. Well let me tell you something, it’s not normal to be called names by guys who are meant to be your boyfriends, to be made fun of or physically attacked. That is never okay and the day I realized my worth was the day that I became single. Since that day I reveled in singledom but all that time where I convinced myself that I didn’t need a ‘man’ was at best a hollow lie. I wasn’t being honest with myself because I , like millions of other people, lied to myself daily.
At Uni my Princes turned into Demons and the sweet words that dripped like honey in my ear became venom. I was a broken shell of my former self but still I kept pretending, pretending that I was okay with all my friends finding their ‘happy afters’ around me. It was all a lie, I wasn’t happy, in fact I was jealous, bitter even. But that doesn’t make me a bad person, it just means that I am human and most importantly being honest for the first time. I have been on so many dates in my time that never progressed past ‘the second date club’ and for the most part I was able to ‘heal’ and move on. I thought I had accepted that it was part of life but the truth is I was lying to myself again. When I found someone I liked but they were not the person I thought they were I felt wounded. When I liked someone but they liked my best friend I cried into the empty silence of the night. But when I dated someone who took my breath away and said all the right things I felt hopeful. Then reality came crashing down and my happy ending turned sour and that happy go lucky optimism was transformed into anger. Not at them but at myself, for making myself vulnerable again and letting them into my wounded heart. But can you really blame me for seeking that perfect fairytale romance? I know that real life is full of ups and downs but it breaks me to feel like this, to feel that I am not good enough and will always be second best.
Listen, I can deal with rejection but if you lead me on then I feel trapped in your web of lies. I thought we shared something and as cheesy as it sounds there was a connection, at least on my part. But you still text me, its always on your terms though and then at other times you ignore me. I can’t keep up, I feel like a dancer suspended in flight and I don’t want to have to be the one who makes all the effort. Your not a bad guy, I know your not and I will never utter a bad word about you, but don’t you realize how badly you hurt me? If you’re not interested then just say so, I am a big girl I can take it. But what I can’t take are these murky waters we seem to be treading. I feel like a pawn on your chessboard, chained and only set free when you say so. I should probably ignore you like you do to me but I can’t seem to shake myself from this spell you have me under. I know I need to cut the chains for my own peace of mind though, because everyday I feel a little more of myself breaking apart and its killing me inside…
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