There was a time when I thought I was a lost cause; used and abused I had lost faith in men and eventually in relationships. I was happy for a while and told myself that I didn’t need a man to make me happy. When friends told me that I ‘needed to find someone’ I shrugged them off and said that no man was going to make my life complete as only I had the power to gain life satisfaction. And it was true, never have I believed that it was wrong to be single and I still don’t, in fact it is perfectly normal. Women seem to be labelled spinsters before their time and I am noticing that the older I get, the more that society seems to think there is something inherently wrong with me. I mean how dare I be living the single life and not be tied down to some guy I barely know… Except there is one little tiny snag, when I laugh off not wanting to find a guy and being ‘perfectly happy on my own’ I am in fact lying to myself, lamenting the trials and tribulations of being a girl who is unlucky in love. I just don’t know if it stems out of loneliness or is a genuine want to find a relationship. To be honest I have always been unlucky in love and over the years my ‘metaphorical wall’ has got higher and higher until it became a prison of my own making. When I am complimented I shrug it off and when I like someone I pretend they don’t exist. It makes me sound like a heartless bitch but truth is I am scared of getting hurt, ultimately I am scared of rejection. I despise being made to feel like a failure and when I think that I guy could never like me back I go straight into that mindset without a second thought.
Recently I met this guy who in my own words was my dream man; he was blonde, blue eyed and had looks that could kill. Best of all I was actually his type and much to my surprise I made the first move. You see earlier this year I worked with him only to never see him again until by chance months later. It was an omen I believed, a lucky omen that told me I couldn’t let him get away again. So I went forth with brave heart and secured a date much to my surprise but ever the realist I was convinced he would never text, except I was wrong. He texted within hours and it was a text with promise, or so I thought. But the conversation seemed a little stilted after that and I was convinced that he would stand me up. I was wrong again and he looked even better than I had remembered with that roguish twinkle in his eye we went into the cutest little cafe you could imagine. The date or rather the meet-up went far better than I expected and we didn’t stop laughing, nor did the conversation stop flowing. Time went by at the drop of a hat and when the time came to leave I lingered a little longer. This guy had quite literally bared his soul to me and told me things that I wasn’t sure he had told anyone else. It got me thinking, perhaps I wasn’t as unlucky in love as I once thought.
He was a complicated guy with issues but I like a challenge and quite in opposition to his perception of me I was able to handle his confession with open warmth and understanding. I admired his honesty and was a little shamefaced that I wasn’t brave enough to bare my own skeletons in the closet. I told him a few things of course but I didn’t tell him the story that I wanted noone to know. I kept making hints to meet up again but he would deftly bring the conversation onto safer ground. I couldn’t tell whether he was shy or just not that into me, and being the compulsive thinker that I was, the only thought that sprung to mind was there she is, the girl who is unlucky in love. It was a little unsettling to say the least but nevertheless the giddy ‘schoolgirl’ feeling I felt showed that I liked him at least. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and due to my anxiety I can become obsessive, as the thoughts whirl incessantly in my mind. I remember going on a dinner date with one of my good friends and she told me to stop being pessimistic. Her positive outlook almost convinced me that he would want to meet me again. Except I have been through this shit enough times to know how this merry-go-round works. I am the girl that never seems to get the guy, end of story.
I am a realist and deep down despite our chemistry I thought that he didn’t see me in that way and I think I am right. At the moment I don’t know the whole truth, the only thing is I like a guy that doesn’t seem to be that into me but I like him. It just seems to be my luck, the one time I actually make a move and the guy ghosts me out. He didn’t have to say yes if he didn’t like me like that but maybe I am just overthinking things as usual. He hasn’t done anything wrong and neither have I but I don’t know what will happen next and I think that scares me. I am to scared to ask him directly whether he actually likes me because I am worried the answer is already pre-determined, I am worried it will be a no and I am not sure how much more rejection I can take right now. It’s kind of weird because he seems to be a completely different person in text, one who I have to push to make conversation yet in person there seems to be no barrier. I don’t really know what to do but I know that its making my anxiety go through the roof and when I am in this obsessive state of mind, time seems to go still. It’s been so long since I have felt this strongly about someone and I barely know the guy. Could this girl, the Queen of being unlucky in love get the guy? Yet I feel that in one way we are kindred spirits, maybe it wouldn’t be corny to say that I see a bit of myself in him. We are both damaged souls but maybe just maybe I am not what he needs right now. I just feel humiliated again and I don’t know why…
Have You Ever Been Unlucky In Love?