Let’s face it, since the dawn of time where the caveman grunted out his affection for the cavewoman, us women have been inundated with catcalls, cheesy pick up lines and offhand comments that have made us question said catcaller’s sanity. I can’t be the only one who cringes every time someone tries to act ‘all suave’ and comes out with a chat up line that is cheesier than the good ol’ Stilton I am currently scoffing. It makes my toes curl and my heart shrivel, in short I am not a massive fan of chat up lines. I might be what you call a ‘realist pessimist’ but for others they adore chat up lines and no matter how cheesy they are, their hearts burst with joy. Regardless, we are all different but as someone who finds it hard to take a compliment (what is his motive?) it is little wonder that I find chat up lines cheesetastic.
Unsurprisingly, the worst chat up lines I have ever received have been online, with POF and OK Cupid being the worst offenders; from guys telling me that they have a thing for ‘Latin Women, so they can have their own mixed raced baby (ok I’m not Latin or mixed race, as you can quite clearly tell by my bio I am British but sure dream out your fantasies because they wont be coming true anytime soon!) to men who ask me on my thoughts on becoming a sugar daddy slave ( I mean I like older men but A. your old enough to be my Granddad, B. I don’t like the idea of being brought and C. the notion of a ‘slave’ is offensive and archaic, go back to the dark ages where you belong. FYI I am not going to be calling you daddy anytime soon!
Sure sugar daddies and politically incorrect guys who have some sort of ethnic complex seem to throw inappropriate chat up lines my way but they are by no means the worst, in fact over the course of three months I have been screenshotting the worst chat up lines I have received online for my readers amusement. Sadly for you I wont be revealing the identity of said weirdos, after all lets give them some time to seek help for their sins against dating. After all maybe one day they will be able to re-enter the dating game as a more refined, changed man?
Let the dating games commence.
- The Guy Who Judges You Based On The Colour Of Your Skin
To be honest, many of the chat up lines are often based on the colour of my skin as 75% of guys always think that I am ‘foreign’ and therefore ‘exotic’ as they like to put it. Fella’s I’m about as exotic as a roast dinner, but don’t let that stop you from racial profiling, oh no keep going with your offensive commentary. I have had guys send me messages online saying ‘what country are you from, you don’t look British’ to guys tell me ‘ that they think I look spicy, because of that Latina blood in me’. Ladies and gentleman, let me tell you a very important story about Latina’s; they are women and girls of Latin American origin or descent not women who have European heritage, it is not insulting to me but to them that you marginalize everyone under the same umbrella. FYI don’t use terminology you don’t understand, its not cute.
For me I am proud of my Portuguese heritage but at the same time I don’t feel the need to tell a random stranger in the bar why ‘I don’t look British’ because in all honesty it is a little offensive to judge someone on the colour of their skin, especially if you are trying to ‘chat them up’. I have had guys come up to me in bars and be like ‘where are you from’ to which when I would reply ‘London’ they would quite adamantly tell me that I am not ‘British’ as I don’t look British. I’m not about to get into racial politics right now but haven’t we moved past the dark ages, where multi-multiculturalism wasn’t integrated into our societal infrastructure? Look around you, there is more than one type of ‘British’ woman and just because I don’t look like a ‘Typical English Rose’ as you so bluntly put it, does not mean that you have the right to question my national identity.
2. The Guy With All The Fetishes
Like Rodger from American Dad said ‘ we’ve all got a kink’ meaning that there is some part of us which is naturally drawn to S& M and that’s ok, its perfectly normal. What’s not ok though is imposing your beliefs on others and calling someone ‘frigid’ if they don’t like the same things as you do. Its why its called ‘opposites attract’ dummies because we all have our own opinions on what we find attractive or what turns us on. I had a guy tell me ‘he would love to take me to Torture Garden ( A Fetish Club in London) and see ‘how pain I could withstand’ because the ‘more endurance I had’ the more he would get turned on. Let me tell you something, I feel pain very easily and my idea of fun does not involve being tortured for someone else’s gain. Sure a bit of bondage play is no harm but if you are quite literally paying to watch me cry ( and trust me that is not a pretty sight) then there is clearly something wrong with you.
I am what I like to call open minded but I have my limits and there are some no-go zones when it comes to ‘dating’ and extreme torture is one of them. I’d rather have a guy take pictures of my feet than go to Torture Garden LOL. On second thoughts I have had interesting messages from people who have ‘foot fetishes’ who wanted to pay me to get my feet photographed. I said no, feet creep me out and watching someone else dribble over my own feet is definitely not a turn on.
3. The Guy Who Attacks Your Profession To Make Himself Look Better
I had a guy message me on POF ‘Hey so what lies are you writing about or is that not you’ and when I ignored his message he said ‘BBZ ( I think he meant babes?) stunning but what you wear them boots not you I think’ (direct quote FYI so excuse the bad phrasing) . I was curious to understand what the f**k he was on about so I messaged him saying ‘I am not sure what you mean’ to which he turned around and told me ‘ I say lies because you’re a journalist and journalists are not decent people because they lie, you lie, not you I think’. I presume what he means by ‘not you I think’ is that because I am a journalist it automatically makes me a liar, thus I must be a catfish to be on POF.
You want honesty? I’m about to serve it to you flaming hot, so get ready for the burn. If you want to go down the stereotype route then I can do exactly the same with you; it says on your profile that you are banker, so does that mean that you swindle thousands of pounds out of unsuspecting people’s pockets so you can line your own? And before you cry out that is a ‘stereotype’ yes I know, doesn’t it hurt when you get judged on your occupation? Not so dishonest now am I? But I digress, with online dating some peoples version of a ‘chat up line’ reverts to playground tactics. You know the one ‘Oh I hate her, she’s ugly’ when secretly they actually want to bone you’ its lame and its immature. Besides there is a difference between ‘teasing’ and being outright rude. You my friend need to go back to dating school ‘because calling someone a liar, based on their occupation’ as an opening line, is not a winner in my eyes.
4. The Mildly Inappropriate Sex Pest/ The Guy Who Was Looking For His Personal Sex Doll
I’m all for dirty talk, who isn’t but some guys need some schooling in their ‘chat up line techniques’ because some of your messages are downright creepy. I have had guys tell me that because ‘i’m petite they would like to destroy me’ to a guy tell me ‘that he’d like to stretch me like a KFC bucket’ which admittedly cracked me up. I don’t know what he was thinking but a girl will not get turned on if she is compared to a KFC bucket so matter how ‘finger licking good’ it is. Besides he was obviously A. referring to the size of his penis and insinuating it was ‘big’ and B. hungry for chicken, that is honestly the only explanation I could think of to bring KFC into the conversation. Plus that sounds bloody painful, I know I am a vegetarian but have you seen the size of those KFC buckets? They are freaking huge!!!
And he’s not the only one. I remember feeling excited that I had an impending message in my inbox waiting from someone who was most definitely’my type on paper’ but all of that fizzled out as soon as I saw his response to my question. I had commented on how I loved how he described himself as a deep thinker and was passionate about living life to the full and when I asked him what brought him to POF he stated that he was looking ‘for his own highly sexed girlfriend’. To keep the charade going I said ‘… and hopefully someone with a personality…’ to which he replied he was more interested in ‘how good they were in the bedroom’. Bloody unbelievable, no wonder he’s still single if he ‘says he’s looking for love’ but isn’t really interested in getting to know them and really just wants a f**k. Let me tell you something, there are so many websites were you can buy sex dolls from, just don’t message unsuspecting women pretending you want a relationship when in reality you are just ready to bone!
5. The Sugar Daddy Who Wants A Young ‘Lass’
I know I like older men but your old enough to be my granddad! I was coming home from a Christmas In July press event and had evidently forgotten to take off my lanyard which had my full name and blog address on the front. Unbeknownst to me, the old fella had taken down my details and quickly pinged me an email. He stated ‘that he liked my style’ and that he ‘thinks I had a brain’ ( I mean I got a first in my degree so I’d like to think I’m pretty smart) so he’d love to take me out ‘unless I was Hitler or an axe murderer’. Safe to say this guy was pretty intense and told me ‘he had sent me a request on Linked In’. When I logged in to see how my admirer was, I quickly clocked that he was undoubtedly in his 50’s or 60’s and I couldn’t help but laugh.
For your information, I like guys that are in the 25 – 35 age bracket not old enough to be my granddad. I mean I am flattered that you reached out to me but NO. And he is not the first self proclaimed sugar daddy to swing chat up lines my way, I had one guy approach me in the bar telling me that he ‘liked how submissive I looked’ and he would love to treat me like a princess’. I get how some people might think that is sweet, after all who doesn’t like being spoiled rotten but for me I feel uncomfortable when someone offers to buy me a drink never mind meals with someone who I don’t like. And FYI, this whole idea of ‘submissiveness’ is another idea that buys into racial profiling or fetishism; the idea that ‘rich older men’ are attracted to ‘young women who are from or appear to be from an ethnic minority bracket’ so they can be seen as a ‘dominant male in the so called submissive woman’s eyes . It’s called a stereotype for a reason, its a mythological assumption that a certain group of women will be more docile and more likely to want a ‘sugar daddy’ than another ‘racial bracket’.
Read More Dating Disasters Below…
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