Have you ever been on a date so hilariously bad, that the only solution was to bury your head deep in the sand and pretend that the date never existed? Or perhaps your date was going swimmingly well until the ‘dicksand’ erupted and your date showed his/her true colours? Or maybe you didn’t even get to a first date, after being ghosted and finding out months later that the geezer was married all along? Whether your first date was grim, cringe or downright creepy, Faded Spring wants to hear from you. But first grab yourself some strong gin and settle down for a drinking game I like to call ‘my worst first date’. Every time I mention ‘worst first date’ give yourself a well-deserved drink, because trust me, you are going to need it!
I was relatively new to the ‘online dating’ scene, after being in back to back relationships from a young age and found the world as a ‘singleton’ a scary ass place. Especially when the majority of my friends were coupled up and would ask me every Goddamn 30 seconds when I was going to ‘find a boyfriend’. Truth was I didn’t need a boyfriend to make me happy and for the first time in five years I felt relieved that I was no longer in a relationship. I had controlling boyfriends, ones that used me to make themselves look better and the cheating exes. I was tired of being used and abused and was relishing the ‘single life’. But still, the insecure part of me craved some male companionship and so bowing down to peer pressure, I created an online dating profile, alongside my other single friends.
While my friends went on date after date, I was picky and it took me a few months to even arrange a first date with someone. I had just binge watched classic Catfish episodes and lord knows I didn’t want to be dating someone who was not who they said they were. Besides, dating from a young age meant that I had never been on a ‘real first date’ so I was a little wary of the ‘online dating’ scene to say the least. Eventually I found this attractive guy from Essex who I seemed to connect with and asked him out on a date.
We arranged to meet in the ‘classy’ Spoons (his choice not mine) and while my stomach was grumbling out for food, he said he’d rather not eat and that we ‘should have drinks instead’. I pointed out that I was hungry and was going to get myself some food but he ‘firmly told me’ that he does not like to watch girls eat in front of him, because it ‘puts him off’. Truth be told I should have just ‘upped and left’ there and then but rather than let his careless words offend me, I settled down for the most intense first date I have ever been on. A few moments later, his comments about women and food were quickly forgotten as his tales about his friends and family had me in stitches and I began to feel more at ease. But don’t sit too comfortably yet, not only did he criticize my choice of drink ‘ciders for pussies’ but he also told me that his nickname was ‘monster’ because he had a huge ‘dick’ and that I should be grateful for an opportunity to date him seeing as he was ‘so in demand’. Ladies let me tell you something, if a guy is boasting about the size of his dick then he either has a small wiener or thinks that his best chat up line is to think with his dick the entire time.
Safe to say, I was growing less impressed by the minute. This guy was an absolute tool and my patience was wearing thin, especially since I was ready to launch myself into the kitchen and grab all the food they had I was that hungry. But MR Tool was so self-assured that I was so won over by his ‘womanizing’ ways, that he proceeded to tell me just how well he thought the date was going. Not only did he tell me how much his friends would love me because I had a ‘smoking hot ass’ (I don’t know if he noticed but I also had a face and ya’ know an actual personality) but he also told me he had a ‘five year plan’. I probably shouldn’t have asked but I was convinced that the first date couldn’t get any worse. I was wrong, oh so very wrong.
This so called five year plan consisted of ‘marriage, babies and meeting the ‘rents’. His exact words were ‘I think we could make beautiful babies together, then get married and I can fly you out to my parents in New York’. I’m not in love with you yet but I know that we will have a bright future together. I mean WTF is he on… crack? A. I like to get to know people before I start thinking of having babies together, B. I don’t want to get married any time soon and C. flying me out to New York to meet your parents when I have only just met you is a little cray-cray. Besides, I like to think that the guy I would do all of these things with would be my soulmate and you my dear MR TOOL, are not getting into my pants anytime soon. So take your misogynistic ways out of my life and go rethink your attitude before you take anyone on a first date again.
I thought my worst first date was well and truly over but it turns out I was just kidding myself. I made my excuses to leave and he told me ‘what’s the rush’ lets get started on that five year plan and begin with step one- sex’. I mean call me crazy but I am pretty sure I told you more than once that I wasn’t interested and you think that the best way to woo me is confirm every suspicion I had about you and use me for sex? I mean I like sex, who doesn’t but preferably I’d like to have sex with someone who I actually like and you my friend is someone who I dislike very much.
Not to be put off, he was determined to ‘drive me home’ in his fancy car as he called it and when I told him I would walk, he was flabbergasted. How could I ever resist the chance to ride in his ‘pussy mobile’ in which he gleefully told me he’d done a lot of ‘dogging’, I would be crazy to not take him up on that offer?! Eventually he took the hint and left me alone but 5 minutes later I was bombarded with text after text about how he couldn’t stop thinking about me and ‘knew’ I felt the same way as he did about me. I don’t, now f**k off. He called me his ‘posh bird’ and he said he already told his friends we were an item. I almost felt sorry for him at this point, he was obviously so deluded that he had kidded himself into thinking that we had this ‘fantasy dream date’ that evidently I don’t remember being part of as it was a shitstorm from the get go. I sent him a final message wishing him luck in the future and promptly blocked him. Bye Felicia!
While I have had plenty of dating disasters, this was the first ‘real date’ I had been on outside of a relationship and one of the worst first dates I have been on to this day. From the awful misogyny to boasting about how great he was every 5 f**king minutes, this guy was an absolute tool and the train that was heading towards ‘great first date central’ had crashed and burned within 5 seconds of meeting him. Ladies and gentleman, while my worst first date seemed like a scene from Eastenders, this time I want to put the spotlight on you. Think you have a ‘worst first date’ to rival mine, or have a first date that is so cringe-worthy that everyone needs to know? Then email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for a chance for your story to be featured here on Faded Spring. Go on, bless me with your dating disasters…
What Has Been The Worst First Date That You Have Ever Been On?
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