As yet another couple proceed to show each other ‘what their insides look like’ by forcefully tonguing each other, with such gusto you would think they were competing for the winter Olympics, I’m pretty sure that I might have ‘vommed’ a little bit in my mouth. And I’m not just saying that because I am a ‘Bitter Betty’ with no bae to my name, but because if I wanted to watch porn I would just go home and pop a cheeky video on ‘Redtube’ on. After all it’s not like I signed a lease form that guaranteed me hours of very uncomfortable PDA, while I attempted to read my book on Anne Boleyn is it? I’m like one of those grumpy cat women on Valentines Day, with a face like a slapped arse wishing that all the couples around me would magically disappear so I could eat my f**king Mac ‘N’ Cheese in peace. I mean what’s a girl to do, to get some service round here? But surprise, surprise while my love life might be a total s**ts storm, at least I can look fabulous, even if my version of ‘Valentines Day’ is hibernating in my room, while pigging out on Pizza in my ‘Jammies’.
Now, if like me, you are the most unorganized person in existence and you spend most of your time searching for lost puppies in your room, then this ‘hastily thrown together’ Valentine’s Day guide, will be right up your alley. And no, that’s ‘definitely not’ a euphemism. So whether you are single and ready to mingle or are practically married,my gal Jasmine – AKA my sassy alter ego- has sorted you out and good and proper. And don’t worry, if your idea of a perfect Valentines Day is one where it doesn’t exist, then I can make that happen. Because I like to think of myself as the ultimate ‘Fairy Godmother’ who unlike the utterly useless Father Christmas actually makes dreams come true all year round. From date night outfit couture that will guarantee to have you walking like a ‘crab’ the next morning, to the single gal’s guide to ‘slobbing out’ , I got the goods to make your ‘Valentines Day one to remember… Question is what will you choose?
Get ‘dem Sexay’ Undies in your life and drop it like its hawt
After staring at the same pair of sexy undies in Primark for the last 40 minutes, I’m pretty sure the staff think I’m a little cuckoo. I can almost sense them gazing into my mind and thinking what’s the point, it’s not like I’m going to have sex anytime soon. And they are right, the last time I got laid I’m pretty sure it was a regrettable mistake and I have been dodging fuckboy’s ‘bullets’ ever since. But don’t let my lackluster sex life get in the way of you dropping them undies on Valentines Day.Oh no girl, by all means get yourself the most arse chapping pair of thongs that ride so high up your bum crack that your vagina is practically hanging out you can. Because regardless of whether you are wearing some saucy lingerie to ‘turn your partner on’ or like me just really enjoy wearing underwear that is unpractical in every single way possible, then you are in luck. From bustiers that miraculously turn your B Cups into double GG’s (where on earth have you been hiding those) to suspenders that will quite literally ‘suspend your partners thoughts’ there is a special ‘saucy something to suit everyone’s tastes.
Oh and for the record, just because you are single does not mean you can wear the same ‘scaggy pair’ of undies for two weeks. Because let me tell you something, it does not matter whether you are getting any action or not, don’t skimp on the undie front. And let’s face it, I might have been ‘out of the dating game’ for a while but wearing sexy lingerie makes me want to ‘touch myself in all the right places’… Obviously I am joking but my point is that the ‘power’ of great lingerie has the ability to not only boost our confidence but also makes us feel empowered. So if you want to spend your Valentines Day, lounging around in lingerie then by all means be my guest.
Shop The ‘I Didn’t Have Lingerie So I Posed In Swimwear Look’
Shop Lingerie That Will Blow Your… Mind (Get Your Head Out Out Of The Gutter You Filthy Animals)
Step Outside Out Of The Cliche ‘Red and Pink Bubble’ And Try Something New
When it comes to Valentines Day, I can almost imagine the hordes of men and women who will frantically douse themselves in layers of pink and red until they quite literally look like giant (but cute marshmallows). But let me tell you something, there is nothing wrong with ‘stepping out of the V day bubble’ and trying out a different colour or two on for size, Whether you have decided it’s time to fulfill your destiny of becoming a ‘part time mermaid’ in a dash of green and blue or want to channel your inner vestal virgin with pure snow white, there is more to Valentines Day then blending in with the rest of the crowd. Now I’m not saying you have to find the most dazzling green sequin dress and pose nonchalantly in the middle of Shoreditch, waiting for your ‘merman’ to drop by, or that you have to forgo pink and red all together, just be a little imaginative and spread your wings a little bit. And yes I appreciate the irony considering the ‘pink and red outfits’ I have in this post, but hey girl, I got cats to put through college, ya know what I am saying?
So after spending all night contemplating what to actually put in my ‘Valentines Day Guide’ I figured that f**k it anything goes and I will be damned if I have to adhere to a specific dress code. Not today Satan, Not today. Which brings me to my long rambling point, isn’t the whole supposed mantra of Valentines Day about loving yourself or something equally as cheesy as that? So if you would rather metamorphose into a giant blue butterfly than look like a massive poster child for V-day Rom Coms or want to wear something that is as dark as your soul, I hear you loud and clear. And let’s be real, I love the colour red but I am more likely to be seen in the colour blue or pink because its more me, and that’s ok. Just do you girl.
Shop The Proof You Don’t Need To Wear Red Look
Shop All The Colours Of The Rainbow (Except Pink And Red They Have Been Banned)
On The Other Hand Get Full Blown Valentines Diva With You Guessed It… Cliche Red and Pink
Now I know I said to be ‘creative’ and wear outfits that stray away from the ‘typical Valentine’s theme’ but then again at the same time, Valentines Day only comes around once a year so you might as well make the most of it . You know what I am saying? So whether you hack into Candy Crush’s HQ and turn into a sugary pink confection or are feeling a little spicy in a sassy senorita get up, its time to make pink and red the back up dancers in your ‘dance routine’. Oh and bonus points to all the chica’s who pair red and pink together, you all win a grand prize for being so God damn perfect. You know how I live for that monochromatic get up y’all. Or if the thought of walking around like you are a billboard for Tinder makes you want to cry, then it’s ok a pop of red or pink will do, even if it is just a swipe of red lipstick.But if the idea of looking like a cherry tomato or a delicious pink candy floss, is your idea of a fabulous get up, then I am totally game for that too.
Do– Pretend You Are Blair Waldorf waltzing around the ‘big city’ of New York, waving at all your adoring minions who follow your every beck and call.
Do-Sign Your Own Autograph and bonus points if you write your own Valentines card because your crush is too scared of you following them home.
Don’t– Believe in the mantra that less is more. If you want to be a cross between a bottle of tomato ketchup and a pink Labrador, then you f**king well do it babe. Haters Gonna Hate.
Don’t– Cry because you are so single it hurts. Knock back a bottle of pink fizz (or 5) and spend £500 on all the pink and red outfits you could fit into your basket, before being chased by the police, because you were so drunk you forgot to pay for your shopping.
Shop The Red Flamenco Diva Look
Shop Some Cliche Red And Pink Looks Below Gals (And Don’t Think About Your Bank Balance. Be Like Me And Pretend It Doesn’t Exist).
And Now Some Actual Useful Advice For All Those Ladies Who Are Celebrating Valentines Day
What To Wear If You Are Going On A Date Night With Zac Efron
So you scored yourself a date with Magic Mike, (yes I know that’s not his name, whatever) and you are feeling a tad nervous. After all the only reason Zac Efron agreed to go on a date with you was because you climbed through his bedroom window at 4 AM with a tattoo of his face on your bum, pissed out of your head. He thought that the only way to get you out of his room was to agree to a date and you very ‘graciously accepted his offer’, already planning to make a magic spell that would bind him to you forever. But as all Cinderella’s know once the clock strikes midnight, the magic wears off and you need something to convince him that you are not a crazy ass stalker.I mean who isn’t flattered by the thought of a random stranger getting a tattoo of someone who isn’t their boyfriend on their arse. Obviously I would be flattered , wouldn’t you? But all jokes aside, this quite literally would be the mother of all dates, a date that will be the happiest moment of your life, period.
Now while a date to a club might involve you turning up, looking like you forgot your skirt at home, this date with Zac Efron is a classy affair. Although girl, after your performance last night, there is slim chance that he is going to want a second date with a girl who climbed through his window, with a tattoo of him on her arse. And he didn’t even see the magical shrine that you had dedicated to him in your room, or the vibrating dildo with a picture of him attached. Nevertheless in order to convince MR Blue Eyes that you are an ‘elegant’ lady who is the furthest thing from a stalker that you could find, I scoured the internet far and wide to put together ‘looks that will make him fall in love with you’ and if all else fails, just f**king grab the money and run.
Shop The ‘Make Zac Efron Fall In Love With You’ And Forget You Are His Stalker ‘Look’
Shop Zac Efron Approved ‘Love Potion’ Looks
What To Wear If You Are Single And Don’t Give A F**k
When it comes to dating my share of f**kboys, I have been there and worn the T-shirt, hell when all my friends seem to be getting married and having children, there is me destined to become a woman who lives alone with her six cats and dogs for the rest of her life. But let me tell you something, I find it so condescending when people ask me if there is ‘something wrong with me’ because I have been single for so long or ‘when I’m going to get a boyfriend’ as though my entire life’s ambition is ruled by whether I am in a relationship or not. No T, no shade, no pink lemonade but I would rather be single and happy than be miserable with someone who doesn’t love me for who I am. It’s ok to be single, it’s ok to never want to marry or have kids, and it’s even ok to not want to have sex with random strangers who sidle up to you in the clubs. Which is where the art of not giving a f**k comes in, whether that be through treating ‘Valentines Day’ like any other day or slobbing out in your jammies, it really is up to you as to how you choose to style yourself this V-Day.
Because I truly don’t give a f**k and am treating ‘Valentines Day’ like any other day, I’m planning to spend my day slobbing out in my cute ASF onesie, a cozy dressing gown and of course slippers that will keep my feet toasty and warm. Normally I would just lounge around in my underwear or in the nude but since I actually have to create a look for the ‘single girl who doesn’t give a f**k’ I figured that just telling you to go naked wasn’t going to cut the mustard. That being said if you wanted to wander around in your finest ball gown, looking like you were auditioning for the part of ‘Belle’ In Beauty and The Beast then that’s totally fine too.And if you are feeling even braver you could stroll through Brick Lane in your dressing gown, prowling through the streets daring each f**kboy to a thumb wrestle. Spoiler alert you win.
Shop The I’m Feeling Sassy Look
Shop The I Don’t Give A F**k If It’s Valentines Day
What To Wear If You Are Single But You Came To Slay
So your ex was a total knobhead and left you reeling at his f**kboyness. But instead of throwing his things out the window or creating a ‘Voodoo Doll’ with his face on it, you decide to show him what he is missing and have a little fun along the way. From twerking in the club and grinding on the cutest guy you could find to attending an Anti-Valentines party and ‘Sissying that walk’, make sure your fierce dance moves match your equally fabulous outfit. Now I am not saying that you have to walk around with your vagina flaps hanging out to show your ex what you are missing, nor do you have to go on the pull. After all the first thing that I did when I broke up with my ex was pour myself a bubble bath and read a book, as going on the pull was the furthest thing from my mind. But since then I have enjoyed reveling in the single life and while I would not necessarily label myself as a ‘party girl’ sometimes it is a lot of fun to let your hair down and just have fun.
Being a ‘single pringle’ often has a stigma associated with desperation, but coming from someone who used to be in relationships to mask my insecurities, being single for such a long time has honestly helped me grow in confidence and made me realize that I shouldn’t just settle for any f**kboy whose only asset was being good in bed. And lets face it, I got sex toys for that. When you enter singledom it can often be ‘freeing’ and for me it influenced the way I dressed too. I had exes who had a ‘say’ in what I wore so I often felt limited in my ‘styling choices’. But suddenly I was single and I was free to wear whatever I wanted and it felt incredible. It was like a rush of adrenaline coursed through my veins and I was living for my new found confidence. Which is where the ‘single but slay ‘ outfit comes in;While you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone, sometimes the worst thing you can do is shut yourself in your room and pretend like reality doesn’t exist. But nothing makes me feel better than getting dolled up to the nines and floating through the tube in a dreamy Princess dress or getting my sexy on in a dress that makes me look like I have an actual arse.
Shop The ‘I Might Be Single But I Came To Slay’ Look
Shop Slaying That Single Life
What To Wear If Dresses And Skirts Make You Want To Cry
Lets face it, dresses and skirts are not for everyone and I totally get it. After all noone should be forced to wear something that they are not comfortable wearing and if trousers are more your ‘shingding’ then its completely ok. You don’t need to wear a pair of heels or a dress to feel sexy and something as simple as a cute ruffle top or your favourite pair of jeans can be perfect for Valentines Day. After all if you live in the UK like me then chances are you don’t always want to spend the rest of your week bunged up with the flu just because you wore that dress that only partially covers your bum do you? And there is nothing wrong with sticking with ‘comfy’ because in my opinion there is nothing sexier than feeling comfortable in your own skin. So you better werk baby. While it’s ok to still want to dress up for Valentines Day in a tailored jumpsuit or a smart pair of trousers, at the same time rocking up in a pair of distressed jeans with a cardigan and colour-coordinated outfit is just as fun, and an unexpected outfit combination for Valentines Day as well. And if heels make your feet want to shrivel up and die a cute pair of flats will be there to take that pain away.
My point being is ‘Valentines Day’ or not, we have the freedom to choose clothing that identifies with our own perception of ‘personal style‘, whether that be a dress or trousers. Growing up I was very uncomfortable in my own skin because I had a form of body dysmorphia and despised my small breasts, small petite frame and what I saw as a ‘lack of curves’, especially when the bullies would claim that I was ‘very manly’ or ‘looked like a boy’. I remember an uncomfortable moment where someone walked past and whispered rather loudly to their friend as to whether I was a ‘boy or not’ and me bursting into tears as my self esteem plummeted. But when I found fashion I stopped fixating on what people thought about me and started dressing up in ‘dresses and skirts’ that made me feel like a million dollars. While I do wear trousers now and feel more at ease with my own body, I am at my most comfortable when I am in a 50’s style dress with a flower crown, faux fur coat and heels whereas someone else’s version of ‘personal style’ on Valentines Day might be a pair of jeans and flats. And that’s ok, just do you boo.
Shop The Anti Dress & Skirt Because ‘Comfy is the new sexy’ Look
Shop Trousers, Tops, Jumpsuits & Denim Because Skirts Are Banned Below
What To Wear If You Are Feeling Fishy Tonight
Maybe you are feeling like you need to be a ‘Rich Fish’ tonight and slay the motherf**king house down in an outfit that screams your best ‘hot couture’. Well luckily I know a thing or two about putting a ‘fishy look’ together with more gowns than you can count friends, making me the perfect host for serving ‘rich fish realness’. From drop dead sequin gowns that are more at home on a catwalk than at a fancy Valentines Dinner Date, to ball gowns that only someone like Cinderella would wear, it’s time to get balls deep in ‘fishy eleganza’ that will have your audience gagging for the gods. Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with Ru Paul’s Drag Race, the term ‘fish’ means someone who likes to exaggerate their femininity through over the top fabulous gowns, dripping in more jewellery than a bank robber’s stash and of course with a face painted for the gods. So while the term ‘fish’ might usually apply to a drag queen who is very feminine like Courtney Act in this case we can use it to inspire us to channel our inner fish through dramatic feminine silhouettes. Make up is bold and out there, while prints and colours are fun yet elegantly feminine with fish-tastic colours like pink and red and 50 shades of blue turning your Valentines Day into a night you wont forget. And by that I mean you will be walking like a crab the next morning because thing go ‘bump’ in the night. If you catch my drift.
As I mentioned my personal style is very 50’s orientated for formal wear, while the 60’s and 70’s inspire my daywear looks, meaning that when it comes to serving ‘fish’, I live for era’s which accentuated feminine silhouettes. For example the 50’s would feature a fitted bodice, while the skirt would plume into a midi, while the 70’s would favour loose, flowing bohemian silhouettes that were emblazoned in floral prints, both romantic era’s who knew a thing or two about giving you Valentine’s day drama. While the 60’s was infamous for its inclusion of ‘gender neutral’ outfits with androgynous icons like David Bowie, alongside the a-line ‘Mod’ silhouette, you also had the Mary Quant mini skirt, which was the epitome of a youth-centric feminine look, that defined the latter part of the decade. So depending on your definition of ‘fish realness’, below are some ‘fishy looks’ that have been inspired by the 50’s Hollywood Glamour, the 60’s Youth Culture and the 70’s Bohemianism.
Shop The Rich Fish I ‘Dumped My Sugardaddy’ Look
Shop Serving Fishy Realness Below
What To Wear If Are Bitching About F**kboys With Your Girls For ‘Palentines Day’
For the first time in years none of your friends are getting married and for once you are all single. But instead of being like the past versions of yourselves and getting back into the ‘dating ring’, you decide that this year things are going to change, you are going to focus on your ‘number ones’ and let your exes ‘eat dust’. For today marks a new tradition, where f**kboys cease to exist and the only thing that matters is hanging out with your Girl Squad. Because it’s like my Jasmine always said ‘F**kboys come and go but your gals are always there to hold you down’ no matter who you are dating. This Palentines Day you have booked yourselves a cheeky meal at your favourite restaurant and are enjoying chomping down on all the mac and cheese and curries it has to offer, while a bottle of wine miraculously turns into six. By the end of the night you all mutter something about never dating men again and compare horror stories about all the f**kboys you have dated.
From ‘Mike The Bellend’ to ‘Peter The Tool’ you strike the f**kboys off your list and make a new list instead… The Ultimate Girl Squad Guide.
Girl Squad Rules
Do: Bitch about f**kboys until the cows go home. Or at least until one of the Girl Squad members falls asleep and you have to carry them home and tuck them into bed.
Do: Turn up in matching co-ordinated outfits, although don’t do an Inbetweeners Special and nickname yourselves the ‘Pussy Patrol’.Keep It classy like ‘I hate F**kboys’ or something ‘elegant’ like that.
Don’t: Talk about how you want to get back together with Mike. Snap out of it you are worth so much more than a guy who thinks that its acceptable to sleep with your best friend. There is a reason why she has been eliminated from the Girl Squad. Whatever happened to Girl Code?
And now for the actual outfits themselves. As I said being part of a Girl Squad comes with an attitude of not giving a f**k about what people think so if you want to turn up wearing matching outfits and looking sassy ASF then by all means get matchy matchy. You could wear a tongue in cheek slogan tee, with a skirt and tights combo or even turn up in the same jumpsuit but in different colours to match your personality. For example you might be in Pink because you see yourself as Barbie without the plastic surgery or you might wear blue because you are the ‘calm one’ in the group.
Shop The Lets Bitch About F**kboys And Hang Out With The Gals Look
Shop F**k The F**kboys
And Let’s Not Forget About Some Fabulous Shoes Too
What Will You Wear On Valentines Day?
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