Online dating can be freaking scary, in fact before I tried online dating myself, I was convinced that it was for people who were ‘desperate’ but I soon realized that wasn’t the case. There is this huge stigma around online dating and how we are conditioned into becoming people that we are ‘not’ all for the sake of preserving normality in the face of others. Which is why when you meet someone in person, you can become disappointed, as we paint visual realities in our heads that don’t quite match the person that turns up on your date. Which is maybe why I am still single, but then again I think its more a case of guys being intimidated by my defense wall but that is a story for another occasion. For some though, dating is more than just complicated but a complete mind-fuck. I get that people act differently behind a keyboard but for Esse she found that the guy she had been speaking to online was actually a ‘catfish’ and A. looked nothing like the guy she had been ‘seeing’ and B. gave her a complete shock when she realized the guy was a completely different person, name and all!
Meet Esse, a dating and relationship blogger who I have admired for quite some time. From her frank exploration of the online dating scene to dishing out the dirt on exes, how society romanticizes dating into an ‘idealistic reality’ and past relationships, Esse is no stranger to dating disasters, which made her the perfect candidate for my series. Describing herself as the ‘Frog Princess’ Esse humorously chronicles her search for the ‘frog who will turn into a Prince’ yet for some reason always ends up being a good ol’ regular lying Toad. Or in the case below a big massive CATFISH, I wonder how many acronyms we could make out of that…
Hi guys my name is Esse and I’m about to tell you the story of how I was catfished before MTV even made it a thing…
I’ve been a hopeless romantic my whole life. So, it’s an understatement to say I fully expected to meet the love of my life when I went to college. I just knew I’d meet him, sparks would fly, and we’d be married just before I started my residency (after med-school). Tall order. (Let’s just say med-school was replaced by other career plans and at 30, I’m STILL not married yet.)
With that being said, I’ll take you back to my freshman year in college. At this point, I wasn’t dating and wasn’t really worried about it. I was lightly blogging on MySpace (yes, I just confessed to that) and just on social media to stay in touch with childhood friends. I noticed that this one guy kept sending me messages after following/adding me (I can’t remember the exact term, now.) He was persistent, but never disrespectful so I finally started to respond. (Of course, his profile picture was decent enough for me to fall into his trap.) I figured if I was going to achieve my goal of being married by 25, I had to actually start dating, so why not? What’s the worst that could happen?
The interactions started light. He asked my major, career plans, etc. (Typical for college students chatting it up.) He’d told me that he was attending a school in the same city and that he played piano for a church. I was hooked by the musical talent mention. (I’m always a sucker for the musically talented.) As things progressed, he started to ask me about my days and complain about missing me during the day (because I had yet to give him my number).
Sidenote: I never trusted anyone that pursued me via the internet. This was around the time when people were getting kidnapped and killed by Internet blind dates and Craiglist merchants. The last thing I wanted was to give someone my number, go on a date, and get my kidney harvested in the name of love. Tragic.
I knew that if we were going to go anywhere with the relationship, I would have to give him my number and trust that he wasn’t going to be crazy. I apprehensively let my guard down one day and we started to talk via text and phone conversations. I didn’t even know what his voice sounded like until then.
With us exchanging numbers, we talked more often and for longer periods of time. I could really see his true personality and not just the nice things he was writing via our messages. I was starting to get a “jerk” vibe, but I didn’t want to be dismissive. (I’ve always been perceptive to “vibes”.) I noticed as he got more comfortable, he was starting to tell me what he expected from his potential girlfriend. He was basically throwing strong hints my way that if I wanted the position, this is what he expected from his girl:She couldn’t just wear ponytails (I smoothed my frazzled ponytail when he said this). She needed to wear heels. (I glanced at all the tomboyish sneakers in my closet after that statement). She also would have to regularly get manicures and pedicures. (The chipped polish on my toenails was all too telling at that point). He wanted a high-maintenance priss and I was only a FEW personality strokes away from being an alphabet belching tomboy.
Because of this and the fact that I was starting to feel insecure about EVERYTHING, I told him that I definitely wasn’t what he was looking for. It wasn’t like he couldn’t see my basic hair and non-prissy attire in my posted pictures. I wasn’t sure why he even bothered. I assumed his high demands indicated he was FAR more attractive than his TWO pictures let on. (Had MTV Catfish been around at this point, these TWO pictures would have been a red flag—given how conceited he was.) I figured his body must have been amazing and he looked like some type of god to levy this type of pressure on his counterpart. He was OUT OF MY LEAGUE. This was the first time I’d ever felt like this and it sucked. I explained my issue to him and said I’d move out of the way so that he could find his unicorn perfect match.
He didn’t acknowledge my detachment and insisted we hang out. Hanging out wasn’t going to change my style, so I was pretty adamant that we didn’t. He was persistent. I eventually gave in and scheduled a meeting a week out. That would give me time to get “cute” and figure out an outfit that would be prissy enough for him. I was actually mad at myself for folding under his pressure AND trying to conform to his prissy standards. Nonetheless, I was invested and he seemed to be really into me outside of the style preference. I went back and forth with myself for a week about what to wear, how to style my hair, and if I thought he was going to make me take off my shoes to show him my horrendous, chipped-polish-laden, toes. I was a MESS! What if he really requested to see my toes when we met? I was prepared to fake a seizure or breakdance my way to safety. Note: Random breakdancing always works to make someone lose interest if done correctly.
The day came and my nerves were all over the place. There was still the chance that he was just a handsome psycho killer too, but I’d agreed, and this needed to be resolved. I threw my hair in a high ponytail and put on my most boyish sneakers. (You guessed it. I defaulted to defiant.) If he didn’t like this version of me, there would be no OTHER version. He needed to see the “ugly” phase before he could reap the benefits of my EFFORT. I’d agree to meet him outside of my dorm building (where I knew there would be several people).
I went outside and waited. I was looking for the tall, dark, handsome, and conceited guy I’d been talking to for a few months. I didn’t see anyone that looked like him. The usual people were walking in and out of the building and I was starting to almost feel relieved that he didn’t show. I noticed a guy get out of a car and start to slowly shuffle toward me. I figured he was lost. Poor guy. I was prepared to give him terrible directions to wherever he was trying to go (I’m really bad at giving driving directions). When he got in front of me he stopped and smiled. I smiled back at him being naturally friendly. I waited for him to ask for directions, but he stepped back a bit and mumbled, “Esse?”
While part of me died, a flood of questions started to run through my head. There was no way THIS guy was the conceited jerk I’d been chatting up for a few months. His profile picture and his actual appearance looked like a before and after weight loss comparison in reverse. He could NOT be the person making all these demands on his potential girl. I was in flat out denial AND I felt sorry for the guy simultaneously. Obviously, he wasn’t confident, wanted to be accepted, AND he actually succeeded in making me feel the same during the process. I opened my mouth to say something reassuring, but before I could find the words he started talking.“I told you I don’t care for ponytails and sneakers, but you meet me for the first time like this?”
Disbelief is an understatement. The nerve of this booger-wolf of a man to deceive me, make me feel like I wasn’t good enough, and double down on his jerk antics! What gall! I immediately started laughing (I always laugh first in extreme emotional situations). His face was serious and disapproving. He was literally standing there expecting me to explain. I was almost annoyed to fury. I opened my mouth expecting a flood of expletives to come out, but I remembered he could still be a psycho killer (that now knew where I lived) and I dialed it back.
“I expected the man from your pictures… and you meet me for the first time like this?!” (Solid burn) “You made me feel like I wouldn’t be good enough to be your girl when YOU are the one that’s insecure and hiding behind a picture that’s clearly not you… or maybe you when you actually liked yourself.” (Another solid burn) “Lose my number. I’m obviously not your type and you’re definitely not mine. Now I would say I walked off like a boss to make myself seem cooler, but I scurried into the building—glancing back a few times to make sure he wasn’t coming to bop me in the back of my head and drag me to his car. Either way, I still feel like it was a strong exit.
Had Nev and Max from Catfish been around back then, I would have noticed a few red flags and cut my losses far earlier. That meeting would have NEVER happened, but I guess I needed to learn a valuable lesson. I will never let anyone else make me feel as inadequate as HE did because they’re probably just an insecure jerk looking to make themselves feel better about their shortcomings!
Poor Esse, I have been with guys who followed the exact same cookie cutter method, trying to control what I did and how I dressed but at least I was dating them and knew what they looked like. Can you imagine what its like to meet someone in person who you thought would be a catch from the demands they were throwing your way only to discover that they were a completely different ‘kettle of fish’ entirely? Oh wait, I do know what that feels like because I too have been catfished and I really sympathize with you gurl. Next time you rock up to a date being YOU because noone should tell you what to do or how to dress. The right person will love you just the way you are!
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It’s so easy to hide behind a persona online, I guess that’s part of the attraction.
Wow, what a story Essie has! I’m so proud of how she stood up and gave him as good as he gave her at their meeting, her comebacks were fantastic. Online dating can be so difficult, trying to wade through the bad ones to get to the one who is worth it.
I love reading about dating disasters! It makes me feel like I’m not the only one. How rude of him to make all sorts of demands when he was the one lying? That makes me so annoyed!
I love this series and how tough these women are in standing up to their dating disasters! This is just creepy, I watch Catfish and am always horrified that these people go to such lengths to deceive people! Essie is amazing standing up to him like that! Creep!
Woah what a story Essie! I’d hate it I was catfished. It hasn’t happened to me but I have had some dating disasters xxx
Oh lord this makes me glad my dating days are over (hopefully) and terrified for my kids!
Been there! Dubai is full of creepy guys who like to make you fall in love with their perfection and then turn out to be total assholes. That being said Esse’s story did give me a bit of a giggle, I am absolutely in love with her writing style, and there were far too many times through this post that I found myself nodding quietly in agreement!
Wow… Just wow… I don’t know what to say! But good on Essie for taking the defiant route! And I’d say that’s a strong exit still.
The more of these stories I read, the more I’m gobsmacked! I seem to have had a lucky ride so far! xx
oh gosh, I am so glad I am not in the dating game this must have been awful for her. It sounds like she had a lucky escape, crazy how people do things like this as they will obviously get caught out x
When I was younger I used to chat to someone online but he would always be funny about meeting up and I am pretty sure it was because he wasn’t who he said he was. Poor Esse though x
Oh my goodness, what a nightmare! I guess this is one of the risks of online dating :-/
That must have been so scary! Luckily I’m happily married because I would be too scared to online date at all!
I am glad I never had to go through this online dating system. There may be some good and happy ending stories but online dating can go horribly wrong
Back during MySpace days I suppose it was easy to fall pey to catfishes because we were so unaware of them. Nowadays we are so much more clued on and as soon as we see red flags we are down the rabbit hole trying to figure out who the person really is! I am sorry you had to go through this but I am glad you have come out the other end a lot wiser!
http://www.nmdiaries.com
Oh goodness! That was such an incident, I can imagine why Esse would have laughed, it was too funny and stupid at the same time to be true. I guess online dating comes with such demerits. :/
Yes you are right!! Even I don;t believe in online dating!! Too many risks involved as seen in Essie story. Dating can be so disastrous I never knew. As said in the line “his profile and actual appearance is too different”, this even goes with girls as well.
Poor Esse! But she nailed what she said to him when she met him! I never knew what catfishing was before I started watching the TV show!
Oh wow, what an experience Esse had! I really feel for her, but kudos for her for speaking out and sharing her experience! Online dating is scary enough without having to worry about men like him! x
The biggest risk of online dating is you don’t really know if the person is real or some kind of person who pretend they’re not. I feel sorry for Esse but at the same time admire her calm and straight forward respond to this guy.
Such an important story to share. I hope Esse goes on to meet the man of her dreams, who accepts her exactly as she is.
Oh my gosh! Reading all the comments, I’m glad you guys enjoyed the story and understand exactly where I’m coming from! He was a super jerk!
Thanks again Ana, for inviting me to share my story.
You are very welcome lovely! Told you they loved your post, thank you for sharing your story with my readers, it truly resonated with them and warned them to stay away from Catfishes! xx
I’m happy that Esse refused to be taken for granted. Online can be scary world.
Oh my goodness. Reading your post I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. I was getting so worried for you, just like I would be worried for my own two daughters. Online dating can be scary. And when there’s a catfish involved – even scarier. I’m glad you had the confidence to back out of the situation ASAP when you met the guy and he wasn’t at all who he had painted himself to be. I would look back too as I walked away to make certain he wasn’t following me to my car.
I just broke up with someone I dated for 10 months. I met him online and we talked and Skype for about 5 months when we finally met (because I paid for it round trip). During that five months he had talked such a good game but was so genuine about it that I believed him. I’m not the type to trust easily but he was so manipulative but in that really charming way. I knew what he looked like from pictures and skype but it must have been the lighting or something because when I finally met him he had really messy hair and looked like he hadn’t showered in a week. I did my best to overlook that because it was his personality that I really liked but then I saw his true personality and I hated it. I couldn’t stand to be near him. Afterwards we broke up but remained friends. That’s when he really started to use the manipulation hardcore. So I cut him off completely. No one deserves to treated that way and good for Esse for standing her ground and walking away when she did.
Good on her for standing up to him and telling him exactly how it is!! The internet makes dating a scary place now!
I was also catfished before MTV made it a thing! Pretty much similar story to Esse. I was 22 years old, thought I was talking to a 28 year old man. We chatted on the phone and internet for months upon months. Turns out, he was a 49 year old man, nothing like his pictures. I felt so…. I’m not even sure what the word is! I put an abrupt end to that!
Esse absolutely nailed her exit away from that man!! xx
I’ve had a similar experience myself, who’d have thought dating would this hard! x
The online dating world is a scary one. Not only because of catfishing but with all the crazies out there too. It’s hard for me to trust someone normally let alone online. I feel for Esse but I’m sure she’ll find her prince charming soon enough.
What a horrible experience! Online dating is such a scary world!!
I love watching Catfish but really can’t understand how people can pretend to be some else. You see some on there say I really like them I could tell them the truth incase they stopped talking to me, if they had come clean as soon as they started liking them them maybe they could sort things
I can’t believe the nerve of this guy! I’m glad MTV brought the subject of catfishing into the limelight because although it’s addictive TV viewing, I think it’s resulted in people spotting the red flags sooner.
This makes me a little terrified for my kid. I have surpassed the dating age
I kinda like reading about dating disasters and a little FYI, catfish is the best programme ever. On a more serious note, being catfished can be so harmful to a person self-esteem and can really ruin their trust!
I love catfish the series, what an experience! I met my other half on AOL chat room!! So different nowadays x
Oh my goodness. I have never heard of catfishing before! I think this series will make me want to stay single even more than I already do!
I think its so easy to catfish someone, and online dating takes so much trust. Luckily I met my partner online, and he was actually the same person he claimed to be. x
Oh my God. I can’t believe people like that exist.. One of those situations when you don’t know if you should laugh or cry haha. She handled it like a boss though!
I am so glad all my dating was pre-internet! it seems that no-one is who they really are. Saying that it is a also a bit exciting that you could meet someone online that you would never meet in real life
I’ve actually never used a dating website, so don’t have much idea about it but all I can say is that the person behind the screen may be dishonest about what he’s saying or can even cheat an individual. There might be good people too, but online it can be difficult to analyse.
Hooray for women like Essie! I would have done the same thing if I were in her place. That man was so disrespectful! He should be ashamed of himself. I hope Essie finds a really good guy who will have her for keeps. She seems to be an amazing, smart, down to earth girl, just caught in a bad situation.
I certainly know people who change their appearance or use photos that are so old that they don’t look anything like the person in the picture. But generally, I consider a real catfish person to be someone who has no intention of meeting the other person at all. They would find excuses to never meet the person. And as big of a jerk as he was, at least he did meet rather than never show up or get you to spend money on things. And thankfully the date was able to end quickly even if you still felt insecure.
Oh my, what horror! Good she stood up to him.
I didn’t even know the term! But I can imagine there are lots of people out there doing it…pretty gross!
Oh poor Esse and I cannot believe what he said to her when they met!! People really are strange and it’s scary they can be whoever they want to be behind a keyboard!
Laura x
That’s such a crazy story! His demands on her! We’ve watched Catfish on MTV a couple of times and it’s been an eye opener. I hope when I grow up I meet some honest and sincere x
Goodness me! It is so scary meeting someone for the first time, let alone when they send you a picture of someone else!
Well done to Essie for standing up to him. The internet can be a scary place!
I have to confess I have no idea what ‘catfishing’ is, but it sounds like you got out of there in time! The warning signals were there from the very start.
Such an awkward thing to experience! I have been catfished once before too. One of my first ever online dates!
Oh my goodness! I am trying to find a date online and hope to goodness this doesn’t happen to me. Kaz x
The internet is a scary place indeed. Always be careful of who talk to online, take care always!
Well, that was terrifying! I did online dating for a while (before meeting my wife, obviously!) but nothing like this happened. Scary stuff.
This story is good. What a jerk. Any guy who tells me how to dress is not the guy for me.
I guess that’s really the risk of online dating. It’s really scary out there (online). I guess you just have to be extra careful, if not cautious and always watch out for red flags.
Jessica | notjessfashion.com
A few of my friends have met their partners / husbands / wives online. It’s so commonplace now but it is still so important to keep your wits about you.
Anna. gurl is their no end to your blogging game! I love this feature, well not what happened to the poor gurl, but sharing others experiences. Super proud of you lady. xx
I’m a massive fan of the MTV show yet I was still idiotic enough to get Catfished – even though they were highly convincing, to be fair. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Wow! I can’t believe that happened to you! So crazy! and you don’t look 30! I thought you were 22 this entire time!
Hun this is a guest post LOL! I am 23, this is Essie’s story on how she got catfished xx
very true.. and one more scary thing you always get a fake story of other side.. really nice post
Online dating is sure scary because you never really know who is really behind the screen. But there are also people who meet the love of their life online, there’s always pros and cons to everything
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Imagine the audacity of it all, he lies through his teeth then tries to make you feel bad! Glad you took off Esse.
I really enjoyed reading this. Obviously, there is a serious point to the story and people must keep their wits about them when meeting people.
(hubby helping out)
I havn’t watched this show in show long! Cannot believe it happened to you, this is why I am SO wary of online dating, you don’t know who your talking to! xo
Great article. I love how Esse responded and am very glad things didn’t turn violent. I think online dating can be a great way for people with social anxiety to get things initiated, or even for people looking for hookups with no or little strings attached. On the other hand, I think for anyone looking for meaningful relationships, it’s important to learn to deal with social anxiety and how to meet people first in the real world rather than on their computer. But that’s none of my business 🙂
I can’t believe his arrogance! Unbelievable!
It’s disgusting how he expected someone to be all those things while he was lying! I’ve loved watching Catfish ever since it aired
I think it is hard to have been on the net and not have been Catfished in some shape or form it doesn’t have to be in a romantic way but we have all met someone who isn’t really who they have said and thought they were a good person.
What a story! I used to always think online dating was not for losers but for those either looking to swindle someone or for those out for an adventure. I quickly realised how wring I was when a friend met her now husband online and he turned out to be THE ONE.
OH god how scary! Glad she’s ok.
F*** YEAH! This really sucks, and that is disgusting behaviour, especially what he said to her! Are you serious?! DO PEOPLE REALLY SAY THAT!?? But I am actually very proud of her comeback & exit!
Although this was a horrible story, I found myself laughing out loud to Esse’s writing. I love her style and frank way of putting things and I couldn’t wait to find out what happened! Such a great read x
I have never been catfished before but that is because I never let my guard down when it comes to the online world. I do remember those days when Mirc was a thing and everyone would pretend to be someone else there. Asl pls, that’s how it always started and most of the answers were lies. However, I found this story to be funny because she didn’t ended up with her heart broken or falling in love with an illusion.
Woah! This is terrifying! It’s always shocking to think that people actually enjoy catfishing and want the other person to be something they aren’t, especially when they have attitudes and the cheek like the guy Esse encountered! My friend was catfished quite recently and it was traumatic for her. I was genuinely concerned that she was going to have a huge set back, but thankfully she prevailed and put all that negativity from the experience into a thought provoking blog post. Much like this one. But I’m glad Esse is a badass and made this post. Her writing is just ace :’)
I would logg of my computer on the first note…not to wear ponytail!😂 Omg! I never had this problem with guys asking me to dress a certain way. I am lucky but I know that this is something quite usual in relationship. But I have to be honest I do tell my husband now and then what to wear…