When it comes to slobbing out on the sofa, watching movies and snuggling into my ‘imaginary lovers lap’ while I steal his ‘popcorn’, I pretty much ‘nail it everytime’. Mainly because A. I don’t actually own a sofa and B. I also don’t have an imaginary lover, so you could say that when it comes to ‘fantasies’ i’m totally up for living in my head 500% of the time. As the snow from last week comes back to haunt me and the vague gruesome memories of having to trudge through the snow, to meet an ill fated and rather doomed date from the week before comes to mind, I think to myself ‘Ana… why not decide to never leave your house again and spend your time just sitting on the sofa all day watching porn LOL. I mean what I actually meant to say was tuck into some delicious salty popcorn, watch some classic episodes of Rick and Morty and pretend you’re a cat by claiming ownership of the sofa and guarding it like it is your very own batch of freshly made kittens. Ahem. So when it comes to getting cozy and pretending that I don’t know how to ‘adult’ and am living my life as a ‘grown up kid’, I got your cozy nights covered.
But the question is what sofas are out there and are good enough to take ‘date night to the next level’? What sofas out there are so colourful that even the most ‘fun loving unicorns’ want their money back? Best of all are there sofas made for ‘single lovers’ like myself who have to resort to laughing at their own jokes and pretending that the teddy bear next to them is actually their Instagram husband? Well I have good news folks, thanks to Fishpools, there is a sofa to match every occasion, every single merman, unicorn and everything in between and best of all each sofa comes with a guaranteed ‘sploosh effect’. Ok listen I made that one up, but its true you really will ‘sploosh’ looking at all the God Damn beautiful sofas. And if you don’t know what that one means then clearly you have not been watching enough Archer!
The Fulham Sofa: Best For Those Who Have Never Set Foot In Primark
Now if unlike me you’re super classy and have never burped, farted -or sharted- and even your s**t smells like roses then congratulations you’re a bulls**ter. But all jokes aside ‘The Fulham’ is everything that I am not, elegant, refined and the epitome of class and sophistication. Fashioned from a rather fabulous shade of ‘grey’ that one might call ‘dove’ , this three seater sofa is made with ‘posh people in mind’. Now I know what you’re thinking, I do sound like a posh twat, but now that I’m a ‘Londoner’ (she says in an attempted cockney accent) I can quite happily poke fun at myself. So if you sound like you have marbles in your mouth when you talk and were born with a silver spoon, then get yourself over to Fishpools for a much needed sofa to chat to all your posh mates on. And yes I get that the name ‘fishpools’ sounds like a place where you can buy ‘little fishies’ but it’s not so get over yourself.
Activities To ‘Do On The Fulham Sofa’
- Have a cozy night in bitching about Theodora and Phillipa.
- Swill wine and don’t drink a drop as you blabber on about the ‘heady tasting notes’ and its ‘head’. And no I don’t mean that kind of head you filthy beast. Its an actual wine term believe it or not.
- Wrap your sofa up in clingfilm because you’re scared that the grandchildren might defile it with their bright looking crayons.
*Clearly the walls weren’t colourful enough for a unicorn like me so I painted EVERY SINGLE WALL. Now how’s that for post dedication?
The Jacob Fabric Sofa: Best For Parents That Care About Their Children
What better way to unite your family, whose every waking action consists of ‘screaming or crying’ than shutting them up with games on the sofa. From playing Cards Against Humanity with your five year old child who is confused as to why ‘naked Tellytubbies’ and ‘Donald Trump’ keep turning up , to playing karaoke and then laughing at your partner whose crying because she lost against the kids, when it comes to family time MR Jacob has got you covered. So if you want to win parent of the year award and have a competition with the other parents in town to get the most ‘brownie points’ then give Jacob a call, because he is your man.
Activities To ‘Do On The Jacob Fabric Sofa’
1.Mock Donald Trump and laugh at his ‘very small hands’ while you play Cards Against Humanity, which is totally not appropriate for kids
2. Have a ‘singing competition with your kids’ to win the coveted title of ‘Worlds Worst Singer’ as you impersonate a screaming cat.
3. Make some Mac ‘N’ Cheese For All The Family To Enjoy but eat everyone’s meals when they’re not looking.
The Waldorf Sofa: Best For Date Nights
So you hooked yourself a right sort from that Tinder Match you ‘matched with the other month’ and you’re ready to take your date to the ‘next level. Well don’t worry, I got you a nice cozy sofa to snuggle up with your boo and watch Pitch Perfect II. Whether you are ready to get down and dirty or your new flame is cooking up a storm in the kitchen and wants to eat chickpea curry on the sofa while they feed you champagne, the ‘Waldorf’ like ‘Blair Waldorf’ is sassy and she ‘knows it’. Side note- no side chicks allowed, this is a love birds only nest so get out.
Activities To ‘Do On The Waldorf Sofa’
- Big Spoon Little Spoon. You know what comes next. They always say that ‘spooning leads to forking’.
- Feed each other curry. Then laugh at your boo who clearly can’t handle the chili’s as much as you clearly can
- Play a game of truth or dare. Or strip poker which ever gets you guys in the mood.
The Portbello:Best For Colourful Mer-Unicorns
Now enough ‘forking’ you randy animals, for all those colourful mer-unicorns out there meet your new buddy ‘Portbello’. Oddly not ‘mushroom like’ at all this colourful beast is eye catching to say the least. With enough bright colours to make you think that you have either taken a ton ‘of acid’ and are now tripping or stumbled into an alternate universe, the Portbello is going to quite literally blow your mind. Mainly because your brain might struggle to comprehend as to why you have so many colours going on at once but just tell it to shut up. I do.
Activities To ‘Do On The Portbello Sofa’
- Begin searching for your ‘mer-unicorn’ on the well known dating site ‘Plenty of Merman’ or POM for short.
- Paint a visual masterpiece that is reminiscent of a ‘squashed cat being flattened by a bus’ as you haven’t learned your shapes yet.
- Dream about setting up your cupcake business, where you will make cakes that are so disgusting that your shop will be forced to close down within a month of opening.
Please note this is a sponsored post but all opinions are my own and are not affected by monetary compensation.