Faded Spring’s Guide To Dating Dos And Dont’s

Faded Spring’s  101 Guide To Dating Dos And Dont’s

Once upon a time there was a moment when gentlemen existed, where the concept of a F**kboy driving around in his fuckboy mobile, was as alien as the concept of a pig and a cat having babies together, and the world didn’t revolve around tube goers with glazed eyes, swiping left and right on what they would be having for ‘Friday Dinner’. And by dinner I mean a genitalia all you can eat buffet served with a sprinkling of oral. Once the cat has finished toying with the sausage, they both awkwardly clamber out of bed, avoiding eye contact, as they shake hands before departing the world’s most awkward one night stand. And don’t even get me started on the perils of dating a ghost, who likes to pretend that we are filming for ‘Most Haunted’, even though they view ALL YOUR STORIES, and read all your messages. Or what about the man who likes to serve you sex on a platter without any intention of making you come…again?

You see, in 2019 dating is like training for the Olympics: you spend six hours a day swiping through Tinder, screening all the applicants who think they have what it takes to be your merman, before putting each ‘shortlisted applicant’ through a series of hurdles, throwing weird and wonderful questions their way until you decide to go on a date. You start your week looking like a werewolf , and end your week looking like a smooth bottle of tanning lotion, as you enter stage 2 of the dating phase… the date. The date, like the Olympics can be arduous, time consuming and exhausting. You sit teeth clenched with forced smiles on both of your faces as you pretend not to cringe at the fact that he just told you that he thinks you might have a pretty vagina while the waiter casually pours water into your trembling glass. And lets not forget the dear soul who told you that he wasn’t attracted to you, but said ‘he would be up for some fun, and wanted you to take a ride on his big dick’.

Need I remind you that anyone who feels the need to constantly brag about their penis probably has a micro dick that even a microscope couldn’t find? Amen. But the Olympics isn’t over just yet: you win some, you lose some, but in the rarity that you find a spark, the promise of the second date is close on the horizon, as you both race to ‘Finish’ in time for your next match. Here’s the T, dating in 2019 is f**king hard, I mean what’s a girl got to do to find a guy who doesn’t just want to service you orally? And while I enjoying dipping into the pool of men, over the years dating has shown me exactly what I do and don’t want from my man/fuck-buddy/lover/or whatever else you want to call him. From saying no to dating ghosts to yawning over men who are clearly not over their exes, welcome to Faded Spring’s Guide To Dating Dos And Dont’s. And for the record if you are easily offended, you might want to stop reading because this post contains a sprinkling of sexy times, graphic descriptions of said sexy times, Fuckboys driving around in fuckboy mobiles and profanities galore.

Don’t Ghost Your Date. We’re Not Filming ‘Most Haunted’ Y’all

Ah yes the elusive ghost, the man without a face, the one who got away… literally. This invisible man will keep you sweet at first, wooing you with this promise of being your ‘one and only’ as he sweeps you off your feet, showering you with love, adoration and praise. But then as all ghosts do, he disappears into thin air, occasionally popping up on the ‘gram’ as he eagerly view your stories to see whether you have been chatting s**t about them or not. Well my dear ghost friend, it’s like I always say, to all the people who date me and ‘ask if I will be writing about them’ or ‘whether I will be reviewing our date’ only if you turn out to be an arsehole, so congratulations you made it onto the blog. And on that note let me tell you a story; like all ghost stories, this tale begins with a promise, a narrative centered around two people who would talk and talk until the cows went home. They would send photos and share anecdotes, writing each other love notes, while writing essays on Whatsapp as they asked each other questions on everything from politics to romance and love. But then a month into the ‘courtship’ the man decides it would be fun to play a little game of ‘ghost and seek’ as he ducks out, before emerging a week later, blaming ‘work’ for being so busy. At first you think you have nothing to worry about-after all even ghosts get busy hanging around in purgatory- so you keep it easy breezy, pretending that you are cool as a cucumber. But then it happens again and you get seriously pissed as he takes two weeks to get back to you, even though you had planned a date, and had to turn other people down, who wanted to catch up.

See this is the thing about ghosts, even when they are unreliable, flaky and self-interested, you can’t help but gravitate towards them, as like any f**kboy their hella charming. So even though this gal was pissed, because it was long distance, she knew that she needed to follow her heart and give the ghost a second chance. Looking back she doesn’t regret her decision as she spent a magical night and day with him, as he whisked her from restaurant to bar with passion and finesse, before ending their night in each other arms, but she couldn’t help but have ghosting on the brain, wary that he would become the invisible man once more. And she was right, due to fly out to another country, he began ghosting again, until one day he just stopped replying and she was pissed once more. So let me tell you a cautionary tale, if your man thinks it’s fun to play hide and seek, without the ‘seeking’, then chances are he’s not your forever, nor is he a keeper. Instead this dude is a straight up prick, pure and simple. So sit up and listen because I am about to give you some golden advice: don’t lead a woman on by feeding her with love kernels, don’t disappear and expect your gal to wait around like a lapdog and above all don’t make promises that you know you can’t keep because that’s f**king rude. So if you have been afflicted with the ‘f**kboy ghosting disease’ and think that you will ghost again, be upfront and say that you can’t be in a relationship right now, not ask someone to visit you in another country and stop talking to them, not even replying to them a month later. Boy that’s rude.

The Moral Of The Story

I’m not into dating ghosts, bye boy bye.

Don’t Stand Your Date Up. You Might Be Trying To Be A Comedian But That Shit Aint Funny

I have dated many a comedian in my time, and nine times out of ten, they are not as funny as they make themselves out to be. Because let me tell you something, I don’t spend hours getting ready only for a man to not show up, because he got squashed by the weight of his own gigantic hairy balls. Well guess what, I have bigger balls than you, and this thin ice you are skating on is cracking under the weight of me and my ginormous balls. How’s that for comedy? Oh sorry, no witty comeback as to why you thought it would be acceptable to not turn up to our date? I mean if you had told me your goldfish had died and you needed to stay in to do your ‘homework’ because you still live with your mum I might have been slightly more sympathetic but no messages at all is an absolute disgrace. Imagine the liberty of speaking to a girl you really fancied for ages and then waiting outside Liverpool Street Station for an hour and a half, before realizing that your date was not showing up, without a single explanation. While it is rare to be stood up, it has happened to me a few times and each time I have had to imagine frolicking with cute puppies and kitties to make me less pissed. Let’s start with Stand Up Comedian Number One: while not my usual type, we spoke over Tinder, before moving to the Tinder approved flanter banter app, Whatsapp. We arranged to meet one Saturday, only for me to not hear from him until the evening, a few hours before we were meant to meet, cancelling as he was driving back from an unnamed location and wouldn’t make it back in time.

I was annoyed as he knew we were meant to meet, but agreed to reschedule for the Monday. This time I showed up to the date looking hella fancy and this joker was nowhere in sight. After an hour I thought f**k it and went home to stuff pizza into my hungry gob. I then heard from him two weeks later to wish me a Happy Christmas, and when I challenged him on why he didn’t show up, he told me that he had been in hospital. I had felt really bad and sent my well wishes, until I later found out that he actually wasn’t in hospital like he claimed he was and instead made up lies to get out of apologizing for standing me up on a date that he was clearly not interested in attending. Well let’s be clear, there was no interest from me after that. Entering Stand Up Comedian Number 2, who made it clear that he was just after something casual, but after the debacle of guys I had been dating recently, a casual shag was something I was no longer opposed to. We were meant to go for dinner and drinks, but this comedian thought it would be really funny to give me a time and place to meet and not have the audacity to show up. The thing is as all comics know some jokes can fall flat and this joke was as flaccid as my non existent lady boner. I haven’t heard from him since and while I am not interesting in meeting up with ghosts or try hard comedians, I can’t help but laugh at people who think it’s funny to stand dates up.

The Moral Of The Story

I don’t care if you are related to the Prince of Egypt. It’s bloody rude to stand someone up.

Don’t Cancel Last Minute Unless You Have Good Reason To. I’ve Got Cats To Put Through College 

Like all fantasists I spend half of my life pretending that I am a part time mermaid and unicorn at weekends, to distract away from the fact that my love life is as fruitful as a banana tree. So alongside imagining that I am the proud owner of pugs and cats, I like to date men who will give me enough love kernels to put my cats through college. And what I mean by that is not me magically transforming into a golddigger but rather finding a guy who won’t cancel on me last minute and will happily feed me and my eighteen hungry cats, because as you all know I am ALWAYS HUNGRY. Here’s the thing unless you have a good excuse- your cat died/you won the lottery/ you’re allergic to dating- there is no reason to cancel on a date, simply because you can’t be bothered to show up, and would much rather wank over your takeaway pizza than have a conversation with another human being. I mentioned earlier in the ‘comedian’ section that stand up comic number one had cancelled a few hours before, as he had made other plans and had forgotten to tell me, but I think the most irritating type of cancellation is from someone who just can’t be bothered to turn up.

Let’s set the scene, we had been exchanging messages for a number of weeks and this man, let’s call him D wanted to go on a date, so he asked me out for drinks. He was flirty, throwing flanter my way and was very complimentary, telling me how beautiful I was, how he wanted to kiss me and how he couldn’t wait for our date. On the day, I sensed something was afoot as he kept changing the time that we would meet, until two hours before we were meant to meet he said ‘Ana I don’t really feel like having a date today. You seem really interesting and like you’d be amazing company but I don’t think today is our day x’ to which I replied curtly ‘You should have just told me that in the first place instead of making plans to meet up. If you’re not interested don’t beat around the bush. I would rather know. I’m a grown woman I can handle it.’ The point is that he couldn’t even think of an excuse, he literally could not be bothered to get dressed, stop swiping on Tinder and have a conversation in real life for a change. In fact it was laughable because this guy was not only 37 years old and old enough to know better but he was also a teacher to Primary school children, when the irony was he didn’t know right from wrong himself.

Example number two is someone who cancelled an hour before we were meant to meet because he was ‘hungover’ and not feeling up to it, which let’s be honest is definitely not a turn on. We did end up going on a date, after he re-scheduled and promised to make it up to me, but to be honest the date was a snorefest and he seemed more interesting in making out with a football pitch then asking me questions about myself. Oh sorry, he told me that I looked like a clown, and when I turned to him with a horrified expression, he said that he meant it as a compliment. I mean I don’t know about you but I don’t find clowns sexy (unless its Bianca Del Rio). My point being was that I was already turned off because the guy had cancelled as he had got super wasted, even though he knew that we had a date. If he had told me in the morning I would have been a bit more sympathetic because trust me I have been hungover and it is not fun at all. However an hour before you are meant to meet is definitely not gentlemanly behavior so on the off chance miracle that I am going to agree to re-schedule, don’t expect me to be wowed by your chat about football and how much you love said football.

The Moral Of The Story

Don’t Presume I Don’t Have Other Offers. I’ll Be Snatching Wigs left, right and centre.

Don’t Agree To A Second Date If You Have No Intention Of Following Up. Get On Your Bike Mate, Go Date That Dusty Potato From Across The Road. 

Once upon a time getting past the second date club was a breeze, as you navigated the chambers of love and entered the ‘relationship territory’. But nowadays even getting past the hurdle of talking to people on Tinder is a right ‘faff’ as you spend hours rejecting ‘potential applicants’ who ask you whether you are into anal, or whether you would be interested in seeing a video of them necking shots. The answer is nope I would rather not go on a date with someone who is sending me explicit content without my permission, nor do I want to waste my time on someone who ‘blocks me’ because I said that I don’t send nude photos to strangers. But here’s a real gripe of mine, on the rare occasion that a first date goes swimmingly well and they ‘ask to see you again’, you get super excited  as you envision what the second date could lead to. However here’s an un-certified fact, most guys who say that they want to take you on a second date, are actually just talking out of their arsehole and would rather date a pint of beer than be seen with you.

Let’s give you example number one, the elusive ghostman, whose superhero powers include disappearing without a trace, watching your every move and saying all the right things to get you into bed. MR Ghostman, who I mentioned earlier is not only an invisible man, but also a pathological liar, who will ask you on another date, then tell you to book flights, waxing on and on about how much they like you, and how they can’t wait to see you again. In fact Ghostie’s most popular catchphrases included ‘You are the most interesting person that I have spoken to recently’ , ‘I want to see you again’and ‘I won’t ghost you again I promise’, all of which was a load of bull. So I was tempted to message Ghostie and say ‘what’s that? I can hear the toliet talking again’ but I thought my time might be better spent on dreaming about vegetarian food, so the sassy jokes were kept to myself.My point being that Ghostie might have liked me and meant those ‘words in the moment’ but shouldn’t have asked me on a second date if he couldn’t be bothered to make the effort, because yes ‘long distance is hard’ but I can’t stand people who make promises they can’t keep.

The other example is of a guy who asked me out on a second date only to realize that he was not over his ex. C was sweet, and a lot more attractive than I expected him to be, with a great personality and sense of humor, who took me out for drinks and later to dinner at my favourite restaurant. While the chemistry seemed to be flowing, at the end of the date I noticed that things got a little awkward, but I brushed it under the carpet and asked if he wanted to ‘see me again to which he replied ‘that he would like to take me on a second date’, but seemed slightly hesitant. Nevertheless we were swapping messages after the date and over the holidays, but then he messaged saying ‘I want to be honest with you, I had a great time the other night but it made me realize how much I am not over my ex. I think it’s best to not see each other again’ which while didn’t surprise me did take me aback. I wasn’t annoyed because I understand that it can be difficult to get over your ex, but C should have been honest from the start and said that he would not be interested in going on a second date, because he still had feelings for his ex. Rule is don’t agree to a second date just to be nice, as you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I am always honest about whether I would like to see someone again or not, because I would want someone to extend the same courtesy to me. Otherwise I would end up being an unintentional f**kgirl.

Example number three was a hot Swedish Guy, who I went on a date with last year, who had recently joined Tinder, telling me that I was actually his first ever Tinder date,which was pretty flattering. I mean not only was this guy my type, but he also took me to a beautiful bar, was friendly, funny and hella charming. In short it seemed like a dream match and the chemistry was electrifying, or at least judging by our heavy make out sessions. He asked me on a second date and said that he wanted to take me out for dinner the following week, to which I excitedly replied ‘Yes, yes, three times yes’ but alas the fairytale jig was up and it was back to square one. I think that because he had recently joined Tinder he wanted to explore his other options, and when he found someone he liked better, he decided to not follow through with our second date. Which is fine but you should be honest from the start, rather than get a gal’s hopes up because that is not cool.

The Moral Of The Story

Don’t Agree To A Date Just To Be Nice. That Makes You An Unintentional Fuckboy.

Don’t Flick Through Tinder When Your Date Is Right There. Do The Maths, That Isn’t Cute. 

You ever had a really good date where the guy you are with wishes that they were somewhere else, where they are on their phone for most of the date, and ask you about how many matches you have on Tinder? Yep me neither but for some of my fellow singletons who have sent me their ‘dating disaster exposes’, a record number of you said that you have been on a date with someone who spent most of the time on their phone, and when they did make the effort to talk it was about themselves and how many people they had been on a date with/slept with, which is always a great conversation starter. Ladies if a guy spends most of the date on his phone then clearly he has no manners, so do yourself a favour and get yourself out of there, you are worth so much more! I think the worst example was sent in by S who told me that her date was swiping through Tinder while she was literally sat opposite him and I was flabbergasted. Imagine having the nerve to try and match with other girls on Tinder when your date is sitting there stunning as hell, wishing that she didn’t waste all her time and energy on a jerk who clearly has no manners. That’s just plain rude. When I asked her how she knew that he was swiping on Tinder, she said that after she had come back from the toliet, she saw him swiping through matches. Keeping calm and composed as she sat down, S asked him what he was doing on his phone, to which he replied, seemingly without shame, just chatting to girls on Tinder, and understandably she was fuming.

I asked S if she had opened a can of whoopass on him, because I would have -politely-given him a piece of my mind, to which she replied, she simply got up and told him that he could take care of the bill, because she was not going to waste another minute on a mannerless man. I applaud that she gave it to him straight and also didn’t let his dickish behavior ruin her night, because clearly this dude has not read Faded Spring’s dating dos and dont’s otherwise he might have conducted himself more accordingly. I would also add that the fact this guy couldn’t even wait until after the ‘date’ to swipe through Tinder showed how he A. was not interested in getting to know S, B. made no effort to even get to know S and C. the fact that he didn’t feel any remorse showed what kind of character he had. Spineless.

The Moral Of The Story

Dude I’m Right Here. Get Off Your Phone, I can see you swiping right on Sandra Dee and we are not even half way through the date.

Don’t Turn Up In A Bin Bag Looking Like You Have Made No Effort At All. I Will Read You To Filth. 

Here’s the T, while we are all entitled to our own style, not making the effort on a date reads as someone who is not interested in impressing the other person, which is a big no no in the dating world. Granted we all have our different levels of taste and are not always going to like what the other person is wearing, but turning up in bin bag couture is not acceptable and is a crime against the Fashion Police. Entering case number one, who not only turned out to be a Catfish-like quite literally a different person- but also rocked up thinking he looked badass with unwashed, greasy hair, tracksuit bottoms and trainers and a trailing beard, which if you looked closely at seemed to be festooned with crumbs, fluff and a potential birds nest which was definitely not cute. He had obviously just come from the gym, which while not a bad thing to wear gym gear to, would you really turn up to a date in something that you have been wearing all day, with dank sweat patches? I mean eww, no. So unless you want me to read you to filth can you A. be the same person as your Tinder photos, B. not look like you have just crawled out of the bins and C. make the effort to get dressed? Listen, noone is expecting you to turn up in a suit and tux, and don’t let the fact that I am super extra  pressure you into giving me maximalism realness. But here’s the thing, not making any effort, to the point where it looks like you just rolled out of bed, is not a turn on when it comes to nailing a first date. Safe to say that was not a winning date.

I mean I am not the fashion police-although I will give you honest feedback about your outfit if you ask me to-but being a catfish and a slobby dresser is definitely not a turn on for me. And while I love a bit of rough and ready in the bedroom, I don’t need ‘trade’ when I am stuffing food into my hungry gob. Capeche?

The Moral Of The Story

Look Sharp. Garbage Chic was so twenty years ago. A Cute Outfit Will Make Me Wanna Tap That Ass.

Don’t Talk About Your Exes All Night Long. I Don’t Want To Know How Beautiful Miss Felicia’s Vagina Was. Bye Felicia. 

Some guys are polite enough to not drone on and on about their ex-girlfriends, even if you find out later that they are still pining after their exes. However some guys think it is perfectly acceptable to spend half of their time talking about their ‘one and only’ as well as sharing intimate details about the holidays they shared, how she broke his heart or the sex positions that they would like to try out. The thing is we are naturally curious to get the scope and lowdown on a date’s exes, so it doesn’t mean that you need to refrain from getting to know your hot date, just as long as you don’t bring up your ex every five seconds because that is going to send me to sleep. Let me give you one ‘beautiful’ case study which every time I think about the events that transpired , makes me laugh with ‘pure happiness’. A guy who I went on date with not too long ago thought it would be a fun idea to bring up his ex in the middle of sex, which quite frankly was a major turn off. Although maybe I should have seen the red flag when A. he spent half of the date (in a restaurant that is definitely not vegetarian friendly may I add) speaking about sexy time with other girls, B. telling me that he wanted seven children (er hello my poor vagina, although yay to family values) and C. telling me he was loyal so many times that he started to sound like Georgia from Love Island, although that’s another story altogether.

Despite all that, and him not being my usual type, the animal attraction was definitely there and we wanted to rip each other’s clothes off. It was all going swimmingly well until he brought up his ex in the middle of sex and let me tell you something I was not best pleased. He was definitely loyal to sex I’ll give him that but as for his ‘sex aftercare’, I couldn’t help but cringe about the vivid detail he went into about him and his ex’s sex life. I just didn’t want to hear it. Worst of all was what he actually said during said sexy time, he compared our vaginas, I mean what the actual fuck? Granted he told me that he liked mine more,but it’s really weird for me to hear you screaming your ex’s name in Ecstasy as you are about to ‘explode’ so to speak. And you seem outraged at the audacity of me not having an orgasm when you called me by a different name. Erm sorry I don’t get turned on by being compared to your ex that’s fucking weird dude.

I actually had a similar scenario with an ex boyfriend of mine who I dated many moons ago when I clearly had no common sense. He was the one and only guy I have dated that was younger than me and was someone who I worked with at the time, so when our relationship ended it was safe to say that work got super uncomfortable after that. But I’m getting ahead of myself, when we dated it was a short-lived but intense romance, especially a month into our relationship when we started having sex, and I found out that he was sleeping with other women behind my back. He would mention his ex constantly, and at times I would feel like I was having sex with his ex, that’s how much he would talk about her. He would make comparisons between me and his ex, to the point where I would ask him whether he was over his ex or not, and he would tell me that I was ‘just being insecure’. Hmm I don’t know about you but I think anyone would feel insecure if their boyfriend kept talking about their ex night and day. Eventually, when I caught him sleeping with a friend of mine at the time, we broke up and he blamed his cheating on magic mushrooms, unable to accept that he was to blame. The wound was deepened by me finding out from one of the colleagues who fancied me that he had also cheated on me with four other women, someone who was the very definition of a fuckboy, who clearly A. needed to get over his ex and B. needed to start talking to Georgia about ‘loyalty’.

The Moral Of The Story

You’re clearly not over your ex. Go wank over your ex girlfriend later. I don’t need to know how brilliant she was.

Do Ask Your Date Questions. Show Some Interest, Get Off Your Phone And Get Those Fireworks Started.Spoiler Alert, It’s A Cracker. 

Now that we have got the ‘negatudes’ out of the way, it’s time to spill some T on the Dos of Dating. From being honest about whether you want to take a girl on a second date to showing interest in your ‘better half’, here are some bonafide dos that you want to add to your book of tricks. So you managed to hook the cutie from Tinder on a magical first date, and he’s looking ‘fresh and popping’ tonight, go you girl, you is on fire! Imagine your surprise therefore when he not only spends the majority of your date talking about his ex, but also drones on and on about how they would have had cute children together, and whether you think they were ‘the perfect match’. Dude no.If you are not over your ex girlfriend, snap out of it, and get off the rebound express, because the only bone you’re getting tonight is in the dog’s house. Read, dog’s dinner. So here’s what you should do instead: do ask a date questions about themselves and get off your phone. While you might have matched online, there is no need to bring technology to the table. Instead get to know each other, the old fashioned way.

I find that it is a massive turn on when someone is interested in getting to know me emotionally as well as physically, and if they are able to bring up topics that we previously discussed over text, then that makes the first date chatter even more exciting, as there is nothing sexier than feeling like you have been listened to. Let’s look at Romantic Dude number one, who incidentally happened to be the Invisible Man, but let’s pretend that never happened for a second. His alter ego the ‘romantic gentleman’ was kind, courteous and ever so charming, taking great care to pepper me with anecdotes about his life- read as he wants to get to know you- as well as asking me questions about myself, that ranged from serious and deep to the more light hearted and frivolous. But perhaps the most beautiful question that he asked me was ‘You told me that you were scared of dying, why is that’? While the question itself was difficult to answer and perhaps a little intense for a date, the question nevertheless touched me because it showed that he had put thought and care into his date with me, bringing up ‘serious topics that we had discussed on Whatsapp. And if you are wondering why he asked me about my fears, it was because one of the questions that he had asked me on Whatsapp was ‘what are you most afraid of’? Chilling true but this question felt ‘right’ for our date because we had been getting to know each other for over two months beforehand. He also said he had put my birthday into his Google Calendar but that’s a story for another time.

My point being is that regardless of gender it is so important to show an interest in your date and make the effort to get to know them because otherwise it can read as you coming across as disinterested, which is never a good move on a date. And if you’re stuck on what to ask your date, here is a link to 160 questions ranging from the lighthearted- ‘who is your favourite author’ to the more intense ‘If you knew you were going to die in a year, what would you change about how you live?’. Just be sure to read the ‘level’ of interaction between you to ascertain what kind of questions you want to bring up. For example I have been on dates where it has been quite sexually charged and we have spoken about masturbation and porn-as you do- to dates where we swap life stories and connect on a deeper emotional level, so it’s important to assess what the other person wants to know or wants to speak about.

The Moral Of The Story

Oh my god you are actually interested in me? Winner winner you’re my dinner.

Do Be Honest. If You Are Not That Into Someone Then Don’t Get Their Hopes Up. Cats Have Feelings Too You Know.

We have all been on a date which we thought we had nailed , only to find out that MR Handsome doesn’t think your porridge tastes just right. And sometimes we leave a date wanting more, wondering why they didn’t kiss you, and whether they would like to see you again. Other times we are asked out on a second date only to find out that they are only asking you out because they don’t want to hurt your feelings, so afterwards they will ghost you and you will sit back reeling thinking that the dude is a bit of a prick. In any case it is always important, whether you think you will hurt their feelings or not to be honest about how you feel about the person you are dating. If you are not over your ex and have asked out your date on a second date, you are not only lying to yourself about your state of mind, but you are also giving them false hope, because they think that your connection is progressing forward. In reality you still have photos of your ex Sandra Dee on the wall and your bathroom pays homage to her multiple lotions and potions that she never picked up. Or if you are simply not interested in your date, don’t be mean and say that you are more sexually attracted to a bottle of Dettol than her, but do say that you didn’t feel a spark, as opposed to waiting until she is in love to be like ‘yo I ain’t interested homie’. Not coolio. After all, cats have feelings too.

I mentioned that C told me a little time after our first date, that he thought it would be best that we didn’t see each other anymore after realizing that he was still not over his ex, and while it might have stung, I appreciated his honesty, even if it was after he asked me out on a second date. What would have been a better idea was to tell me that he ‘had a lovely time’ but that he was not over his ex and couldn’t go on a second date, as opposed to waiting until after he asked me out again. My point is that he clearly didn’t want to hurt my feelings and maybe on some level he thought that the prospect of a second date might help him get over his ex. When he realized that he couldn’t go out with someone else, when he was still in love with another woman, that’s when he was honest, which I understood. After all it is difficult to tell someone that you actually like someone else, but it’s always better to be honest from the start, isn’t it? So while I might not always tell guys that I don’t want a second date-unless they ask and then I am honest with them-I will never lead them on or make it seem like I am into someone when I’m not.

The Moral Of The Story

This Pussy (CAT)- get your mind out of the gutter- wants to know if you think she is purrrr-fect

Do Compliment Your Date. It’s Not Cheesy To Throw Some Brie-lliant Compliments Their Way. Preferably With A Side Order Of Nachos To Go. #youarewelcome

I have been on dates with guys who have been severely lacking on the compliment front, where the only compliment you would get was after a vigorous bout of hot sex, when they would feel obliged to feed you some post-coital  compliments. After thanking you for having a ‘nice bum’ and for giving them the ‘ride of their lives’ they would seal the deal with a pat on the back and a congratulatory well done, as though you should win a prize for love making in the’Grand Championship’ of let’s have sexy time. Some guys will go to the other extreme ladling compliment after compliment until your bag is swelling with compliments and you struggle to carry it to the front door. You start to cringe as they tick every cliche off the ‘chat up line list’- ‘I want to stretch you like a KFC bucket’ was a memorable one- and feed you compliments every five seconds until you start to wonder whether they actually mean what they are saying. I mean it’s nice for you to call me beautiful, but do you have to tell me every five seconds? Which is why you have to find a happy medium between the ‘un-generous complimenter’ and the ‘cheesy aficionado’ ; it is important to compliment your date because it not only shows them that you are interested in them but it also is a massive turn on both intellectually and physically as you are making them feel wanted.

But here’s the T, don’t feed your date compliments that aren’t true, or don’t articulate how you feel. For example telling someone that ‘they are the most interesting person that you have met recently’ is nice, but only if you actually mean what you are saying. On the other hand if you think someone is beautiful tell them so, but don’t rely on purely aesthetic compliments either. I am much more flattered when someone compliments my personality and who I am as a person rather than when they tell me that I am beautiful and have a ‘nice arse’, because it shows that they want to connect on an emotional as well as physical level which is definitely an attractive quality. I went on a date with someone recently who while quick to shower me in praise about my- and I quote- mesmerizing eyes, ‘beautiful mouth and peachy butt, with a side serving of ‘leggy legs’ , they were also very complimentary about my personality too, calling me quirky, fun, friendly, caring and kind, which made me melt on all levels.

The Moral Of The Story

I am always hungry. Feed me with compliments. They don’t call me Little Miss Hungry for nothing.

Do Go Into Dates With An Open Mind And Without Expectations. There May Be Such Thing As A Judge Judy But I’m Not Into It. Not Today Satan, Not Today. 

Often we find that the person who is our type on paper, might not always turn out to be our Prince Charming, which is why it is so important to broaden our horizons and say yes to a date with someone who might not be our usual type. For example if you would ask anyone what my type would be ‘aesthetically’ it would be athletic, blonde and blue eyed, while personality would be someone who is funny, romantic, charming, caring, a gentleman and someone who is a little cheeky. But when I ‘date people’ while I might automatically be attracted to blondes, I don’t let that limit my dating pool, and will date brunettes or anyone else who might not be my usual type, because I always go into a date without expectations leaving my mind and heart open to what could possibly happen, as opposed to judging someone simply because they might not be my type on paper. And while it is important to be be attracted to someone without needing to be drunk to feel a spark, to me what matters most is a winning personality as it’s so important to build upon and foster a genuine human connection. After all there is only so much sex you can have with someone without getting to know who they are at the core, and it’s often those who are not your type who will surprise you the most.

I remember a few years ago falling head over heels for this guy who conventionally was not my type; he had curly brown hair, was a little rough and ready, wore glasses and was a little geeky. Yet despite my initial lack of attraction, once I got to know him I became enamored with him pretty quickly, loving the way he would smile at me with those dimpled cheeks and how he would make me laugh with inappropriate jokes that would have me clutching my sides. Unfortunately he had a girlfriend so I never made a move, but it did show me how to be more open minded when it came to finding someone to date, because it could be the person who is the furthest removed from your type that makes your heart go boom, clap, and that truly is a beautiful feeling. I always believe that it is vital to be open minded, especially on a first date because first impressions really do count, so if your date has a hobby that might be a little out of your comfort zone or be in a world that is so different from your own, don’t automatically dismiss them. Instead take the time to get to know them, asking questions about their ‘differences’ and seeing the positives in what they have to say. At the same time while it is important to not be judgmental and be open minded, never compromise who you are as a person. For example if you are not into sending nude photos and videos, then don’t feel like you have to send them to a guy you are seeing if you are not comfortable with it. And if a guy wants to try kinky stuff in bed that you would rather not do then speak up and say so, because having an opinion does not make you close-minded.

The Moral Of The Story

He Might Not Be Your Type on paper, but he might be the one. Don’t be a Judy, be open minded.

Do Be Confident And Make The First Move. It’s 2018 Aint Nobody Got Time To Wait Around For A Shy Boy To Plant One On You. I Got Bills To Pay, Weddings to Officiate. 

Have you ever left a date wishing that you sealed the evening with a kiss, only to go your separate ways, awkwardly ‘side-hugging’, before exchanging a few bumbling texts, that gradually dissipate into nothingness? Yep me too and that is often because we are too scared to handle rejection or to misread a situation, thinking that someone is into you when they would rather date a frog. Trust me we have all been there, but why should it always be up to a guy to make a first move? I try and make it very clear when I am interested in someone else, and will often take control of the situation if I feel like there is chemistry there. But at the same time I always seem to expect the ‘guy to make the first move’ when it comes to planting a smacker as, like many people out there, I am scared of rejection because there can be nothing worse than being snubbed a kiss on a first date. But here’s the T, if we like someone we shouldn’t wait for the guy to give us a kiss, we should lean in for the kill and give him the kiss of life, until he is literally begging for more of your stolen kisses.

And it’s not just about going in for a kiss that will constitute a first move. If you are feeling the vibe and don’t want the date to end then speak up and say so. I had a date with a guy recently, who after dinner said that it would be nice to get some drinks. I didn’t want the night to end so I point blank said so and told him the direction of where I wanted the night to go. He seemed surprised and later told me that while he didn’t expect the night to end as it did, he was bloody glad because he got to know me on another level and ‘was so bloody attracted to me’, so he was pleased that I took charge of the situation, because it showed him that I was attracted to him too. You see, just because someone might appear to be confident and bolshy, does not mean that you can rely, nor should you expect them to make the first move, because taking initiative can be darn sexy for you and your partner.

I mean it’s 2019 how dare we make the first move, bloody outrageous.

The Moral Of The Story

Boy needs to know you like him. Throw some love kernels his way.

Do Be Yourself. Don’t Pretend To Be Someone Else.If He Doesn’t Like You For Who You Are Then He Can Go Suck Himself Off.

I have been guilty of trying to be someone I am not simply because I was often afraid that people wouldn’t like me for who I was. I would be the extroverted introvert, who would push herself outside her comfort zone and project an image of myself that I thought people would like because I was so convinced that they wouldn’t like the real me. The thing is, especially when it comes to dating if you feel pressured to change who you are, or the guy you are with seems to want you to pretend to be someone else, then they do not like or want to get to know you as a person, which is a bloody darn shame. But it’s their loss because let me tell you something, we are all fabulous and if someone cant appreciate the our real selves then they can just go suck their own dick tonight, because giving them head will definitely not be on the top of your agenda. Okurrr? So here’ the deal, always,always, always be yourself because anyone who doesn’t take the time to get to know you is not someone who is worth investing your time in. After all is it too much to ask to find a guy who likes you for you, and not because they want to bend you over the kitchen sink?

I remember really fancying a friend’s brother many moons ago, who was not blonde-shocker I know- and someone who I would consider to be the ‘personification of cool’ in contrast to my quirky and eccentric self. We became fast friends, and I was entranced by his underground lifestyle, as well as his beautiful blue eyes. Yet even though he was charming, funny and artistic, he was also massively into drugs-something which I am very anti-and was into a lifestyle that was very much out of my comfort zone. But to make it seem like I was ‘just as cool’ as he was, I would boast about me breaking the rules at school, go to places that weren’t me, and even try and change my personality, the way I looked and how I dressed simply to fit into his world. And when we were dating, I might not have realized how drastically I had changed to appease him, but once we broke up, I realized I had been blind to what had been going on. I learned that not only should you never lose your identity, even when you are in a long term relationship and dream of happily ever afters together, but that if you’re dating people and you find yourself changing your behavior for them, or even changing your overall personality, you’ve probably fallen in the trap of “dating identity. Which is a big dating no no.

Moral Of The Story

It’s Cute to impersonate, it’s not cute to pretend to be someone else. Because If You Can’t Love Yourself, How The Hell You Gonna Love Somebody Else? Can I Get An Amen.

What Are Your Dating Dos and Dont’s?

Disclaimer

As always this is a dating post sprinkled with humor, sass and a lack of class. If you are offended you can go watch Cbeebies.