How To Find Your Soulmate At Any Age
Finding love at any age is no easy feat, as you navigate your way through a murky corridor of f**kboys, engulfed in a sea of the unknown. Known as the underworld of dating, life can throw more obstacles your way than you can count fingers, as you dodge bad first dates, sniff out those cheating soundrels and tear your hair out in frustation. Trust me i’ve been there, and I never thought that I would meet the one .
But meet the one I did.
As someone who found the love of my life online in the most unexpected of places, i’m here to tell you that even the impossible can be possible. Whether you use Tinder, Bumble, Hinge to find love, meet your dates organically on nights out, or get set up, opening your heart to love is an important part of learning to find your soulmate at any age.
Whether you are a mature dater and are looking for over 70’s dating, are single after a long term relationship, have never had a partner or are looking to find love again, you really can find your soulmate at any age. Take it from me, I found love when I was least expecting it
I used to be the girl who was unlucky in love, who would have her heart broken again and again. I used to be the woman who found it hard to look at herself in the mirror, who would silently trace the emotional scars on my body and map them out like they were celestial stars. I was enveloped in a blanket of self-hate, low self-esteem and was lacking in confidence, my own worst naysayer.
Is it little wonder therefore that going on all these dates without a purpose or manifestation led to a wrong turn in the road, where the men weren’t right for me, some nice, some not so sweet? Does it come as any surprise that I spent years chasing wrong un’s who weren’t my perfect fit, who didn’t complete me, who didn’t satiate my craving to be in love?
I was so fixated on this idea of the ‘perfect soulmate’ who would fit my type down to a T, that I lost sight of what was important… I had to learn to love myself first, trapped in a vicious cycle of self-loathing, vemonous vipers coating my lips laviciously. I had to invest in my own self-care and fall in love with who I was, before I could open up my heart to someone else.
And yet, while I was in this journey of self-discovery, I found my other half, the puzzle piece to my jigsaw, my perfect match. And he was nothing like I’d imagined him to be. It was when I stopped expecting so much from the world that the universe answered my call and gave me D, my handsome man. He was kind, warm and affectionate, who’d make me laugh, and wipe away my tears when they rolled down my cheeks.
He was the perfect combination of caring and cheeky, never afraid to hold my hand in public, or make inappropriate jokes that he knew would make me chortle. And now, a year and 8 months later, I couldn’t imagine life without him, proving that you can find your soulmate at any age, no matter what your circumstances are. I had a lot of trauma in my heart, but with his patience and love, the ice is slowly melting.
He was the first man that I fell in love with, but I thought I had been in love before. But when I met him I realized that toxic love is no kind of love at all. If you feel like you are suffocating, are triggered, paranoid and on edge, then you are drowning in toxicity. Whether it was in relationships or friendships, I would often ‘connect’ with the wrong people, because I was never one to judge a book by its cover.
But sometimes, ignoring your gut instinct or overlooking a person’s negative qualities will only do you harm, not good. I know that now, but having survived an abusive childhood and bullying, among other things, I was so eager to get approval from others, that I would be the ultimate people pleaser to my own detriment. But now, luckily I know my own self-worth and I am not the person that I was back then.
Through extensive Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy, a good support system and being determined to work on myself, I found a way out of the darkness, clawing my way into the light. I fought tooth and nail to be the best version of myself that I could possibly be, but that’s not to say that all my hard work made finding love easy. Because finding love was one of the hardest things that I had to endure.
From the moment I was born until now, aged 27, I’ve had to overcome adversity, climbing aboard a chariot that was determined to go up into flames. It licked its lips with an impish grin, trying to pull me under as I battled my way right back to the top. Abused at 6 years old, I survived to live another day. Bullied throughout my teen years, I wrote to keep the demons away. Battling Depression, Anxiety and PTSD from childhood until now, I fought day and night against my little visitor that locked me in a silver cage of torment.
I overcame toxic friendships and relationships, battled health issues with a smile on my face and pieced together the broken fragments of my heart, sweeping up the dust that lay behind. I acted quickly when my housemate set fire to my previous house, gathered my wits about me when I was robbed twice in one year, and readied my heart for grief, anguish and despair, at the loss of friends and family who’d departed this world. But it was through this path swamped in negativity that I found the key to finding love, and becoming stronger in tougher times.
And you can find love too. No matter who you are, what you have been through or how young or old you are, if you are open minded and go into dating without expectations, you can find the one who completes you. From believing in the power of ‘manifestation’ and being positive that your soulmate is out there, to healing your heart of any past hurt, here are some beautiful tips that can help you find love once more.
In Order To Find Your Soulmate You Have To Believe That Your Soulmate Is Out There
As someone who questions anything and everything, finding the power and strength to not be ‘cynical’ or ‘realistic’ is a new thing to me, as I was skeptical about ‘projecting my innermost desires’ into the universe. I never believed in the power of ‘positive thinking’ because I felt it masked the truth, and didn’t want to paste a happy smile, when what lurked beneath was much darker.
Don’t get me wrong, to the outside world I was chirpy and cheerful, but sometimes what I said wasn’t actually a reflection of how I felt. I would say that I was fine, when I was not, and would project a version of myself, because I thought that is what made others happy. But what about making myself happy first? After all, if I couldn’t learn to love myself, then how could I attract my soulmate and have the love that I had always dreamed of having?
The difference is now, when I say those positive mantras, when I voice those dreams, they are real, and I mean every word. Because I have worked so hard to be kinder to myself, to stay positive in tough times and to seek help when I really need it, I have got better at attracting positive energy around me. They say that what you put out into the universe gets fed back to you, and in some way I find that true.
I was looking for love in the wrong places, went on countless bad dates and encountered dating disasters, but not once did I give up. Even when I felt frustrated, lost or helpless, even when I would date to mask the pain I felt inside, or numb myself from feeling love, my desire to date, to love and to feel never want away. After all, I found my boyfriend when I was still fragile and vunerable, cloying emotions clogging up my throat.
This was a sign to me, that manifesting your dreams, never giving up and being patient leads to a positive outcome when you least expect it. When I stopped looking for love, it found me. When I stopped expecting so much from others, the world offered a perfect match. And when I stopped hating who I was, and started falling in love with myself, I learned how to let go, and be the very best version of me that I could possibly be.
My life was evidence of that, where others might have crumbled and fallen, I used adversity to heal and become bolder. I said no to falling on my ass and said yes to a brighter tomorrow, where I wouldn’t detatch myself from reality per say, but I would allow myself to dream and believe that I can make any dream happen if I truly want it to.
My Aunty has a saying (and I believe it too) that not only does everything happen for a reason, but it will also happen at the right time. It might not be when you want it to happen, it might be positive or negative, but thus is the circle of life, which is why we have to seize every opportunity, as though it is our last.
The same goes for dating too. I know people who are seniors that have found love in their twilight years, friends who lost partners and found love once more, and those who are content simply waiting for the right person, who does not want to force love that is not natural or right. Whatever or who you are looking for, one of the most important life lessons I have learned is to not give up and ‘believe in the power of belief’.
To believe in the power of belief means you need to let go of your assumptions and pre-conceived judgements, to have faith (dosen’t have to be religious) and above all to have trust that life will feed and nourish your soul so that you feel whole again. I was broken, but those fragments are healing, and you too can use the power of belief to manifest your dream partner today.
After all, love is there for you, and it’s always been there for you. It’s up to you to let love life into your life, it’s up to you to break down those walls and let your heart beat freely, and it’s up to you to date yourself and fall in love again, and again and again.
Heal Your Heart Of Any Past Hurt
Trauma has followed me around ever since I can remember, an unwanted frenemy lurking in the shadows. It would tear down my self-confidence and feed my self-esteem to a hungry pack of wolves. It would tell me that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I wasn’t good enough or that I was second best on a daily basis, forcing me to question who I was and who I wanted to be for a very long time.
In short trauma was gut-wrenching, soul destroying and tore my heart into a million pieces. It made me feel worthless, it made me feel used and I was convinced that I was too damaged to be loved. After all, when you’ve been rejected time and time again, it’s only natural to feel dejected and that this is ‘life’s lot’.
I struggled to leave the pain behind, even when I thought I was past the pain. I sought release in the wrong ways and used distractions to take away the hurt. I was so addicted to the fear of anxiety itself, that I was caught up in this wind turbine of emotions, that tried to swallow me whole. But then I learnt something life changing, that would change the way I viewed life forever…
I learned how to say no to toxicity and seek out positive influences in my life. I cut out bad relationships in my life and focused on quality, as opposed to quantity. I believed in the power of ‘yes and no’ on my own terms, and took no prisoners when it came to being authentic to me. I started caring less about what others thought, and starting making better choices in my life.
I ate better, rested more, and worked hard day and night to be reflective on the kind of person that I wanted to be. I realized that the person was me. I was already the person who I wanted to be, I just had to believe in myself, and feel confident, even when others would try and tear me down. When I worked on the energy that I wanted to convey, it allowed me to be the truest version of myself, that I am today.
And it was all because of this one coping mechnasim: to not give your ‘negative feelings or traits’ the power to take over you and eradicate your free will. What I mean by that is that I had always been an emotional person, who was in touch with her emotions, and would be intensely happy one moment, and deeply sad the next. I gave my emotions too much power over myself, and let them take me down in my most vunerable moments.
I gave my feelings so much power, that they were swollen with authority, lording it over me whenever they damn pleased… And it wasn’t just negative feelings or emotions that tried to control me, but the past too. I was so focused on what had happened in the past that I couldn’t stay in the present, which never truly allowed me to move past the trauma. As soon as I realized how negative influences were controlling me in my life, my heart became a little more free, until bit by bit, I let people in. It felt amazing to be unshackled from my inhibitions.
I never thought I was one to hold grudges, but through therapy I realised that there was a part of me that was bitter, festering in resentment and overwhelmingly tired. As soon as I pinpointed those grudges, and the places of hurt that they came from I was able to move ‘past the past’ and focus on living in the moment without jumping ahead. And you can too, no matter how many times you have been hurt or the place of pain that you are in, I promise that there is a way out. Because we as humans are resilient, warriors conditioned by emotional strength.
In the time that my partner has known me, I have been through more ups and downs than you can imagine. And yet in spite of this, the one steadfast thing in my life, the one constant, the one solace, was my partner, who through thick and thin has helped me become happier and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. Through his unconditional love, I have been able to be kinder to myself and see love with new eyes.
To find your soulmate, you have to first heal your heart of any past hurt. Although I met my partner when I was still hurting, and in some ways still am, he took my hand and showed that he would be there for me. That I wasn’t just damaged goods or emotional baggage, that he could handle whatever I threw it him without so much as a batted eyelid.
And that’s what you have to do too. You have to be open to finding love, even when you are hurting. You have to learn how to let someone in, but at your own pace, and if they don’t get onboard then they are not the right person for you. Because your soulmate would want to kiss away that pain, they’d want to be the first thing that you think about when you get up in the morning, and the last thing when you go to sleep.
After all, when we heal the scars of our past, we open the door to a more fulfilling future.
Invest In Self Love And Fall In Love With Yourself
It might sound ‘new age hippy’ but nothing heals our wounded heart more than self-care and self-love. For so many years, both in and out of relationships, I didn’t know how to love someone else, let alone love myself. Yes I was dealing with trauma, mental health issues and crippling self-doubt, but how could I heal myself, mind, body and soul if I was so resistant to this idea of ‘self-care’?
I was taught through life experience that self-care was selfish, when it wasn’t. If I spoke out about my mental health issues I was being ‘dramatic’ and wanted attention, when I was really crying out for help and spent years not being able to love myself, when I should have. I never saw self-care as selfish for others, and in fact was often a ‘caregiver’ who wanted to take care of others, but couldn’t take care of herself.
It seemed like a sweet dose of irony, but it was true. I worked day and night without so much as a rest, slept badly, ate bad food, and would survive on a diet of fatigue, tears and low moods, but to an outsider looking in, I had the perfect life. Little did they know how much I was hurting inside. My life was a chaotic mess, and that was partially because I had stopped focusing time, energy and attention on myself.
Even as recently as last year, I was still living this rollercoaster life, with bad habits and a poor routine, massively impacting my mental health and wellbeing. You can say that I was going through some tough times, which I was, you can say that I was trying to find a way to mask my pain, to gloss over the dark thoughts that would form in my brain, but isn’t that reason enough to say wake up and change your life?
Looking back now, while there are times when I am working too hard, and investing too much time and energy to the point that it stresses me out, I do have better habits in place. In a way lockdown really helped me change my routine. I spend more time at home, have dedicated ‘me-time’ and ‘self-care sessions’, try to focus on what makes me happy and have worked really hard on being kinder to myself.
For the first time in 27 years, I can honestly say that I love who I am, what I stand for, and I’m no longer ashamed to be me. I embrace my quirks and what make me unique because I like standing out from the crowd.I see my scars as battle wounds because they are a reminder of the strength it took for me to overcome all the hardships in my life. And most of all I know how to love and that’s the most freeing feeling of all.
When I took the time to invest in myself, this is when I was able to open my heart to finding love. When I had self-made spa days at home, had calls with friends and family or watched a favourite show, my heart gladdened and I would feel all my worries dissipate away. Whether it was something small like a bubble bath, or snuggling with my partner, it was the little things that allowed me to fall in love.
Because I didn’t just fall in love with my partner, but I fell in love with myself too. I fell in love with my weird and quirky personality, and savoured my intellectual discussions and my creative projects. I loved how I was nice, yet fearless, a multi-faceted individual who didn’t let the past hold her back. Most of all I loved my strength, that I was able to survive trauma and make it out the other side smiling.
‘Dating myself’ has helped me be a better partner, and give more of myself to others, without burning the candle at both ends. I have learned how to be less critical of myself, and more receptive to praise and kindness. I have allowed myself to be vunerable, honest and naked with my partner, and in turn, our communication and bond has only gotten stronger. When we first started dating I had such a huge wall up that I found it hard to let him in. And now, by letting go of the past and the hurt I found myself falling in love. And it was beautiful.
To find your soulmate takes time, dedication and patience, and you might have more than one soulmate in a lifetime. But as long as you take care of yourself, invest in me-time and stop seeing self-care as an ‘unneccessary chore’ you can allow yourself to connect to your hearts desire. For example let’s say your daily ritual is to use positive affirmations and meditation to start the day with a big grin on your face.
When you invest in meditative or wellness practices, you truly take time out from the stresses of everyday, and allow yourself to clear your mind while you focus on truly being in the present. And that’s exactly how you should approach love as well. You can do guided meditations on love, or chant positive mantras such as ‘the right person is out there for me’, ‘good love takes time’, ‘my patience will be rewarded’ and so forth. When you project your desires out into the universe, your call will be answered. It’s just a matter of how long it will take.
Be Mindful And Set Realistic Criteria That Will Help You Find The One
When you first try and find your soulmate, it might seem like you are chasing an impossible dream. After all, even the most fantastical enthusiasts among us can admit that a ‘fairytale romance’ just does not happen in real life. Perfection does not exist, and if we keep searching for our ‘perfect partner’ we might never open our eyes to our future partner to be.
It can be all too easy to have a bible of ‘must have traits’ that we want our partners to have, whether that be the way they look, how they act, or how tall or old they are. But that’s the thing. Love has no labels, love has no limits and love is not defined by lust. You might find someone attractive and then realize that you have zero chemistry with them, even though they are your type on paper.
Then you might meet the partner of your dreams, who takes you by surprise. Because that’s exactly who my partner was, the man who swept me away, who in the past I might not have gone for, because I had a very ‘specific’ type. But I realized that when I kept searching for this type, it never translated well in person, as it would usually manifest into ‘chemistry’ and ‘lust’ or ‘disappointment and boredom’ as opposed to the ‘love’, ‘friendship’ and companionship that I was after.
When I stopped ‘typecasting’ the type of partner that I was after, I was able to have more fun with dating, let myself feel more free and eventually it led me to the right person in the end. So you see, when you date outside of what looks perfect on paper, or go for someone that is the complete opposite of your type, you can find your soulmate at any age.
Over the last few years of dating, I learned many life lessons. Although I was searching for love, I wasn’t searching for the right person. I would go on back to back dates, because in some ways I was trying to soothe the loneliness and rejection that I felt in my heart. I would date people that I knew were wrong for me, because I was very attracted to them physically. Above all I would always ignore the alarm bells that were ringing out in my head.
Don’t get me wrong, I always went into the dates with the hope that it would transcend beyond sex, but this didn’t always happen. At times I was okay with this, at other times I wasn’t. But here’s the T. Attraction doesen’t always equate to soulmate potential, and even the most promising of beginnings can have rather shitty endings.
Being attracted to someone physically, is a completely different ball game to being emotionally bonded with someone and it can be all too easy to latch on to chemistry as a sure fire sign of a fantastic relationship to come. However the sizzle does not always go past the second date, so chasing chemistry can do you dirty, as you keep going after the same type of person that isn’t right for you, over and over again.
But it can be hard to find your soulmate if you don’t know what you are searching for. When I met my partner, I knew from our first date that he wasn’t like anyone else I had met. In fact I can recall telling friends that he was the ‘male version of me’ and they laughed but it was true. We were in different in some ways but in others we were two peas in a pod, sharing the same taste in shows, having the same sunny, proactive attitude to life and having the ability to make each other laugh hysterically, at random stupid shit.
I loved that about him, how he’d make light of any crappy day, and turn it on its head, how he cared for me, and looked out for me and how he would tell me I was beautiful, smart and sexy, every single day. I wasn’t used to someone being that kind, and that gentle and it truly allowed me to come into my own, and step outside of my bubble. We had so much in common, we truly got each other and had each others backs.
It was almost like we had found each other in another lifetime, the way that we complemented each other so well, it was almost surreal. I know I said that perfection didn’t exist, but this was as close to perfect that I was ever going to get. And that’s what you have to bear in mind, if you don’t give up on love and if you believe that your soulmate is out there, no matter how many turds you date, your match is just a click away.
I learned to lower my expectations and be comfortable with flaws. I stopped searching for that perfect type, because it wasn’t realistic and began to embrace the humanity in mistakes. When my partner would do or say something I didn’t agree with, instead of seeing this as a ‘turn off’ or using that against him, I saw this as a chance to be open and explain how it made me feel.
The old me would have retreated, backed away and scuttled into the shadows, afraid of rejection and investing time in something that might not be my future. But not the new me, she is bold, fearless and has faith. After all, you’ll stay single if you become fixated with this idea of a perfect relationship that does not exist. There are always going to be ups and downs. It’s just up to you to accept that.
What Are Your Tips On Finding Your Soulmate and Perfect Match?
Please note this is a collaborative post but all thoughts are my own and are not affected by monetary compensation. Learning how to find your soulmate is a gradual process but remember love has no age, time, or label. You will find your soulmate when the time is right.