As people close one door I burst into tears, convulsions running through my chest as I weep out my agony. They seem indifferent to my pain, preferring to ignore my red rimmed eyes and my swollen cheeks. Every breath feels like a knife to my lungs and I am gasping for air. I am caught in a dense tide, a chain shackled to my ankles, slowly drowning in a well of my own despair. Everytime I think that I am happy, a new wave forms forcing melancholic thoughts into my overcrowded head. I don’t know which way to turn when the vipers are following my other move and I know god damn well that they don’t offer consolidation. I am going through a big change at the moment and at every turn things seem to go wrong as though they want to punish me for following my dreams . But who can I turn to when the faces are turned away from me, when the people to offer me solace are those who show me the door and if I don’t find the escape route soon I don’t know what will become of me. I thought that things were going right for me, for once in my life but I guess that was a misguided delusion, I was just kidding myself. My dreams have been trampled on and thrown into the dust but somehow amidst the despair and the hurt is a way out but I don’t know how to unlock the key. I have been replaced and disgraced and thrown into the gutter when it suited people to be done with me. I was seen as a help-meet and someone who was loyal and always there. Well not any more because I know who the true ones are and you are not one of them. Did you pretend to like me to get the help you needed and throw me into the gutter when I was no longer useful? Pretend to not hear me when I burst into anguishing sobs or when the crowds were there you turned on the showbiz ‘caring’ role and pretended to care how I was. Yet what happened when noone was around, you turned your back on me, stopped seeing if I was ok and that hurt the most.
I am not ok and have not been for a long time and I spend my days playing a character to get me through living. Its like I am sleepwalking through the motions, unaware of time and space and desensitized to life. I am exhausted all the time and the tears that leave a ravaging imprint on my weathered cheeks are testament to the panic attacks that attack me like a rifle three times a day. I wipe my tears when you come into the room and sometimes I leave them to drip as I hold my panic attacks in… but still you say nothing. Sometimes you try to be pally pally with me and I used to fall for it like the stupid idiot I was, desperate to find a salve for my wounded heart. That wont happen again, not now that you broke my heart and trampled over it like the monster you are. I thought you were my friend but I guess I was wrong. I am a people pleaser but I never seem to please and despite my best intentions I always seem to get hurt and its a never ending cycle I can’t seem to escape. You gave me a haven to escape my ruin but now that haven has become toxic and time is running out.
The clock is ticking and the sand begins to trickle and I am well aware that everything I had planned for and dreamed about will disintegrate into dust. I hope its not too late to find an escape route, I hope I can conquer all and above all know one thing, you will never be my friend again. You are not worth my time and attention and you took the place I called shelter from me and for that I will never forgive you. You stood by him promising to look out for me, to cherish me and protect me from pain and at first you did. I will be grateful for the short time we were friends and you taught me to laugh with abandon. But those smiles and those laughter lines are long dried up now and all that remains is resentment and hurt. You can call me petty or call me out for writing this post but I will never stop doing the thing that I love the most… can you say the same?
Have You Ever Dealt With Toxic Waste?