When I first started blogging friends and family were in two minds; some loved the idea of me being a blogger and thought that it was an automatic gateway to success while others saw it as a hobby and did not take it and me seriously. Blogging is often given a negative representation in the media as an occupation that automatically gives you money, fame and freebies when the reality couldn’t be any further from the truth. I clawed my way from the bottom and I am still nowhere near the top but nor do I intend to be. I am not fame hungry, am disinterested in putting other bloggers down to further my success and I will always have my friends backs and that is not going to change just because I am a blogger. So why did I choose to become a blogger?
I am a blogger because I want to show an alternative side to fashion that does not revolve around the latest trends and instead explore important sociological issues that affect the fashion industry today. Fashion- contrary to an outsiders perspective- is inherently spiritual, artistic and conflicted giving us a beautiful insight into the human mind and can often give us the key to peeling back the layers of our real selves. The process of fashion is absorbed at different stages of our lives and for me it began around the age of 15 where I worked to keep up with the latest trends and be ‘cool for once’ and it seemed that it was the first time that peers were beginning to take me seriously. It felt good to have street cred and it made me realize that the way you dress influences the way you act and communicate with your peers, aqquaintainces, family and friends. It was like I had entered a new world and I was obsessed with curating new ways to wear clothing to compensate for the little financial income I earnt. I turned dresses into skirts and layered to keep outfits fresh while during my sixth form years I never wore the same outfit again keeping the fashion mystery alive. Reading personal style blogs like Song of Style, Viva Luxury and Lace & Lock embodied my classic elegant style at the time where I favoured ‘blue’, ‘floral’ and ‘dresses’ and it truly shows the influence that bloggers have over their consumers/readers.
But I digress, a large part of why I became a blogger was rooted in my bad health issues and I had to give up my job as a carer ( which was funding my university studies) because I was too sick to work, I couldn’t sleep, could barely eat and was in a lot of physical and emotional pain. I became seriously depressed and did not want to go out and my anxiety was through the roof but still I persevered achieving a first class degree that was a testament to the literal blood. sweat and tears that I had gone through to get to this point. Then I thought what now? For a while I was working voluntarily for a series of other companies and specialized in writing fashion reports & music reviews and I happened to go out for a meal with some university friends who were discussing becoming bloggers as a hobby. Then I thought to myself why the hell not, for years I have denied myself my dreams to make other people happy and it is time to do what I want. And Faded Spring came at the right time, I was feeling suicidal and the blog became a form of release for me. At first Faded Spring was your generic run-of the mill fashion blog and I began to question why I had become a blogger in the first place. Was it not to be truthful, powerful and challenge social convention? Because all of those words are who I am and I knew that it was time to tell my readers the truth.
As I peeled back another traumatising part of who I was I felt liberated, for the first time I was being honest about the way I was feeling and it felt pretty damn good. I was no longer caught in someone elses shadow but had stepped out of the shell of my former self and conquered all. The demons had nothing on me, I was free as a bird and realized that these worries were contributing to my anxiety attacks and depression. You see when I was abused and bullied I never got counselling, never thought that I had to acknowledge my past because I was happy to have escaped the shackles of my past. But I was wrong, the insecurities began piling up one by one ‘your not good enough’ , ‘not pretty enough’ I was never satisfied with my self and any achievements I had was mired by me wanting more. Because that is how I was raised to think that I was second best and it took me a long time to acknowledge that i was worth more. Becoming a blogger taught me that all the positive feedback, comments, likes, emails and messages only showed me how very wrong I was to think of myself so lowly and I do hold myself in higher esteem than I did in the past. I might not love myself as much as I should but what matters is that I am moving forward and kicking the past to the kerb where it belongs.
I became a blogger to reinvent myself and carve out a future that could be frozen in time, when I grow older and can longer write these online diaries will teach me how to value life and live it to the full because truthfully I don’t think I am living life as I should. I push myself to extreme limits even when I am sick and fixate on being the best at everything but still I don’t live life to the full. How is this possible? I will tell you why, because I go through the motions mechanically and there is an endless structure that I can’t seem to escape. I need a break, a holiday and a chance to reconnect with myself again. If anything blogging showed me how little we live our lives and if I can make a difference by posting truthful accounts like this, open peoples eyes to the suffering of minority groups in the fashion industry and still remain true to my fashion ethos then I think that is a journey worth celebrating.
Why did you become a blogger?
Photography: Jumanna Khanom
Sunglasses: Forever 21
Tights: New Look