From Russia With Love

‘ Crushed hopes in a paradise of broken dreams, the scent of success a distant memory,

Reverse the wheel of fortune, place your cards on the deck and watch it turn into ashes before your eyes, feel the burn like an ecstacy mark upon your skin, smoke lingering hours after,

turn the tap and drown your sorrows, wallow in the shallow darkness of the past. Tangible DNA no more, buried underground a rotting corpse. Blind in death and in life we are desensitized to the suffering of others, the juice of pre-judgement clouding our eyes. We are shrouds in a world that exists outside of reality and that reality is death’

The Story of A II

Society is split into two camps: the corpse that feeds upon positive energy and the victim drained of all strength. Which camp do you fall into, are you the souless corpse whose unhappiness transcends into the people that you most love or the weak victim of corruption, where the state bends you into submission? We are like corpses already dead too weak to defend ourselves against the demonic army of haters coming our way. But we must fight back, don’t let negative energy destroy you and show the corpses why you deserve to retain your identity.

Let me tell you a story about a ‘corpse’ that used me as her plaything, as a sacrifice to cement her status as most desirable girl. In an age where mental health issues are more common than not, I suffer from severe anxiety and depression among other ‘physical’ illnesses and I am not ashamed to share my story with the world. It is because of ‘A’ and other bullies that I am broken, a shell of my former myself. Without my identity I am nothing, nothing but a fragment of a heartless gods imagination. There are some that depend on God to survive but I have nothing but a desperation to be remembered to keep me alive. I want to be remembered for being a pillar of strength, whose kindness and fiercely kind nature made people respect who I am. I want to be respected for my ability to transcend boundaries, that your past has no determining effect on your future. ‘A’ despised me from the very start but held me close because I was the only person that cared to give her the attention that she so craved.

‘A’ was attention seeking, a flirtatious smile here and there and people fell for it. With beauty comes attraction and many refused to look past her winning smile into the black heart that I was to discover she possessed. What kind of friend would belittle and berate the one friend she had to feel completely and truly alone. There is a reason that she is alone and it is only now that the cogs have clicked into place. The saying goes ‘ You have made your bed now lie in it’ and until now I was reluctant to admit that it was credible. I felt sorry at first that she was alone but now I know that is the life that she craved. I was in hospital having an operation and not once did she see if I was ok because the truth was she was selfish and cared about noone but her next conquest that she could dig her heels in. I sound bitter because I am she ruined friendships but worst of all she ruined me. I have accepted what she has done but even now I feel betrayed because she is not the first person to have done this to me. When I challenged ‘A’ about her lack of feeling she procceeded to tell me that she ‘didn’t want to know’ and frankly she ‘couldn’t care less’ that I had been severely ill because as far as she was concerned she had no other use for me.

I am so sick and tired of being labelled as ‘weak’ because I am not and I don’t understand why people take advantage of me. In the beginning in secondary school it was because I was too afraid to stand up for myself but now I just don’t know any more. Im so weary of the same bull***t over and over again and each time a little part of me is lost in translation. I have many flaws but using others for my own personal gratification is not one of them. ‘A’ decided she could no longer be friends with me because I challenged her attitude and treatment of friends. She decided that making up rumours would be the best way to get even, all because she was jealous of me having friends. I couldn’t take it any more, she was toxic and I thank my lucky stars that we are friends no longer. In my eyes someone who can sit there and call you ugly, fragile, egocentric, twofaced, insecure and make rubbish about you is no real friend of me.

 

Even now a few months down the line seeing her last text message still brings back painful memories. A said:

‘I’m out of your league in all aspects and I’m not ashamed to say it. I don’t need a child in my life who’s gonna hold me back. I have interviews lined up, for real big pay jobs. Your thought process… “A girl pretty on the inside who is true to herself and others, is real and who can dress? Let me have a piece of that” Only, you’re still not and never will be a fraction on me. I’m just on another wavelength and higher level to you tbh. It’s always been like that. Maybe you want to think about how your attitude and life outlook got you into the situation you’re in. I’m going to soar now. I know where I stand. Bye.’

Let me tell you something, please don’t entrust yourself in a friend like ‘A’ because she will take what little confidence that you have and throw it to the wolves. She will make you paranoid that others are making the same judgement about you, that what ‘A’ sees in you- a pathetic, fragile unattractive woman who is beneath even the ants underfoot- will be a reality. I know that she is wrong and I am so tired of being scapegoated, even when I was getting bullied and abused people determined that it was my fault. I was left at two by my mother and by six abused by stepmother until my release into care at ten. Even as I write this the tears of the past threaten to overcome me but that is where they must remain in the past. I know that I did not deserve to be abused or bullied but a small part of me will always question why it happened to me. Am I really that unloveable, all I wanted was to feel the warmth of love upon my cheeks but it is a fantasy that I must hold onto.

I am trying so hard not to cry when I write this but it must be said. Please, please if you are being abused or bullied tell someone about it, don’t bottle it up like me until everything threatens to explode. I am like a time bomb waiting to explode and it is only a matter of time before it happens. Growing up I never had counselling despite the emotional and physical abuse that I faced throughout my life. I have been made fun of for so long that I don’t know who I can trust anymore. On the outside I appear to be happy but I am never completely satisified. There will always be a missing link and I don’t know how to fix it.

 

 

As I wipe away my tears I take comfort in the fact that my friends will be here for me, that no matter what people say about me they will always be my family. I never had a conventional family when I was growing up and it is my friends that help me be strong. I want you to appreciate your family and give them a cuddle, wipe away their tears and tell them that it is okay when they are feeling down.

 

 

Have you been bullied or abused? If so I want to hear from you. Let us stop abuse now!

Much Love Springbots xox

Photography: Jumanna Khanom

Sunglasses: Market

Hat: Asos

Vest: Forever 21

Skirt: Miss Selfridge

Shoes: Ego Official

Bag: Primark