Having been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD two years ago, I have heard the most laughable reactions to my mental health issues, that have either tried to ‘trivialize and downplay’ my mental health struggles or make me seem like I was just ‘acting depressed’ to get attention. But here’s the ‘real T’; because people’s reactions to me getting upset over the years or feeling numb was to ‘tell me to get over it’ or to ‘stop being a drama queen’, it wasn’t until I was 22 that I even had the strength or ‘desire’ to seek help for the mental health struggles and crack the code as to why-as others put it- I was so God Damn emotional all the time. So not only did friends and families negative reaction towards me struggling with depression, ‘downplay’ the severity of what I was really going through, but also made me feel ashamed to even ‘contemplate’ asking for help, as in my opinion I was just being dramatic and there was nothing wrong with me. Yet what I (and others) did not take into account was the issues I had dealing with as a young child: aged 2 and a half I was abandoned by my biological mother, aged 6 I was abused by my stepmother and aged 10 I was taken into care. Not only was I dealing with ‘abandonment issues’ for most of my life, but I was also physically beaten and emotionally manipulated, affecting my self-confidence and self-esteem. Oh and of course the cherry on top was being bullied throughout much of my teen and young adult years, making me feel like I was -and would never be- good enough.
Someone Once Said To Me: But You’re So Well Dressed, You Can’t Possibly Be Sad. Clearly They Haven’t Seen Me When I Am At Home. Dressing Up Takes Effort And I Don’t Always Have The Energy.
I would feel the sweet release as I whispered poisonous thoughts into my reflection in the mirror, relishing the criticisms that I would throw my way. Some days the demons would feed off what the bullies had said about me , that I looked like a boy, that I was ugly, that no one could ever love me, while other times, like blood sucking leeches they would slurp their way through a history lesson. They would dictate the tale of parents who had abandoned me, of parental figures who thought nothing of abusing their own step-child, of supposed friends who would make comments about my appearance and intellect as though it was perfectly funny to call me ugly and stupid. But whose laughing now? I didn’t know it at the time but throughout much of my childhood and teen years, I was struggling with depression. I knew that I was the ‘anxious type’ as people would call me and in fact the regular panic attacks were a testament to that very fact. But what I didn’t know is that someone who to others ‘appears to be the happiest person’ can often be the person who is the most unhappy. There were times where I was on a cocktail of emotions, I would call it my Rolodex of Life, one minute I was up and the next minute I was down. People would tell me to ‘snap out of it’ and stop ‘calling out for attention’ whenever I tried to honestly express my feelings, so for years I would dismiss and ignore my emotions, and trivialize them like others had done in the past.
But thinking about ‘killing yourself’ and dreaming of a world without you in it, where the pain has been removed and you are cold in the ground, is a scary reality to face. Not many people know this, but there have been many moments in my life, where I have thought about pulling the plug, where I have wondered whether people would care if I disappeared tomorrow, what life would be like, when I would be at peace. When I tried to share these suicidal thoughts with others, I was merely scoffed at, as though my need to ‘take away’ the pain was ‘merely a cry for help’. And yes, ok, maybe some of my actions might have been a cry for help, and maybe if I had been diagnosed sooner, I wouldn’t have had to suffer in silence for so long. But, and its a big but, when you are diagnosed, whether it has been four years or 1, diagnosis doesn’t magically make you better, nor does it mean that you wont be struggling with depression for much of your lifetime. It just means that A. you are getting the help that you need and anyone ‘calling you crazy’ needs to think about their choice of words, B. for the first time someone is listening to you and is ready to hear what you have to say and C. there will be ongoing support, because struggling with depression is not a one time thing but a battle that many of us will continue to face throughout time.
From comments from well meaning friends who try and compare your struggles with depression to their very distant relative, to dodgy platitudes, here are 8 Things You Shouldn’t Say To Someone Struggling With Depression.
You’ll Be Fine Stop Worrying. Everyone Goes Through Tough S**t Sometimes.
Don’t Call Those Who Are Struggling With Depression Drama Queens Or Attention Seekers. We Are Not Robots, We Do Have Feelings You Know.
Yes granted everyone does go through tough s**t sometimes but telling someone to ‘stop worrying’ or that ‘they will be fine’ will only make someone who is struggling with depression feel worse. When you are at your darkest moment, someone telling you to stop worrying, is likely to make you feel more anxious because now you have to think about the effects of your mental health on others, which can have a tumble sequence of consequences. Because you are worried that by sharing your mental health struggles with others, you are a source of ‘negative or toxic energy’ this will mean that you will be A. less likely to share why or when you are upset and B.think that you are just being dramatic and are worrying for no reason.
Let me tell you something, ok sure we are humans, thus the human condition is riddled with endless tradgedies after tragedies because life is a game of chess and at some point we are all losers. But just because your Nana Deidre got ‘over her’ depression does not mean that it is ok for you to ‘downplay’ another person’s backstory, who is struggling with depression. Of course telling someone that ‘they are going to be ok’ is not seen as a negative statement by any means, as you only want what’s best for them. But if you tell someone to stop worrying, if my own experiences are to go by, it’s only going to make their mental health issues worse.
What Should You Say Instead?
So what should you say? Replace ‘You’ll Be Fine Stop Worrying’ or ‘You Will Be OK’ to ‘I empathize with you wholly and I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am here to listen to you and you can also count on me to be there for you’. Often when someone has depression like myself, we often feel like we are not being listened to. I have had people interrupt me, try and ‘change my backstory’ or even put words into my mouth. Please don’t tell me how I feel. Just shut up and listen. When you take the time out to ‘listen to someone’s story’ until the end, the person struggling with depression will appreciate that you have listened to them. Especially when we are so used to being told what to do.
It’s All In Your Head. Get Over Yourself And Stop Being A Drama Queen
Be Kind And Gentle To Those Who Are Struggling With Depression. Just Because You Can’t See It Does Not Mean That We Don’t ‘Have It’.
This is one of the worst things that you could say to someone who is struggling with depression; yes depression is a ‘mental heath’ issue, but it does not mean that you are a ‘drama queen’ nor is it all in your head. Having depression is not just consigned to negative or low thoughts about oneself, but it can also lead to physical side effects like nausea, cramps, headaches and more, so please don’t dismiss someone’s mental health struggles. I was often called a ‘Drama Queen’ or a ‘Cry Baby’ because I would cry a lot, but part of the reason I was crying was out of frustration because A. my story was constantly being de-validated, which made me ashamed to seek help and B. There were times when I didn’t know why the f**k I was crying, which only after some serious counselling and cognitive behavioral therapy I realized was due to some pretty ‘heavy shit’. After all you can’t tell me to get over myself and stop being a drama queen when A. I was abused by someone who was meant to be my ‘mother figure’ B. I was bullied by people who were meant to be my friends and C. Was Abandoned By My Mother. I mean that’s some pretty heavy shit to deal with at such a young age and even today I will admit that while I am constantly taking steps to deal with me struggling with depression, there will always be periods in my life where the dark clouds will follow me and I will find it a struggle to overcome. And that’s not to mention other issues I have had to deal with too, but that’s a story for another time.
So What Should You Say Instead?
So let me tell you this, it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to want to scream and shout and it’s ok to have the desire to speak about your mental health. If someone you know is struggling with their mental health, don’t de-validate their story, don’t call them names and don’t assume you know what they are going through. Instead of telling someone how they feel and how they are appearing to others – hello just because I need to talk about having abandonment issues does not make me a spoiled brat!-consider a kinder approach. ‘It is so brave of you to share your struggles with your mental health with me and while I might not understand exactly what you are going through, I am here for you every step of the way. You have a friend in me’. You see what you are doing here is great: you are not claiming to know their story, you are not coaching them on what they should and shouldn’t do. Instead you are offering a helping hand, and just a kind word can be enough to have us reaching for help.
Why Are You Complaining, There Are People With Real Problems
Don’t Compare One Person’s Mental Health Condition To Another Person’s Life Story. We Don’t Need A Guilt Trip.
Jeesh that was a little hardcore. I mean yes, I appreciate that I could be worse. However, don’t presume to know me, or my story. You don’t know what I have been through, and what I have had to in order to survive. You should never compare my story to someone elses’s. I mean don’t you think I feel guilty already for -as how you put it- burdening you with my health issues? Did you ever stop to wonder why it is that I trust so few people with how hard struggling with depression can be? OK sure I am pretty open and honest about my mental health online, but it’s not like I actively go out of my way to tell my friends or family that I’m feeling s**tty for this exact reason. I feel baffled that you will tell me to first and foremost not compare myself to others but then in another statement tell me to think of those who ‘have it worse than me’. Yes ok, I feel grateful that I have a roof over my head, but there are many struggles that I go through, that you know nothing about, so please do not compare me to others it’s not cool. By reminding someone who is struggling with depression to be ‘thankful for what they do have’ you can A. make them feel guilty for confiding in you as they feel like you don’t understand their struggles and B. while it is important to find the positives in each day- and I do try and have an optimistic attitude- at the same time it really is imperative that you are honest about how you feel. Hiding your true feelings can have negative consequences in the long run.
So What Should You Say?
Instead of telling someone to be ‘grateful and comparing them to others you should consider the following ‘While life is full of ups and downs I can empathize with your struggles to remain positive and I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. Why don’t we have a girly day together and do all the things that you love? I would love to spend some time with you’. Often I find it hard to open up to others about my mental health issues because I am worried they will no longer want to spend time with me, so by reassuring someone who has gone out of their way that you understand their struggles and want to spend time together, will allow them to A. feel closer to you, B. feel like that they are not on their own and C. know that even at their lowest point, they can come to you for help.
Stop Complaining And Do Something About It. Then You Will Be Better
Take The Time To Listen To Those Who Are Trying To Tell You Their Story. Welcome Their Words With An Open And Loving Heart.
So it’s ok for you to ‘complain’ about your relationship issues, but me trying to have an open and honest discourse around mental health is out of the picture? OK Felicia, BYE GIRL BYE. Now hear me out, I am all to happy to listen to your problems because as a friend I will always be here for you and even if you decide to get back with that fuckboy after everything he did, I will stand by you and your decision because you have freedom of choice and that is yours to make. But for you to turn around and tell me that I am just ‘complaining’ is like a kick in the teeth. If I take the time out of my day to make sure that you are ok and listen to your story with an open and non-judgmental heart then by Jeeves, do the bloody same. Also, FYI, telling someone to ‘do something about it’ is all very well and good but be careful of your tone as it is coming across as quite patronizing and condescending. Even when they have ‘done something about it’ it does not mean that they ‘will be better’, as for many like myself depression is an ongoing struggle.
So What Can You Say Instead?
‘ I am so glad that you were open and honest about what you have been going through, that really means a lot that you have shared your story with me. I can imagine that having depression is not easy to deal with, but if you want someone to come with you when you are at the doctors or just need someone to chill with, I’m your pal’. Not only are you acknowledging and showing awareness of their depression but you have also put a feeler out as someone who will hold their hand if need be. Or sometimes I don’t want to think about what I am going through so just talking about s**t for ages is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Why Do You Need Medication? Stop Being An Attention Seeker
Get Yourself A Pair Of Cool Motherf**king Shades To Shield Your Eyes From Those Trash Talkers. Haters Gonna Hate.
I don’t call you an attention seeker for telling me about you having the flu, so why would you downplay me having a mental illness, all because you don’t understand what I am going through? For the record there is nothing attention seeking about needing to take medication for depression and while there are periods in my life where I haven’t used medication, sometimes without the pills its very likely that I am going to do something severe to harm myself so in these cases, yes I do need medication. And remember some weeks are better than others: there have been very bad weeks where I have not taken medication because my mental illness likes to convince me that I am better off without them, there are periods where I don’t need to take medication and I feel great and there are other times where I do take medication because I know I need to. So don’t call me an attention seeker for me wanting to prevent myself from harming, because let me tell you from personal experience that can have messy consequences. And yes not everyone needs medication, but some people do and that’s ok. If the doctor advises that you do something that will reduce you struggling with depression then by all means go for it. But never be the person to put someone down who is clearly trying to get better.
So What Can You Say Instead?
Do your research first and foremost. No two cases are the same and while you might think that your ‘brash, straight talking attitude’ is going to propel them into action, it can have the opposite effect. Granted being addicted to medication, especially for something like a mental health illness, doesn’t always have the best consequences but as long as you are following what your doctor or psychologist has recommended you to take that is what matters. For me I am not on medication as frequently as I was before but having a combination of a supportive friends , medication and therapy has helped me come to terms with my mental health issues. You should consider the following ‘I appreciate your honesty about needing to take medication for your depression and if that is what the doctor has said is best for you , then I stand by their decision. In the meantime, you can talk to me , I hope you know that’. Not only are you reassuring them that you won’t be flaking on them, but you are also showing that you recognize that depression is a clinical illness and like other illnesses does sometimes need to be controlled by medication.
So Does That Mean That You Are Crazy Then? What’s Wrong With You?
You Can Call Me Crazy Weird But Don’t Call Me Crazy Crazy. Having Mental Health Issues Is No Laughing Matter.
When you call someone ‘crazy’ you are not only stereotyping them but you are also trivializing their mental health. Whether you have depression or are bipolar, no mental health illness means that you are crazy. Of course I laugh and joke with my friends that I am crazy ‘in a weird and a fun way’ as opposed to my mental health condition, but when someone goes out of their way to question your sanity and then proceeds to ask ‘well what’s wrong with you then’ it’s demeaning in my eyes. You wouldn’t be so judgmental about someone who has just told you they have Cancer, nor would you ask them ‘why they have cancer’ either. Mental health continues to be such a taboo even today and it frustrates me that people still continue to label us under such derogatory and frankly archaic stereotypes. In reality many mental health issues does not stem from a question of sanity but more from unresolved issues from the past, whether that be abandonment, abuse or anything else. You going out of your way to tell someone who is struggling with depression that they are crazy is not only nasty, but can bring up feelings of ‘inadequacy’ and make them feel like they are as ‘crazy’ as you have made them out to be.
So What Should You Say?
‘Mental Health Issues is no laughing matter and I am proud of you for going outside of your comfort zone and letting me know exactly how you feel. I know it wouldn’t have been easy for you to be so honest and candid about your depression and if there is anything I can do to help please let me know.’ Sometimes all we need is encouragement from our loved ones to not only seek help but also know that in our loved ones eyes what we are going through is not a cry for attention, nor is it because we are crazy. Instead their affirmation will let us know that they know we are speaking about mental health, to raise awareness and educate loved ones on our struggles.
Oh My Uncle Had Depression… But Now He’s Fine
Be Respectful. Listen To What We Have To Say And Don’t Try And Re-write Our Mental Narratives.
Yes and my uncle also had depression, but that does not mean my struggle with depression is the same as someone else’s, so please don’t be pompous by re-writing my mental health narrative. When you compare someone’s mental health condition to someone else you know, its a backhanded de-validation of the time that the person had spent sharing their struggles with you. Now while your comment might not have had malicious intent and was a misguided attempt to help me feel better, comparing me to others is the worst thing that you can do. You can share your story and we can identify with each other struggles, but using the term ‘oh now they are fine’ does not mean I am going to suddenly feel a million times better. Lets put it this way, would you like it that after you told someone you needed a ‘heart transplant’ that they then regaled a story about a long last relative who they have not seen in 24 years was told they needed a transplant and now they are fine, do you really think that is going to make them feel better? Exactly, no two people’s mental health struggles are the same. Learn to empathize but don’t compare, it’s not cute.
So What Should You Say Instead?
You can still talk about someone you know who has struggled with depression, just make sure that you are careful with your wording. For example ‘I am so touched by your mental health story because it resonates with me so deeply. My Uncle had depression too and while I know that no two mental health struggles are the same, just know that this makes me even more determined to be here for you every step of the way’. You see, instead of telling someone that your uncle had depression and pulled through, with the implication that ‘we will be fine’ you have shown that you have understood through a personal anecdote but also shown that you realize that no two mental health issues are the same.
Go Out And Have Fun. You Will Be Right As Rain In No Time
Sometimes You Just Have To Laugh At The Absurdity Of Peoples Comments. I Know You Mean Well But Please Don’t Patronize Me.
Let’s Get One Thing Straight, ‘going out’ when all you want to do is sleep or cry can often be a recipe for disaster. I have lost count of the amount of times where I have forced myself to go out because I thought it would make me feel better and what would actually happen is I would spend most of the night crying because there were unresolved issues that I was ignoring and would just push to the side. I remember going to a friends party a while back in my university years which I was nervous about going to as I didn’t know anyone else that was going. Let me tell you it was one of the most awkward experiences I have had to date, because not only was my mental health bad that week but it also shattered my self-esteem. A. everyone had their own little cliques and I was the odd one out and B. I spent the whole evening having to play at being on my phone because noone was speaking to me. And I really did try and make an effort, trying to push down the inward cringing I was feeling and facing my fears. But believe me, when the depression hits and you are feeling low, coupled with feelings of social anxiety and wanting to fit in, you can often feel like you are even more lethargic and down than you were in the first place.
The problem is during university, I would sometimes drink to numb the pain. I didn’t necessarily have a ‘drinking problem’ far from it, but I knew my desire to drink when others were drinking stemmed from a need to not only ‘appear less socially awkward’ but also because I was trying to avoid very real and frightening issues that were affecting me. But now I know my limits and quite frankly the idea of me ‘passed out’ or vomiting the entirety of the night out is not my idea of fun and ultimately will make me feel worse. Instead I would much rather go for dinner with someone than clubbing, but at the same time you cannot tell someone what to do when they are struggling with depression, as even by your well meaning command of telling them ‘to go out and let their hair down’ in my case, it can often leave me feeling depressed for days, as I question why I can’t be like everyone else and enjoy all the parties that they so seem to love. My idea of a good time is simple but I know what I like and you should take that into consideration if you know someone is struggling with depression too.
What Can You Say Instead?
‘ How About We Do Something That You Want To Do Tonight. It can be something as simple as a movie night in or we could go out for dinner, just let me know what you fancy doing. ‘ You see, you are not putting pressure on them to go out but the invitation is there if need be. At the same time if they have anxiety about money, proposing the idea of a movie night in is both free and no pressure, so that is an option for them to mull over as well.
Oh But You Don’t Look Depressed…You’re Making A Song And Dance Out Of Nothing
Just Because I Am Smiling Does Not Always Mean That I Am Happy. Yes I Like To Be Positive But I Also Like To Keep It Real.
People don’t tend to understand what they can’t see so they are more likely to empathize with someone who ‘clearly looks ill’ rather than someone who in their eyes looks like the epitome of health. But often the most deadliest of illnesses are the ones you can’t see and you should never discredit someone’s health just because you saw them smiling and laughing that one time. People often say to me ‘Oh but you are always smiling, you can’t possibly be depressed’. First of all what you don’t see is me ‘quite literally hiding away from loved ones for weeks, sometimes months at a time because I see myself as bad company when I am at my lowest.Secondly don’t tell me what I am and what I am not, when there are weeks when all I do is cry. I won’t go into much detail, but this week was one of the hardest to deal with my mental health for a number of reasons that I am not quite ready to talk about. But I will say this, don’t be offended if I take a while to respond to you, don’t think that the ‘glittering sparkly self’ that you see is indicative of who I am at every moment and above all don’t tell me that I am making a song and dance out of nothing because you don’t know my story. It’s very discouraging that people are so quick to call those who raise awareness of their mental health ‘attention seekers’ because do you really think that we are choosing to feel angry, frustrated, upset, numb or all of the above? No of course not, so be quiet and keep your judgmental opinions to yourself. If you don’t have nothing nice to say, then don’t say it at all.
So What Should You Say?
‘You have been going through such a rough time and I applaud that you have been upfront and honest with me about your struggles. Even though I know and can appreciate that you sometimes need some time out to process your feelings, just know that I will still be here for you, whether you want to talk now or in a years time. Never feel like you have to hide your true feelings from me.’ Here you have shown that while you do understand that we sometimes feel the need to do a ‘disappearing act’ on loved ones, it is not because we are ignoring you necessarily but because we are feeling overwhelmed and don’t want to go through the motions of explaining ourselves to people who might not understand our mental health condition. At the same time, knowing that loved ones do understand and don’t take it personally is a plus, and it’s even better if they offer support as it shows you who your true friends really are…
Have You Been Struggling With Depression Or Anxiety?
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*Disclaimer
Please note, I am not a healthcare professional, nor do I claim to be. These are my own opinions, and based on my personal experiences. If you need help please contact your doctor, or a healthcare professional. Never be ashamed to ask for help. You deserve to be happy, and to be listened to.
I can totally relate with you, Ana. Although I have not been diagnosed with clinical depression, I know I am. There are days when I fake a smile, I crack jokes, but deep inside I am just one broken soul. It is so uplifting to have someone tell you (us) that they are there to listen, to empathize and to walk with us through this journey.
Such a good post and very much needed for a lot of people. I think depression is still a thing a lot of people don’t know how to deal with it so it’s good having advice like this to hand.
Ugh this is such an amazing post. I’ve been struggling recently with feelings of not being good enough. I’m on a bit of a downward spiral, my friends keep telling me to “just think of the positives” – it’s not always that easy. I know I have lots of positives in my life but the fact that I concentrate on the negatives is a result of my teenage years. Thank you so much for sharing your story and giving advice on how to talk things through/listen to others.
Very well said Ana. This is a very sensitive topic and there are a lot of great suggestions on what we can say to someone who has depression.
Wow! This is such an insightful post. Given how many people suffer from low mood and depression it is always important to be careful with how you phrase things. Thanks for sharing such a deep post!
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. As someone that also struggles with depression, and the daughter of a clincally depressed mother, this all rings SO true. Dismissing it as “not a big deal” is so unkind and terribly hurtful. I’ve been called a drama queen before too. It’s all too much. Thank you!
Depression is not something to be taken lightly or made fun of but should be handled in appropriate ways as you have stated above. Mental health is really important for out well being and being able to cope with what we go through and handle it correctly is what’s best.
These would be such mean things to say someone struggling with depression. I’m sorry if anyone has ever said them to you. Everyone should be compassionate! I always tell my friends that I’m here if they need me.
Such a great post I think sometimes people can be really inconsiderate or perhaps even clueless and end up saying the most shocking of things!
Depression is one of those things that until a person truly experiences it, they have no idea what it feels like. I’ve suffered from depression off and on a few times in my life, and those times I had people tell me a lot that everything will be fine. I think that’s a lot of peoples reactions because everything will eventually be ok, and they just have no other words to say, because they don’t know what it’s like inside our heads. I wished that more people would just use some empathy and say I’m here to talk if you’d like, or I’m praying for you. Something other than telling us it’s ok.
I have worked in the mental health field for almost 4years now. People can be so insensitive when it comes to depression. They don’t realize that a little fresh air isn’t always the answer.
Depression is such an serious issue that needs to be discussed more often. I believe that mental health is such a stigma especially in lower privilege communities. These are great tips on how to talk to someone struggling with depression.
Thank you for your transparency and honesty! I am a mental health professional and I have someone very close to me who I have walked through depression battles with for over a decade. Your perspective is so important to share and help others see how they can best support the ones they love.
I love that you have taken the time to write this in such detail with such clarity. Hearing “You’ll be okay” or “I know how you feel” frustrated me no end – but I also understand that as we aren’t all comfortable speaking about mental health, sometimes people really have no idea and put their foot in it.
As of people started to speak publicly about mental illness, somehow it is preasumed as “Attention Seeking” behavior. Some of us cant speak previously just because mental illness is considered as shameful thing. Although some are still not convienced that mental illness is a stage where we all relate. The degree of effect is different as per personal experiences. Such a great post and ofcouse you look lovely.
I really appreciate your honesty in this. I think where you speak about how one person’s struggle with depression isn’t the same and someone else’s is so important because it can be so tempting for people to draw upon something they’re heard second hand because they haven’t experienced it themselves. I totally get why they do it, but I just feel like they forget that it’s often not helpful at all. The best thing people can do is listen.
When you expect others to give you empathy you will set yourself up to be let down. The only people you should turn towards are professional people in mental health or a priest or therapist. When people don’t understand something, they fear it.
My Mother’s entire career was in psychiatry as a nurse. I was introduced to mental health early on. And I suffered a bout of depression when I was 10yrs old and was taken without warning from my England.
My mother did not explain to me that I wasn’t coming back to England and it triggered a change in my mental health.
It has taken me a long time to piece together my life and release the scars of similar bullying experiences I incurred. So I commend you for being so young and learning to manage your ailment so well.
Wow, what an incredible post . Thank you so much for taking the time to put this together in a way that people who do not understand, can ” get it “. I really think you sharing your experiences will help others!
This is such a brave and honest post and I know there will be who will benefit from reading it. Well done in trying to get help, that is a huge step, but it is not a problem to be dismissed or brushed under carpet and I am afraid it highlights a lack of understanding mixed with fear from other people
People tend not to understand depression or how to speak to those depressed. It’s sad that people don’t take the time to understand or even help in a needed way. Hopefully people will begin to understand depression more which will allow those needing a helping friend or voice to be just that. Helpful
This is such an important post. There are several people in my life who are clinically depressed and I have definitely been the idiot to say some of these things out of pure ignorance. I’m hoping this post helps spreads awareness and information.
Yes to all of these! I have battled depression for 22 years now and in that time I have heard the most insensitive and offensive comments. The worst one for me is, cheer up! I lost count of the number of times I heard that. The ignorance surrounding mental illness will always astound me. Love to you as always.
That is so true. Sometimes people can be so dismissive of others feelings and journey and all that is needed is an ear or just the presence of sincerity. Great Great post.
It’s truly so hard to know what to say to someone in these situations, but you are right about things definitely NOT to say. We need to proceed with caution and sensitivity, and I think your ideas are on point. Especially about not saying it’s all in someone’s head – very hurtful!
I can relate. I have some close family members who are struggling with depression and sometimes, I do wonder if I have it too. What really irks me is when people don’t think that it’s a serious matter unless the person is hurting themselves physically. Not all people suffering from depression are self-harmers, but it doesn’t mean they they shouldn’t be taken seriously just because they don’t harm themselves. Sigh. In an ideal world, this won’t even be an issue anymore. x
I can relate, I’ve gone through depression last November when I saw my husband having an affair.. My mind can’t function, I lost focus,and my weight dropped..Thanks God after 3 months I’m back, I had overcome my depression..
Gosh this is a wonderful resource. I think before people have experienced really life changing difficulties, it’s hard for them to know what to say to someone dealing with something this big. It’s only once they have, that they can truly empathise, and know that the right thing to say to anyone they don’t understand is ‘please tell me about it.’ I’m not where you are, but I have (and am still) dealt with a life changing problem, and I know that people try to say whatever they think will pull me away from it, when what it really need is for them to come to where I am and ask more about that. This is such a brave post – well done, and I hope it guides a few people to ask the right questions.
I HATE the but you don’t look mentally ill line.. What does mentally ill look like? I didn’t know it had a face? It sends me into rage sometimes I have to admit.
Great post here. I love the message behind it. Mental health is not understood by many. Good you are raising awareness.
This is a wonderful and powerful resource on depression and your blog is even more amazing! I am so subscribing! cant wait to stay connected with you!
Saying to someone under depression that you are not alone and helping them divert into something with which they can be happy is such a good deed, instead of showing any sympathy. I can so very well understand the mental condition of people under depression and it really means a ton to motivate them to heal rather than just sympathising.
I’m so sorry you went through all those traumatic incidents at such a young age. This post was incredibly helpful for me as I have both friends and family members who struggle with anxiety and depression. I wish you well for your future!
Thank you so much for this post. I think this can definitely be a resource for those who don’t really know how to approach the topic. It can be a really touchy subject but you break it down to basics. The more someone knows, the more we have the important conversations we need to and continue to break down barriers.
Best,
Idora
This is a great post. I really hope more and more people will be aware of this important issue. True that this is not a joke and most of the time people say something that makes it more worst. BTW lovin the shoes, the cardigan, and the lipstick! Stay Brave!
Thank you Ana, for this post. I feel like so much has changed in the world but how we deal with depression and mental health issues stay the same. People are still insensitive to those who suffer from it. I suffer from depression and anxiety and there really are days when I would rather stay in my bed and not get up. Words mean so much and you really have to be careful with what you say.
Depression is still very much a taboo subject. I can’t believe someone made you feel ashamed to ask for help. That’s just lack of understanding and hopefully you’ve helped a lot of people understand more in this post x
I can’t believe that some people would say these things to people x
I can so relate to this post, I have suffered for years and now well until control but still have the odd bump. I find older members in my family struggle to get their heads around it as in their day you just got on with life and didn’t say anything which is sad
Very well put Ana. We should really be mindful of what comes our of our mouths especially with people who are vulnerable because of depression or any other psychological issues. Telling some insensitive words in the name of comforting can cause further consequences. Very insightful read!
I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through throughout your life. You shouldn’t feel ashamed. It’s so true to not judge people from the outside, you have no idea what they’re going through and judging their mental health by how well put together they are is so wrong. I’ve experienced this first hand. I can’t believe the things that people will say, “it’s all in your head”, “you’re crazy”, “you’re an attention seeker”.
I don’t suffer with depression but suffer with really low self-esteem which is fueled by friends and family asking why my skin is so bad, why I’ve put on weight, why do I look knackered all the time, have I seen a doctor etc etc, I just don’t understand why people would say things like that to someone when they’re obviously feeling low.
This post is so inspiring lovely.
Ami xxx
Very well put Ana. We should really be mindful of what comes our of our mouths especially with people who are vulnerable because of depression or any other psychological issues. Telling some insensitive words in the name of comforting can cause further consequences. I didn’t like it when I was ever told to stop acting like a spoilt teenager yet I was just not in the right moods.Very insightful read!
I think it’s so hard for anyone that hasn’t had depression to understand just how hard it is to cope when everything is so negative. I had PND after my son but I never realised that was what was wrong with me.. I just thought the horrific images I was conjuring up in my head were normal (??!!). I was driving along the other day and just laughed to myself about the fact that anything during that time would lead me to such dark thoughts. I was too afraid to open up back then but can see now that I really did need the help. And so for anyone dealing with depression this is a great resource for how family and friends can help.
I really hate the stigma behind mental health. Seeking help is one of the best things you can do and no one should ever be shamed for it. In general in life, I hate it when people think they know what you’re going through and can give you advice. People need to instead just say, like you said, “I empathize and I’m here to listen.” Also telling someone to “calm down” or “cheer up” does the exact opposite. I was laughing with an American friend over here about how she learned that “tranquila” in Spanish has that very same effect. It did quite the opposite for her when she was feeling overwhelmed in a social situation.
I have fried who has depression. It is really difficult for her to feel that way. I really can’t imagine how she feels every single time. Glas that there are people that giving awareness to this kind of situation.
The post is so important and personal. You are very brave talking about your mental illness. Thank you for giving an inside, I really sometimes feel frustrated of how to help and what I should avoid.
P.S. your outfit is fab – shades of red are gorgeous here!
I have struggled with depression for years. In fact, it runs in our family. You are right on with your suggestions! Thank you for sharing your story, no doubt it will help so many others going through similar situations!
Thank you for being so raw and honest, and I’m so sorry to read what you have been through. However, it is great that you are sharing your story/experiences and bringing awareness to mental health. I really hate the stigma around mental health and how people can just down play it. Also, thanks for sharing what people can say/act instead the advice is great. x
You’re an inspiration. Speaking about this so openly and honestly is extremely brave. I’m so sorry you ever had to feel that way and can relate a lot. You’re such a strong woman and have proved that throughout many of your post. Hugs and kisses beautiful lady
I am so sorry to learn that you have gone through so much in your childhood days. But I am honestly, so glad that you put up this post for everyone and detailed out the situations with proper “What to say” and “What not to say”. I hope everyone will read this post and take this into account whenever they talk with someone who feels the same way you once did !!
I appreciate you being so honest about all the things that people say off-handedly that can be more harmful to those who suffer from depression. It’s definitely an important conversation that requires everyone to be honest with each other. It definitely takes courage to speak about something so important and personal to you, so thank you for sharing.
First of all, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your honest feelings! That totally takes guts and bravery. A person’s mental health should never be disregarded or down-played, especially feels of suicide.
You are loved even if and when you don’t feel loved. Know that you are!
Also, this post is a wonderful resource to help those who aren’t struggling with mental illness, know what and how to say their feelings to those who are. Great post!
I love how you are always candid with your life. You are so stylish and cute but you always speak the truth of your life beyond the fashion so I appreciate this!
I’m in my mid 30’s now and it’s only recently that I’ve started taking my mental health seriously, even after a traumatic event a couple of years ago.
Your honesty is refreshing. In a time when a lot of people are speaking about their mental health they are only speaking in broad terms.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for being honest – I often hear people say some of these things and wonder why on earth they think they are okay to say it
It can be really tough to know what to say to anyone struggling with mental health problems sometimes, so you provided some really helpful alternatives. It’s really brave of you to speak out about these things.
I am sorry you’ve been through so much during your childhood. I am sorry people’s reaction can be so selfish and cruel sometimes. This post is also making me understand that sometimes I might have been dismissive of people stories or condition. If I ever am with you (or maybe I already was), please do not hesitate to kick my ass for that. I am not familiar with the issue which is why I don’t know how to react but reading your post made me understand better. I am always there if you want to talk. love love love. xx corinne
This is such a beautiful post where you have poured your heart and soul into it. Depression is such a sensitive topic and a lot of people struggle with what to say to someone who is suffering. So your post is going to be helpful to many out there.
One thing I learnt early on is never to trivialize people’s feelings and thoughts and your post has penned it perfectly. I want to make a conscious effort to make sure I don’t offend but comfort.
I really appreciate that you wrote this post sharing the points that no one wants to share.I don’t know I have undergone depression or not as it describes ‘theoretically’ because I am not diagnosed with such.But,I have undergone difficult times in my life.Those were really stressful periods.I wanted someone to listen me even though my story /struggle was silly or stupid.So,I know it is important to listen anyone who is with some pressure,problem or stress.
I have had friends who have suffered from depression. I myself have too and I have had to learn to not label people. You don’t know what they’re going through.
This really resonates with me <3 I have Panic Disorder and some days I'm great and others I can't leave my house. It really sucks and it's really hard for people to understand. 🙁 I wish people would just be more empathetic to each other <3
When I saw the title I was really hoping I hadn’t fallen into the category of callously saying something ignorant because I just didn’t know. I’m happy to say I haven’t said anything on the list and have been great at considering my words before commenting on mental illness in any capacity. Thanks for shedding light on this!
Its high time we take the mental health issues of friends and family seriously. It has to be treated as equal to any other physical health problems. How can someone call a person with a problem a drama queens or attention seekers, it’s really sad to know what the world has come to. Thanks for creating awareness through this post.
It can be really hard for me to talk to people with mental illness, without treating it like they are “unwell” physically rather than mentally. It because I am such a mother, I always want to help everyone. So I always ask if someone is comfortable talking about it before I try to comfort. This is such an amazing post. Thanks for sharing.
First of all I want to say great style! Congrads on that! And I’m really happy for you that you have managed to fight depression, there are always people who mock mental health issues, but as the saying goes “never laugh at someone’s past because you don’t what future has in store for you”
Such an important topic to bring awareness to. I have never experienced the challenges that you spoke of, so this definitely gives me something to think about.
I hate when people judge others, it really upsets me, especially when people do not want to take the time out to understand. However are those the type of people you would want around you? Love you loads pudding. xx
Mental heath is still so largely misunderstood and I think it is always a wonderful thing when people work through the barriers to raise more awareness. Attitudes towards mental health are changing, but sadly not quickly enough. Well done for being so brave and talking about mental health and your experiences so boldly.
Sending hugs your way. I know it couldn’t have been easy to write this. I have a friend struggling with depression and now I have a clearer picture of what she is going through.
I couldn’t understand how serious depression could be for a very long time – until one of my friends got struck by it. It took her many months and a lot of support from loved once to get out of it, and i know that not everyone has that kind of support. I hope we can all stay sensitive enough towards each other and help each other when it is needed.
Very insightful article! These are some amazing points which you have raised against depression. I’m so glad that you shared your story! More power to you girl!
It breaks my heart that people can be so insensitive. It sure is easy to criticize what we don’t know. No one would ever tell a person with a broken leg to stop being dramatic and walk on it already. Why should mental illness be any different?
Excellent post Ana, I think a lot of people freak out when this information is shared with them and don’t know how to handle it or what to say. This post goes a long way in helping with that. I’m sorry you weren’t supported when you needed it. I always think those that suffer in silence are the ones that we truly do need to worry about because they are the ones who are truly at risk of doing something drastic. At these those who talk about it know they aren’t alone. Such an important post to write!
You are a strong, independent and beautiful woman. Always enjoy reading your posts, because your sense of humour is on point, and your fashion taste is incredible. You always stand out.
I am so sorry that you had to go through all of these in your life, but, believe me, the pain will eventually end. I can so much relate to how you feel, my youth and childhood were horrible. I am sure that very soon you’ll be a happy person. You are very successful already, even though you feel broken inside. Imagine what will happen when you finally become happy. Wow, you will amaze us. I’ll be checking in on you, and enjoy watching the transformation.
Thank you for sharing your story with us!
You are an amazing woman Ana. One of the kindest, most tenderhearted person that I have ever known. And you have been through crap I don’t want to even imagine going through. I know I haven’t dealt with as much as you have, but when I have gone through situational depression, even taking some medication for it at times, people saying to just get out there and everything will get better doesn’t help. I remember my having my ex fiancee dump me on Valentine’s Day and kind of abandon me at the same time. When I got back home my mother kept telling me to get out there and it would be better. And she also told me to get over it. It doesn’t work that way. Thankfully my brother and uncle came along to talk her down and to come aside me and just let me know they were there. I know you are an amazing woman, and you will do great and exciting things in the world. And it’s so great you are speaking to other people who suffer this way, because I know the hardest thing you feel during that time is you are all alone. I just want to know the blessing you have been in my life, and if you ever need anything, I hope I can be a small blessing to you as well. Best wishes.
You are such a strong woman and inspiration, Anna! You are always so open about your troubles and talk about them to encourage other woman who are in a similar situation. More power to you babe!
xx, Kusum
This post is so needed. A lot of people don’t know what to do or say when they find out a friend or family member is struggling with this so it’s important to bring awareness to mental illnesses.
This is wonderfully said! Depression is not something that an be seen and unfortunately it is still a stigmatized topic. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Such a powerful and emotional post, I admire anyone who shares their personal struggle with mental health, because it’s such an important issue. I know mental health is often misanderstood or even not understood at all, and this is the reaction why it’s so important to talk about it and fight the stigma around it.
It is great that high profile people are raising awareness of mental health issues and it is getting easier to talk about. I think many of us suffer at some point or another in our lives, wether its a reaction to a specific event or not. I want you to know that you can beat it – I did. Hope you get the support you need
I totally understand you, the mental health issues in this country are often down played and ignored. I really feel for you! H 🙂
I have a friend who is recovering from anxiety depression. Many happenings in our lives that we cannot just let it pass by. Most of the time there are instances that makes us depressed. Even other people too, so it is best to learn first on how to deal with people who is suffering from depression. Indeed, its no laughing case but a serious one too.
Depression is a serious issue and needs to be addressed properly with the right medication. My girlfriend used to have depression until I met her and then we started travelling and that took her mind off things and slowly but steadily she has overcome this and now feels much better.
I truly think that it is very brave of you to talk about you mental health and I have a lot of respect to you for doing this as it’s even today still a topic that people don’t like to talk about.
Such a well put thought. Ive been on the other side of the barrel and sometimes I cannot imagine how some people just speak things to you completely oblivious to how it may be affecting you!
This is such an informative and helpful post – I think when it comes to mental health for a lot it is an unknown world, so silly things can be said. Hopefully by discussing it openly it will educate others 🙂
Very deep post and I understand you. None can tell you how you feel but some will try and unfortunately not many can truly listen.
Oh Ana this is such a beautiful and heart felt post. There is so much stigma and a lack of understanding and it is so important for people to talk about it (if they feel they can… not everyone can) and importantly to show people how they can support their loved ones. x
The importance of someone saying they understand, can relate or ‘I’ve been there too’ is immeasurable. You can feel so alone with these feelings and knowing someone understands can be a real lifeline when times are bleak.
Totally relate to some of these – I cannot believe some of the things people can come out with & that some still don’t see mental health as an illness. A wonderful post which will hopefully raise more awareness x
Great post! And I completely agree… there are so many things I could add to this!
Such an honest, heartfelt post, Ana. I think a lot of people still don’t understand depression and so say well meaning but ridiculous things. This post is so useful for people to read and try to understand a little more.
This is such a great post and one everyone should have to read to avoid making these kind of comments to people they know struggling with depression. The thing is, I think most people just don’t what to say when you talk about mental health and sometimes they are just trying to help but they don’t realise the impact their words can have. I have suffered with post natal depression and anxiety, I’m now on medication for it but I worry about being called a drama queen because so many people just don’t understand what it’s really like. Fab post and I love your photos xx
This is such a great post! It’s all in your head is one of the worst things to hear, also to be told to just get over it. Thanks for raising awareness!
Excellent post! As someone who also struggles with Depression and have for the last 20 years, I’ve been meaning to create a post of my own about this topic. Your was very well written. Anyone who knows someone who struggles with Severe Depression needs to read this!
I’ve watched my son struggle with depression and anxiety over the years. It’s tough. Once someone said “Stop acting like a victim” While it was tough to hear, at the same time I realized the maturity wasn’t there for a kinder response, or it hadn’t touched their lives. What’s helped him most is having two or three people that he knows he can talk with and will listen without judgment. After that, anyone else’s comments seem to roll off his back.
Thank you for sharing and for your honesty. Depression is no joke and I wish more people understood it or were kinder for it sometimes. I think a lot of people simply aren’t able to put themselves in other people’s shoes. It makes it even more difficult to open up and, yes, that’s why I have so few friends or trusted people in my life. Sometimes I wish I had more but at least I know the ones that I do have really are there for ME. Keep sharing and keep being you and keep smiling!!!
So sorry for your struggle, but thank you for sharing your story! You are beautiful! Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.
This was/is everything! I dont know how many times I’ve seen or experienced others downplaying and invalidating someone else’s feelings. Emotions and mental health plays a HUGE role in our lives. Unfortunately many people do not understand until they undergo something that has a lasting impact in their life.
I’m so sorry for your struggles – but I’m happy to see you putting yourself out there to educate others.
This is a wonderful post, thank you for such a supportive, safe community around this topic! I experience bad anxiety some times and am told to “get over it”, or “stop overthinking”, but it’s truly not that easy! Love all the beautiful shots of you in this post as well x
Enjoyed going through this. Hats off for touching on this sensitive topic. Awareness is crucial.
Wow, thanks so much for sharing! I love that you talk so openly about your experiences and ways everyone can deal with their own, and others go through their mental health issues.
Such a well written and truthful message. Thank you for sharing
I can not tell you how on point this article is. It is so difficult communicating to people that depression and other mental health conditions is real and that “sucking it up” isn’t the way to help someone who is suffering. People do not understand the wounds that they can’t see and for some reason, believe they don’t exist. This is such a great article. Thank you for sharing your story and for setting the record straight.
People can be so harsh sometimes. We’ve become accustomed to the idea of ‘sucking it up and getting on with it’ will automatically make everything better. I am very grateful not to suffer from depression but my mother did. Watching her struggle daily was difficult, to say the least. Not knowing what to do to make her better was even worse. Sadly she wasn’t able to ‘suck it up’ and 15 years on people are still treating those with mental health issues so cruely.
Thank you for a well informed, rational post.
Everything you said is so true!! I recently interviewed someone who talked about her struggles with depression and she mentioned every single point that you mention and added: If you have never experienced depression don’t try to act like you have. Be authentic, be genuine, be caring and listen. Thank you for this blog post!
Thank you for this post. I lost 2 family members to suicide in the past few years. Depression is such a difficult illness and sometimes we really don’t know what to say. This article is helpful.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with depression. Since the pandemic, my life has turned upside down. I’ve been laid off for almost a year, I am part of the vulnerable population due to medical issues and rarely see anyone outside of my household. It has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health. Thankfully those I have decided to share my diagnoses with have been very supportive, offering an ear if needed, instead of being judgemental. It is a tough place to be, but without my wonderful support system it would be much worse. Thank you for sharing your story and bringing awareness to this all to common mental health issue.
Everyone needs to read this! My favorite comment I get is “When will you be able to stop taking your medication?”
Thanks so much for sharing! People who haven’t experienced depression will never know what it feels like to here these words. It’s so important that they understand what their words can do. Thanks so much for sharing.
Love that you have a list of what to say along with your list of things not to say with people struggling with depression! Many of these things are so harmful. I still remember several things that were said to me when confiding my struggles with friends. It’s helpful for people to have things to fall back on TO say for sure!
I kinda have the need to share this post. I feel like more people should read it. It is of great importance… as someone struggling with depression, I feel this is basic knowledge…
You have nailed it girl. Thank you for advocating for those suffering from depression. “Drama queen ” and “over acting” have been the common terms I have seen used.
As a survivor myself of acute postpartum depression and clinical depression, I couldn’t agree more with you on all your points. Well said. I too am a mental health awareness advocate and my business, Made You Smile Back, is all about doing our part in removing the stigma of mental illness. Well Done.
These are all excellent points. I really like the part about it being okay to cry. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for bringing such detailed awareness. Depression can be such a silent and shameful existence!
Very interesting comments. You are right on target. People always think that there is no way that funny people are depressed but that’s usually just a cover up. Good read.
Gr8 post! I also write on mental health. This is a well needed and written post. Xx
Ana, absolutely amaaaaaaaazing blog!!!! I live with someone deeply depressed and your advice is superb!
This is excellent and I hope it starts many needed conversations. Thank you so much for sharing!
This is very powerful information ! Thank you so much for sharing this . Depression is very hard to cope with, saying the right thing can mean everything !
Everyone needs to read this post. I’ll never understand why it’s so hard for people to just listen to others and show some empathy. No one should ever belittle someone’s feelings nor should they say they know what someone is going thru when they don’t. They should be their to listen and support. Thank you for sharing your story.
This is a great post! People need to be more aware that depression is a real thing. Thank you for sharing.
Such a helpful post for dealing with depression and for helping others who are going through the same, thank you!
Thanks for sharing. I like to be supportive, kind and gentle with someone who is depressed, so they know I am here for them.
Yes! Thank you for sharing. I am loving this post. So important.