Lets face it the dating world is rough; you meet fuckboys (or fuckgirls) at every turn, are ‘ghosted’ by people you date and are ‘hyped’ by people who use you to find the one. I have been in the dating game long enough to witness the evolution of dating trends and the difference between when I first started dating and now is quite incredible. When I first started dating, I met my boyfriends through mutual friends, school and after school clubs yet now it seems impossible to find someone outside of the ‘virtual world’. I used to be so against the concept of online dating but moving to London showed me an entirely different ‘dating climate’.
I was so used to finding guys at work or at school that moving to London completely unprepared me for the dating scene. Not only did I work in an industry dominated by women but I also struggled to find guys that A. didn’t want to just use me for sex, B. already had a girlfriend but wanted to have their cake and eat it and C. saw me as their rebound chick. So I did what any sane person would do and re-joined dating sites, bravely signing myself up to countless dates. I saw the good, the bad and the ugly but one thing I didn’t think I would see was a ‘change of perspective’. I had been so adamant that ‘online dating’ was for people who couldn’t get a boyfriend/girlfriend that I failed to see the bigger picture. Living in London taught me that it is okay to be searching for love online and in fact it is pretty normal.
However while the benefits of online dating is vast, there are also some setbacks that can make you think what the fuck have I signed myself up to. So give it up to my trusty alter ego Jasmine who will show you 10 terms that will A. help you up your dating game, B. watch out for all the weirdos and C. realize your own self worth. Let’s face it, people use you for a reason and no it’s not you but them. If someone can’t keep it in their pants long enough and blames you for their own inability to commit then its sure as hell not your fault.
Once upon a time there lived a girl called Gretel who joined forces with her bro ‘Hanzel’ to steal the candy from the old witches house and left breadcrumbs in their wake, to find their way back home. Except like all fairytales that story is a myth; instead Gretel and Hanzel were ‘seeing each other’, mainly over text, when Gretel caught Hanzel sexting ‘Tinderella’. She screamed and raged and oh how Hanzel lamented, ‘I will never do it again’ he cried. Except Hanzel was about to commit a crime 10 times worse and that was ‘breadcrumbing’. Hanzel was feeling hungry and Gretel was just another ‘plaything’ in a collection of other women and his texts to Gretel was becoming fewer and further in between. But what the hell has that have to do with ‘breadcrumbs’ I hear you ask? Well put simply someone who sends ‘suggestive texts’ with minimum effort and usually quite sporadically. They don’t blow hot and cold either, instead like Hanzel they send ‘non-committal’ text messages (otherwise known as breadcrumbs), which Gretel has to ‘follow’ , tricking her into thinking that there is a chance of a relationship.
You thought breadcrumbing was bad, wait until you hear what ‘Cushioning’ is. Spare a tear for these poor sods aka the ‘cushions’. The cushions are in a relationship with a fuckboy or fuckgirl who is meant to be ‘seriously committed to them’ and yet these f***ers have ‘cushions all around them’ as backup, who they text, flirt with, have sex with or even date at the same time as ‘seriously’ dating someone else. I used to be someone’s cushion and it f***ing sucked. I was in a relationship with a guy called B who took drugs and used me as both his rebound chick and personal cushion. While we had been seeing each other for a while before we actually dated, once we actually dated he would send ‘breadcrumbs’ to other girls and use them as ‘backup cushions’ in case our relationship didn’t work out. Inevitably it wasn’t long before I cracked on to my f**kboy of a boyfriend cheating on me with other girls and even walked into one situation where he was having sex with my friend and then pretended nothing had happened. The irony was that the friend then turned out to be gay so clearly he was her ‘cushion’ or ‘hype man’ for her next relationship. Even better when I confronted my boyfriend he told me that he couldn’t help it because he was ‘high on magic mushrooms’. Boy bye.
The truth was he was A. not over his ex, as he liked to remind me everytime we were getting intimate and B. was using me as a hypeman, while having his personal ‘backup cushions’ around him in case things went tits up with me. The worst thing is that I had to pretend to be civil to this jackass as we worked together.
Ah ‘hyping’ if only I knew what this term was last year, then I might have actually saved myself some pain and torment. But now, thanks to my favourite dating blogger Vix Meldrew, who coined the term ‘hyping’, I realized that so many of my exes used me as a ‘hypeman’ before they moved onto the main course aka the girl who would birth their babies, marry them and be the wifey they had always dreamed of having. There was this guy I was seeing, lets call him C who was a lot older than me but suffering from daddy and mummy issues. As someone who was broken in that department too I thought that the nicest thing to do was help him through the pain, after all I knew how much it blowed to have shitty parents. Except what I didn’t know was this guy was just hyping me because once he had his fill, he got bored and disappeared. Next thing I knew he was getting married and it was like a punch in the stomach. I had long got over him but still it hurt to see him move on without having told me what had got wrong in the first place. Whatever happened to the guy who said he didn’t want to get married, have kids or fully commit. In fact he never once called me his girlfriend, if anything we were more ‘friends with benefits’ except without the friends part. I had been the perfect hypeman to get him warmed up and clearly he found his dessert to be a little sweeter haha.
4. Fuckboys/ Fuckgirls
I think I have written enough about fuckboys for you to know what they are but if your new to the blog then let Jasmine give you the lowdown. Essentially fuckboys and fuckgirls are men and women who use their partners without giving anything in return. Whether that be a fuckboy who is using you for sex or to make themselves look better, these ‘fuck-people’ are all about numbero uno. While B was a terrible fuckboy for cheating on me and using me as his ‘hypeman’, ‘cushion’ and rebound chick, the worst fuckboy was S who deliberately attempted to pursue a relationship with me, despite already having a girlfriend, who he’d been in a relationship with for a few years. Picture the scene, a smoky low-lit bar and the most drop dead gorgeous man comes in and before we know it hours have sped by. I spent a few weeks in a delirious state of lust, that was until I stumbled upon his IG and Twitter, both of which I didn’t have at the time. Turns out he had a long term girlfriend and the worst thing is how she was always posting about what a perfect boyfriend he was. Not only did I cut all ties but I also asked my friend-who had those social networks- to message the girl and explain what this fuckboy had been up to. Safe to say he had no happy ending and this girl was free to find a Prince Charming who had eyes for her only.
Imagine you have a ‘potential mate’ in mind, so you start liking all their photos, retweeting their statuses and doing as many things as possible to get that persons attention. If you’re the tuner then you have full control and have the leverage to make the first move, However if you are the one who has a boyfriend who is ‘getting tuned by their ex’ or a potential love interest that is threatening to overcome your relationship, then that is an entirely different ball game. Lets call the tuner Amy, Amy broke up with your ex David a few months ago and now you’re with David. Things are going well at first, until you see that Amy is suddenly liking your boyfriend’s photos and sending him suggestive social interactions that are frankly quite insulting. Let’s face it if anyone is going to have sex with your boyfriend it’s you, ya know the ‘actual girlfriend’.
In some cases ‘tuning’ might not always refer to an ex being the tuner, instead tuning can also reference a guy or girl who you might have shared meaningless sex with or nothing at all and now suddenly they are acting all crazy by trawling through your Facebook archives circa 2012 and liking that one photo of you getting hammered at that party you can’t remember. Its weird, its creepy, just don’t do it.
Similar to cushioning, the Layby is a guy or girl who is in a relationship but wants out. Except much like the ‘cushion’ they are uncomfortable being single and thus start lining up ‘options’ who they might date next. I have been-and I am ashamed to say this- both the ‘layby’ and the victim. When I was younger I was uncomfortable with being single because I had issues with self-confidence and thus dated men who would treat me like dirt. When I wanted ‘out’ with that guy, I had already unintentionally laid out the groundwork for the next boyfriend but not in the way you might think either. I was with a guy called A. who liked me more than I ever liked him but I didn’t know it at the time. Eventually it felt like all he wanted to do was just stay home and have sex and I had enough. Meanwhile B- yes remember him- was making a play for me but as I was still in relationship I did not encourage him (I have never cheated on anyone and don’t plan to either). However I did moan to B about A and even moaned to his friend L about my boyfriend and how I thought I would break up with him. Within a day of breaking up with A, B. was there trying to get into my pants because I had become the layby. I ended up seeing him for a while before fully dating him but I still feel guilty about how quickly I had jumped into a new relationship, especially when I had told A. I had loved him when I didn’t.
Imagine you had an ex boyfriend, an ex friends with bens or an ex-fuck( whether that be a one or two time thing) who you ended things with a long time ago and then like the ‘ghost of Christmas past’ the ‘ghost’ tries to insert themselves back into their ‘ex-lovers life’. The ghost tries to worm their way back into your affections like a ‘zombie’ rising from the dead. The actual process of zombie-ing involves the ex something or other sending messages to start with before liking statuses and tweets. While it might seem like the ex is tuning you because they are horny, it might be because they are genuinely missing you and want to ‘get back together’. Except its never a good idea getting back with a ghost that is zombie-ing you because chances are they will go back to ‘ghosting you’ again. I remember there was a guy called J and we’d ‘see each other’ but in truth we were both using each either. Me because I was being a ‘Layby’ and didn’t want to be single and him because well he just wanted to get his dick wet. One day, he quite literally disappeared and I never heard from him again until last year where he started liking my photos before sending me messages saying how much he missed me. Thankfully I gave this zombie the boot and confined him to my ‘ex closet’ where he belonged.
Exing is quite self-explanatory; whether it be that you are not over your ex, are obsessed with talking about your ex to your current beau or use your ex to create drama because you crave ‘drama’ then you are ‘exing’ your partner. I have never been guilty of ‘exing’ my partner but exes have been guilty of ‘exing me’. B- the junkie, bad news ex used me to get back at his ex ‘G’ because he was never over her, but she was over him. He would always ‘favorably’ compare me to his ex, saying how much better I was than her but when he started saying what she would ‘do in the bedroom’ I balked. He wanted me to turn into a replica of G, all down to the things I wore, the role plays we carried out or even the conversations we had. Let me tell you something, it was fucking weird and I didn’t realize how weird it was until years later. Ladies and gentlemen, if you are getting ‘exed’ by your partner it probably means that they are not over their ex so shantayyy do not stay. This is not RuPauls Best Friend Race!
9. Catch and Release
Imagine the hunter stalking its prey and you have the basic premise of the ‘catch and release’ dating experience. The guy or girl is obsessed with the notion of the chase-whether that be virtual or real- but as soon as their ‘prey’ has taken the bait and has been ‘caught’, the hunter ‘releases’ the prey because they have become ‘bored’. This might happen during a relationship where you are making them wait for sex because you want to make sure they really are that into you and once the deed is done, the interest begins to wane because they have ‘entered the gate’ so to speak. It might also happen outside of a relationship where you like someone and they like you back but you are making them ‘work for it’. Eventually they have earned your trust but they have become bored and go back to ‘catching other prey’.
10. Cheese Toastie
Now here is one that you might not have come across before the infamous ‘cheese toastie’, otherwise known as code word for ‘secret sex’. Essentially the person you might be seeing or even a person who turns up at your door- the mailman?- could be invited in for a ‘cheese toastie’. The toastie refers to the actual sex i.e. being sandwiched together whereas the ‘cheese is the naughty bit of the toastie because that person is not meant to be having sex with you. Whether it be because that person already has a partner, your friends or parents would disapprove or they like someone else, a cheese toastie is never a good idea. My friend said she once asked a guy into her dorms for an ‘actual cheese toastie (not the sex kind you naughty lot) and he said no thanks I have a girlfriend because he thought she was inviting him in for sex.
There you have it ladies and gentlemen, question is what dating buzzword will we adopt next?
Have You Come Across These Dating Terms Before?
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