Whether you are happily married or have found a random stranger in the bush, finding that man in your life a special gift is near impossible. Brothers turn up their nose at the video games you have given them, sons cry when you dare to give them something other than £100 million pounds and husbands/partners/lovers are the trickiest male bunch of all. Not to mention the struggles of buying a new partner a gift, especially when you barely know what his middle name is, let alone what he would like for Christmas. Well fear not, I aka the ultimate source of all things man- translation, I know f**k all- am here to give you the helping hand that you desperately crave. Whether that be gifting beer that doesn’t taste like s**t, or ensuring that you don’t fall into the same ol’ rut of gifting 100 pairs of Calvin Klein’s, when it comes to a Christmas Gift Guide For Him don’t worry homie I got your back.
From the crude but funny ‘poo head’ game, consisting of -you guessed it- poo flinging, to Firemizer a solid fuel saving device that will make your man think he is the ‘King of the Woods’, when it comes to a Christmas Gift Guide For him, there is no such thing as boring. So begone tired pair of ‘tighty whitey’s’, shoo countless pair of lynx gift sets and say no to the ol’ money in a card because you forgot that person existed ‘trick’. Not today Satan, not today.
- Poo Head: The Poo Flinging Game
You’re probably thinking either I have lost my mind or I’m completely disgusting, well guess what I’m both. I’m a fan of the ol’ toilet humor and counting Rick and Morty, Celebrity Juice and American Dad among my favourite shows, probably gives you an indication of what makes me laugh. And yes the idea of a ‘poo flinging game’ that comes with its own ‘doodies’ does make me laugh, especially picturing the recipient of your gift who will either think that you have joined the dark side or had a personality transplant. Either way, I’m down for a completely nonsensical gift to give your loved one this Christmas. While your dad might fling your present out the window because he’s worried for your sanity, nothing says true love then talking about s**ts. Its like Jamie Lomas and Dennis Wise said in ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’, if you can ‘fart in front of your man’ or take a dump in front of them, then they will be with you for life. Mainly because they are worried you might knock them out with the stench of said dump, but hey its got to count for something right?
Think of all the beautiful songs that you can sing along while you play the doodie game too. A ‘Christmas Dump’ or ‘Silent Fart’ comes to mind, or the best one of all that infamous 1994 track by Mariah Carey called ‘O Holy Turd’ is an absolute classic.
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2. Bulldog Skincare For Men: Cruelty Free
You might think that this post is funny, but animal testing is something that I will never make jokes about. The day that I found out that brands like Loreal and Revlon tested on animals was the day that I decided it was not enough to be just a vegetarian, but I needed to be vegan with my skincare choices too. I was horrified watching documentaries that showcased how animals are tortured for our skincare and it saddened me that I had unknowingly played a part in their pain and suffering. So I made a difference and I made a change and even the clothing that I wear are all ‘faux materials’. One thing I noticed when it came to men however was how how little ‘organic, natural, cruelty free skincare brands were out there designed specifically for men. I could count at least 50 female orientated cruelty free skincare brands like Tropic Skincare, Urban Veda and Disciples Skincare to name a few but I was stumped at how little awareness was raised about cruelty free products for men. Which is where Bulldog Skincare For Men steps in; developed in 2005 by Simon Duffy, his purpose was to fill a gap in the market for cruelty free products for men and Bulldog has been flourishing ever since.
From moisturizers to travel kits that have been specially formulated for a mans beard, it pays to be cruelty free.
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3. Grow Your Own Chili Plant
If there is one thing that I have learnt about the male species is for some inexplicable reason they love spending hours on the toilet after consuming enough chili to give their bowels a melt down. And not to mention taking them to a ‘curry house’ involves them ordering the hottest thing on the menu, even when a Vindaloo is not exactly what I would call a ‘pain free dinner’. Yet I’m one to talk, I freaking love spice so secretly this grow your own chili plant is actually just a treat for me. Except word of warning, this chili plant contains one of the worlds most hottest chili’s so don’t be a twat like me and touch your face, because I guarantee you will feel like you are on fire and trust me noone likes crispy human. Unless your secretly a cannibal or something, in which case good for you. Whether you fancy making a Thai Green Curry or are into Tikka Masala get yourself a chili plant and watch a world full of spicy opportunities open up for you.
And if you think that growing your own chili plant will be the date night treat that you need to send that tiresome date ‘packing’ then good news I have rustled up some more ‘grow your own’ treats below! And while there are such things as ‘grow your own penis’ I think your man might get a bit offended so how about a grow your own Bonsai tree instead?!
Shop More ‘Grow Your Own’ Goodies For Men Below
4. Drinking Games To Get The Party Started
Ah the classic rite of drinking games; hangovers, random people in your bathtub and the morning after- and no i’m not talking about sex you dirty beast- brunch of course! Because spending the next day puking your guts up and vowing for the 10th time to ‘never drink again’ is ‘amazing’ said no one ever! While ring of fire was a classic drinking game, might I also recommend the Classic cards against humanity, that gave us such classic narrative possibilities like ‘Before I kill you Mr Bond I Must Show You…My Collection Of High Tech Sex Toys VS ‘When I was tripping on acid, fingering turned into finger painting. There were some more awkward combinations like ‘go to a church steeple and you’ll see altar boys’ but we’ll just pretend that those cards never existed LOL. Basically if your boyfriend is a horrible person and laughs at phrases like ‘a windmill of corpses’ then that is the perfect drinking game to make his night happening. But don’t worry, I’m only a moderately horrible person, so good news I got plenty more drinking games to get you wasted. From edible gummy shots to the drinking buzz wire game, let the drinking games commence!
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4. Retro Arcade Machines
I was once an avid gamer, but then life happened and I got really s**t at playing games. But every guy I have been with has been a bona fide game nerd and would spend hours glazed in front of the TV shooting random dinosaurs and aliens while I sat pouting in the corner, because they wouldn’t give me 5 seconds of attention LOL. And don’t even think about dangling sexy time as a ‘special treat’ if they stop playing games because I guarantee they would rather fight with some random 13 year old boy across the pond then get down and dirty with you. But do you know what is fun and dosen’t involve shooting hyper realistic people? Arcade Games, now that is what I am talking about. Even when I was super into games, I was way more interested in ‘retro games’ like ‘The Sims’ and the classic golden oldie Mario and the game. And don’t even get me started on that cute ass MOFO Spyro and its grainy 90’s graphics, I freaking loved that game. But now games are all super high tech, with mind blowing graphics and that’s no fun at all. Bring back Bowser and his glitchy ‘Takeshi Esque Castle’ or how about MR Pac Man whose been blowing our minds since 1980?! Yes that’s more like it and thanks to my homies at Prezzybox, their retro arcade machine has over 250 games to take you back in time.
What could be a better addition to a Christmas Gift Guide For Him than a nostalgic video game sesh?
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5.Hofmeister Helles Lager
Nothing screams ‘man’ more than a ‘manly pint of lager’ or at least that is what the bartender tries to tell me when I order beer. But of course that bartender is talking bollocks because lets face it us women love beer and lager too. After all its unpretentious, its casual and it’s just chillaxing waiting for us to do our thing and knock it back like a couple of shots. So why not get your male companion-whether that be secret lover, friends with benefits or Instagram Husband, a treat that you can both enjoy? Enter Hofmeister Helles Lager; Brewed by a family owned Bavarian brewery, the German Craft beer is a clean-tasting Helles lager with a complex balance of refreshing soft malt and subtle hoppy notes. Light in colour, the craft beer/lager was the first 5 star winner of the Best Lager award in the 2017/8 IWSC awards and its easy to see why. Made using just three ingredients, mineral water, hops and barley this is a genuine craft beer brewed to strict German beer purity laws.
And by god can you taste the difference; it was the middle of the night and I was seeking a beverage to quench my thirst and Hofmeister came to the rescue, armed with a superhero cape at the ready. Light to the taste and easy to drink, the lager went down swimmingly and before long I had pretty much drank the entire crate of beer-not in one day of course- LOL. So what better than lager and beer to add to your Christmas Gift Guide For Him?
You can get a case of 12 bottles for £19.99 or a case of 24 for £39.99 and, for a limited time, you can also get free delivery if you enter the code FTBHOF17 at checkout. Click here to explore the homepage & Click Here To BUY HOFMEISTER HELLES LAGER.
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6. Virtual Reality Headsets
Has your man ever fancied himself to be at one with dinosaurs? Has he ever cooed over David Attenborough and his soothing voice on Blue Planet? Or maybe he’s a gamer and loves nothing more than the grim satisfaction of blowing someone’s brains out? Well fear no more for the virtual reality headset is here, designed to entertain your male friends the right way. From a removable window for augmented reality play to an eye cushion for comfort, watching films in 3D and immersing yourself in a video game environment has never been so fun. You know what would be funny… if you were playing the Sims 3 and you had told your Sims to go and have Woohoo, hows that for soft porn? Or maybe you were playing Grand Theft Auto and you were stealing a car and robbing a bank, how cool would that be in 3D? Of course not all virtual realities are so seedy, nothing like a bit of Shrek to get the Christmas spirit and motion or if animation is not your thing, ELF is a guaranteed conversation starter. Especially since it has Tyrion aka badass character from Game of Thrones, otherwise known as Peter Dinklage in it!
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7. Stylish Christmas Jumpers
When it comes to a Christmas Gift Guide For Him, nothing says ‘festive spirit’ more than a stylish Christmas jumper. While we are famed for our ‘ugly Christmas Jumper choices’ , there is no such thing as an ‘ugly jumper’ in my books and even the most gaudiest, novelty jumper can get the ‘superstar treatment’ by being paired with chinos, desert boots and a knitted cardi that your Grandma would be proud of. From ‘Fair isle print’ jumpers to the classic Christmas Dinosaur, get yourself a Christmas Jumper that you will want to wear again and again. My money’s on the Christmas Dino to win! And if your man is disgruntled by his Christmas jumper and threatens to set it on fire because it is ‘hideous’ that’s ok, just wear it at the dinner table the next day and laugh as his face contorts in anger. Isn’t it fun to wind people up? On another note can we find out who this ridiculously attractive man is, where has he been hiding all my life?!
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8. Badass Headphones & Earphones
Whether your big bro, your bit on the side or your papa bear listens to music or is an avid gamer, Faded Spring has found some right musical treats to make his ear drums happy. From wireless Bluetooth headphones to emoji earphones, headphones are always guaranteed to be a Christmas cracker. Besides I don’t know about you but I love nothing more than blocking out the world around me when I am travelling, especially since I couldn’t give two hoots about who ‘shagged Fred last night’. And would could be better than super loud, high tech headphones to give those loud passengers a taste of their own medicine? Or even better to wear next time the inlaws come round so you don’t have to listen to them whining on about how things were better in their day again. Yes mammy in law we already know how much you enjoyed rations in the war. Yes a world without technology, where it takes 2 weeks to receive a letter is fantastic. Yes I love the sound of camping in the woods getting soaked to the skin. That is 100% my definition of fun. And in case you couldn’t tell I’m being sarcastic. Ah headphones, warding off annoying people since 1958.
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9. The Firemizer & The Fire Builder
Does the ‘male’ in your life fancy himself to be the ‘King of the Woods’ and has dreams about creating shrines to the ‘Tree God’? Well I can make those dreams come true because after getting in touch with the Fire God, he said he was good buddies with the Tree God and pointed me in the direction of ‘The Firemizer & The Fire Builder’. Eco Friendly, Cost Efficient and Easy To Light, The Firemizer is a unique solid fuel saving device that can help you create the perfect fire and has been scientifically proven to reduce the burn rate of your fuel. So if you fancy a night in with your man and would love to watch movies in front of the fire, while sipping on hot chocolate and vegan marshmallows then the Firemizer is for you. Not to mention that you can now buy a ‘Firebuilder’ to use with your Firemizer which is made of 100% recycled cardboard and takes a mere 27 minutes to achieve 1kw of heat. So if you wonder where your man has gone to at 3AM in the morning he’s probably living out his childhood dreams making fires in the wood. After all there is no better cure for insomnia than a cozy fire to snuggle into!
Shop The Firemizer & Fire Builder Here
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What Will You Be Getting Your ‘Male’ For Christmas?
*The Firemizer & Beer/Lager Are PR samples