I was always that girl, pining away in a corner wondering if the guy I loved would ever love me back in return. While friends easily flirted their way into guy’s affections I was awkward and found it hard to be around guys that I liked. I was that girl with a best friend who was dating the guy I liked, for a year I was trapped in someone else’s shadow and with every kiss that I saw my heart shrunk a little more. I was that girl who would write poems and stories, blessing each word with a memory of a lost love. I was always so shy growing up, choosing not to tell guys when I liked them because they were always the wrong guys, they were too popular, too perfect, too good looking for me. At least that is what my inner demons used to say to me and the bullies certainly agreed, taunting me because my hair was too curly, my skin too dark, I was an ‘ugly changeling’ they said.
I suppose that if I was to counsel myself I would say that the reason I was so afraid to tell people how I feel was because all my life I had been rejected and I didn’t want to add what I thought were more personal failures to my list. I was never popular per say with guys, I wasn’t bland enough and definitely not considered cool. I never tried to pretend that I was someone I was not and yet at times I thought I was playing the part of another person, who was more confident and more attractive than I knew myself to be. Except that masquerade always came crashing down and the more I was put down the worse I felt about myself.
The first true crush I had was in Year Seven, a popular good looking guy who all the girls were after. He was nice to me and for one foolish moment I thought that he might like me back. I was wrong of course and as I plucked up the courage to tell him he burned me badly. He told me that he only spoke to me because I was smart and thus he could copy test answers off me, he only made conversation with me so he could get with my more attractive busty friends and to add further insult to the injury he stated that he would not touch me with an 8ft barge pool because I was the most ugly girl he had ever seen. I was heartbroken and as I started crying my so called friends started chanting that I was a ‘crybaby’ and that I ‘looked even uglier when I cried’. That was not even the worst of it, kids would heckle me in the class because I had the audacity to like someone who was clearly out of my league and delightedly told me that there was no one in my league because I was at the bottom of the table.
Since then I kept my mouth shut and never told people about who I liked because I was scared I would get humiliated again. Throughout the years I went out with guys who would use me and because I knew no better I naively thought that was the norm. I have never known love in its truest form and I have never been in love. I have been treated like s**t time and time again that when it came to uni I had enough and didn’t want anything more to do with men romantically. So I took a vacation from dating and while I have liked people over the years again I never told them because I didn’t want to receive an answer that would make my heart break.
I remember in year 9 I was in love with another popular guy; tall, blonde and comedic he was my type in a nutshell. One day in a game of truth or dare it slipped out to my two closest friends at the time that I liked this guy but as soon as I realized my mistake I begged them not to say anything. Of course they told everyone and all my so called friends dragged me to his table and proceeded to make a song and dance about how much I liked him. When they asked him if he liked me he replied ‘no why would I she isn’t even popular’? It reminded me that in my school we should all know our place and when it came to dating I should stick to people who were in my ‘dating pool’ and not engage with a more popular, exclusive society.
In Sixth Form another popular guy caught my attention; over the years I became more attracted to brunettes than blondes and he was tall, dark and handsome. Except he was also a complete arsehole and loved nothing better than calling me names and stalking my every move. I hated him at first but then a friend of mine told me that he liked me and of course the seed had planted. Suddenly despite his dickish ways I had fallen for him and as much as I hated myself for it I couldn’t help but feel infatuated. He was in my every waking thoughts and his poisonous words were like a drug to my senses. It was intoxicating and heady yet I hated myself for liking someone who A. clearly didn’t like me back and B. for liking someone out of my league.
Except what is the definition of a league, how could I know who I could and couldn’t date when the boundaries were so unclear? Now I like someone a lot and I don’t know what to do because I am scared I will get hurt again.I resisted the pull of the dating cult for so long, convincing myself that I would be happier on my own but secretly I yearned to know what real love felt like. What it felt like to have someone beside you who would do anything for you. They would bring you food when you are sick and treat you like a princess. They would make you laugh and you would cry together; you would be each other companions until the end of time. I see all these couples loved up and happy and sometimes I wish I was that girl who knew how to love. Is it sad that at 22 I have never been in love but had been in love with the idea of loving someone? I don’t know.
Have you ever been in love with someone who didn’t love you back?
Love the post. It is something close to heart and i thinks it happens with everyone. I am also shy in nature and yes it happens with me when i was 17. You have described very beautifully in your post and yes you are looking pretty. Keep up the good work.
Ana, my heart breaks for you reading this post. You are a beautiful woman inside and out. Finding love is so hard in today’s world, especially when you have hurt in the past. Continue to love yourself and know that you are worthy of love.
I think we’re all been in love without someone who didn’t love us back at some point – it’s part of growing up x
It is heart wrenching and emotional this post thank you for sharing. My only advice is don’t get hung up on anything to do with love. Have fun, be around men and try to feel comfortable around them and then when your relaxed someone will just be there I am sure, have fun and be happy X
It’s a really tough situation to be in, but everyone goes through it. I wouldn’t want to be that age again.
Ana! I understand where you’re coming from as I have experienced the same sort of issues. You’re so lovely and beautiful, keep being your wonderful self girl x
I think everyone goes through this. The truth is, you shouldn’t let it scare you. When it is the right person, you’ll find yourself chatting and flirting away without any of this school girl embarrassment and shyness.
Such an honest post. I have loved someone who never even noticed me. I was always shy around men and only met my soul mate when I was 27. Love will find you when you least expect it. Jo x
It’s really hard when this sort of thing happens. I know it’s easier said than done but you just have to move on when it happens
I bet that guy in Y7 is bald as an eagle, weighs 30 stone, bad breath, lice and is kicking himself every day! His loss. Your prince will come and I don’t say that glibly. 22 is honestly no age to be looking. You are stunning and there’s no way you should ever settle – There’s magic out there for you!
It’s such a shame that you were surrounded by such nasty individuals, these sort of situations with negative comments can really scar you. With any luck you are now amongst people that are more caring and proper friends. I hope you find the one who will treat you like a Princess, with any luck 2017 could be your year xxxx
This sounds like me! It took me till I met Claire to understand what being in Love meant. I was in long term relationships before but always said I wasn’t in love and didn’t believe it was a thing. Meeting Claire changed it all!
It does happen to everyone, eventually, but the only way I can describe being in love differently to the others is that instant feeling of wholeness. That a missing jigsaw piece falls in to place.
Just so you know, I always had a list of what I wanted from a partner and actually, when I met Claire, none of that actually was the reason I fell in love with her. It boiled down to 1 of those things… the most important thing it seems and that was thoughtfulness.
Everything else I wanted in a partner was not what she was but it didn’t matter x
It is so hard for kids growing up. I had crushes on guys who didn’t like me growing up but I never loved them. I am so thankful I met my husband my senior year of high school. We have been together ever since.
I hate that you were made to feel like this when you were younger. I think sometimes you just need to take the courage and tell someone how you feel x
Thankfully my mummy hasn’t endured the pain you describe, she always had crushes on celebs which were so unobtainable is never mattered. xx
I love the way that you write Ana, so honest and truthful. I find it hard to imagine what dating must be like nowadays! H x
Such a beautiful post, you’re a beautiful lady, inside and out xo
It is always so hard to accept that someone that you might have so much affection for doesn’t feel the same way, it is so human! I have felt like this before but feel that this feeling has disappeared with age, don’t let things that happen so long ago get to you – you deserve so much better!
Jb // xx
Ana, kids are so cruel. School is an unfortunate situation because you have so little control over your environment. To answer your question at the end, I would say everyone has experienced that in one way or another. Have things improved once your got more control over your life? Like not seeing the same people every day whether you like it or not (i.e. what we call “elementary” & “high school” in the states).
This post is really sad, I was always the same when growing up, I’d fall for guys who were in my eyes way out of my league (although now that I’m older I realize there’s no such thing!) and always wonder why, for once, I couldn’t be the one to get the guy or for a guy to like me back. As I grew up, I became more confident in myself and a lot changed, but I suppose like any girl, I do still have those moments where those insecurities pop up now and again x
It’s terrible for people to go through this because they will end up putting shields up and letting go of the idea of love. I think you’re too young to give up on love though. When you find that person, it will feel natural and right.
Girl, I feel like we’re twin flames. Unrequited love is one of the hardest things ever. Or you’re ready to be serious, but the person is still only in the like phase and unsure of what they want. Every time I fall for someone, this happens.
I think everyone has been there at one point. I know I certainly have and can relate to those horrible “friends” you had in school. Sending you big hugs lovely x
ah, this is such a difficult post. it’s hard waiting to find ‘the one’ but I’m sure that special someone will be along… x
I’ve definitely been there and it’s horrible. I hope you find love
It can be awful I know but I am thankful and feel blessed to have my lovely partner now.
Reading your post, I forgot how tough school is. I never had the guts to tell guys i liked them until I was 17/18. However I hadn’t quite the bad experiences. Hope you have better friends now! x
Kids are so mean at school!! I remember really embarrassing moments like these when I was at school and they stay with you because its such a critical period of time when you’re growing up, these things almost shape us!! Don’t give up on love just yet, its out there and it will come to you when its ready. Love is something that you’d hate to rush, you’d hate to think that you’re in love with someone that realistically your not, you just want to love so bad, when it comes you’ll know and because you’ve waited for it it’ll be even more special!
This post is so beautifully written, yet so sad. I love your style of writing, and fashion sense too and enjoy reading your blogs. You deserve someone amazing to come along and love you, and I hope it happens for you one day x
it’s scary how much i can relate to you. I’m a few years older than you and ive also never truly been in love. i don’t even know what it is. one day we both will
I think most of us have loved someone or liked someone at least and not have them love us back. I’m the suffer in silence type. I haven’t been in love in a long time. I feel like I’m so comfortable with being on my own that I don’t know what I would do if I suddenly became a we. But I do believe in love, the good kind…it just takes time for the good to come.
That kind of pain feels like it will last forever, and can sometimes leave some scars. You are a gorgeous individual and I know that one day you will get everything your heart deserves. x
Most likely yes, in answer to your last question! I don’t think not being in love by 22 is a bad thing a lot, plus, I know a lot of people who haven’t! I think it’s one of those things that all people are completely different 🙂
You’ve such a charming personality that I don’t believe any guy can turn you down. At 22, you’re doing so well in your life. Just stay positive and wait for your Mr. Right!
I can so remember going through this too (a couple of times in my life) .. and it stinks. The first when I was in my 20s .. just getting started .. just experimenting love. Then again in my later 30s .. when I was again single. Just when I thought all hope was lost .. and there were no good men out there .. I met my husband.
I understand you all too fully here Ana. I have been in love without someone loving me back for sure. And I also know what you mean when you say that you have been in love with the idea of being in love. It does hurt whether you wanted to love a person or were in love, them not loving you back does sting. And that guy who said you were ugly is an idiot of the worst kind. Not only is he an idiot, he is also the one who is truly ugly and the ugliness will never leave him because it’s on the inside.
Anna am so sorry you went through this ordeal you didnt deserve any of this i was looking for ways to forget unrequited love when i came through your story because am at that moment in my life where i never fell in love but i did when am 25 and it hurts he doesnt love me and i have no dea how to get over what i feel for him yet he is my first love all i know now is i wont give up on love someday someone will love me with the same intsnsity and passion and i wil love them in return