‘Tinsel and glitter giftwrapped in sugar and spice, lick the sacharine icing off the cake,
Deflated balloons burst in a moment of passion, finger pricked dripping blood,
Abstract thoughts and behaviours crystalized, speakers rejecting the social norm,
Golden era buried in the ceaseless past, tissues bloodied with political intrigue’
Last month I turned 22 and it marked an end of an era for me. After 17 years in education it dawned on me that I am in the real world now. No amount of education could ever have prepared me for the reality of debt, of having to depend on others in order to survive or sacrificing those who were important to me in order to get to the top. Life is hard but it is a cliff that I will keep on climbing until I am at the top of my game and no amount of social deprivation or physical ailments can hold me back from achieving my dreams.
I have always been a dreamer and 22 years later some things never change. I am still imaginative, fixated on my dream of a better future and above all learning to sift between ‘real’ and ‘false’ friends. It all stems from a childhood of abuse, bullying, debauchery and deceit designed to erase me from history but I can never let that happen. I am a rare find, a crystal without stone, a multi-faceted being whose approach to living hopes to inspire many others to hold onto their future. If the past was your downfall then let your future be the stepping stone to your success.
What have I learnt from my 22 years on earth? That I am wise beyond my years, that I reject labels that stereotype me as a ‘pity child’ a product of a broken home that is all but an invisible statistic. I will not let society ignore me any longer, yes I was abused, yes I was bullied but do I let that stop me from achieving my dreams? No and it shouldn’t stop you either; some are scarred by the memories of the past but my misfortune makes me more determined to succeed.
Now that I am 22 I want to start afresh, I want friends who will do anything for me no matter what, I desire to feel the calming winds of peace and tranquilty, the chaos of the past all but a distant memory. The events of the past left me broken for so long but now my wings have been unclipped and I can run free. When I look into the lens of the past I feel bitter nostalgia overcome my senses, shattered friendships, erosion of family ties and deep regret at not being able to see the people that I love all because I am ‘disliked’. It is 22 years later and I still haven’t decoded my lifes biggest puzzle; what is it about me that causes people to use or abuse me? Jealousy is the most common conception but I believe it is something deeper than that. As children we go through a process of socialization that is influenced by both ‘environment’ and ‘parental guidance’ that instils or ingrains beliefs in us from the moment we are born and ultimately these beliefs transcend into adult life. Because we are taught to act a certain way our freedom is restricted and we rebel against the authoratarian ruler that controls us. By rejecting the norms instilled in us as children we project our insecurities and fears into a canvas and that canvas is a victim. I was once a blank canvas used as a passive retainer of fear and hatred but now I am a warrior with a desire to fight and show the world what I am made of.
What have you learnt during your lifetime?
Photography- Jumanna Khanom
Hat- Asos
Skirt- Miss Selfridge
Vest- Forever 21
Shoes- Ego Official
Coat- Topshop
Cake- Handmade
I love your strength and how determined you are to make something good of yourself despite your beginnings. I have that too, and when I’m feeling doubtful, posts like this are so encouraging to read.
It’s great to see that with everything you have been through you have developed an inner strength. I really hope that your future is one full of happiness.