Never Judge A Book By Its Cover…
I used to ride through life pretending I didn’t care when the bullies called me names, that every birthday without fail my mum would forget to call, that I was invincible and intolerant to emotion. Yeah well its all a lie, a front I put on to pretend that I am stronger than I am. I don’t want people to know how I am behind closed doors, how at night when the lights go out I lay awake thinking about the future and it scares me. How long will I be a prisoner in my own mind, scared to rock the boat because of its mental limitations? But noone sees this image, to them I am this invincible girl who breathes happiness and joy, who would never judge a book by its cover, who is fun, confident and free-spirited. Except last night things changed. After work I went out with my friends and was the life of the party, squealing with schoolgirl excitement. It had been a while since I let loose and so the drinks began flowing.
Except here is the thing, I am not really meant to drink that much because it makes me very sick and not in the hangover kind of way either. But still I kept drinking and when I drink things rise to the surface and I become very emotional. I started crying, unexpectedly out of the blue and I didn’t know why at first. I am so used to keeping my emotions in check that showing the world my true state of mind was never intended to be a public display except it was. You my readers know that I had people who I was close to die recently and whilst it might have been three months ago now I never acknowledged my grief. I swept it under the carpet and carried on with life because people tell you that ‘life is too short’ and expect you to wipe away the tears and move on. I thought I did and I was happy but maybe the grief never goes away, maybe the pain lessens over time but there will always be an empty space in my heart where their souls used to be.
So I drank and I drank, reveled in male attention and laughed my little heart out. It was my way of saying look I am fun and exciting, never judge a book by its cover, least of all mine. It turned into a spectacle soon after and I have no idea what the trigger was but I felt really sad and alone in this moment. At some point I left the bar/club sobbing my little heart out and I was an absolute mess. I sat at the bus stop crying and crying, anguished tears blurring my make up into smudgy black lines and two strangers set beside me and held my hand. All it took was that one simple touch to get my story out, how lonely I feel in London, how sad and broken I feel losing loved ones and how I always felt like second best throughout my childhood and teenage life. I know they say that you shouldn’t let your past define you, but how could I let go of it when it was controlling my life? I so desperately wanted these strangers to take away my pain, to provide a salve to my wounded struggle and detach me from the emotions that were eating me up inside.
I was rambling but suddenly it was like I couldn’t stop, they held my hand the whole way through. I told them how ugly I felt in that moment, how people made me feel like I would never be a somebody and how every time I tried to find someone to love that person would do something so bad that all my trust would be gone. Honestly I was so embarrassed confiding in strangers and I kept apologizing for ruining their night to which they replied that I hadn’t. Eventually I found myself at the station and had a panic attack. I don’t know if it was brought on by the stress or grief but I couldn’t move and had to lie on the floor and curl into a ball because A. I was in pain and B. it felt like my heart was broken, I was a mess. I kept telling myself that I deserved to feel like this, that I shouldn’t have been so stupid to go out and try and consume my grief in a toxic environment, but despite the negativity that was clouding my mind, these kind and thoughtful strangers gave me hope and a shoulder to cry on. Not once did they judge me, not once were they condescending, patronizing or unwelcoming. They were unflinchingly warm-hearted, generous with their time and would never judge a book by its cover, no matter how broken that cover might appear to be.
Two train guards came and got me up and I felt humiliated, I didn’t want them to think that I was drunk because I wasn’t, I was just sad. They understood and helped me get up, it was 4 in the morning by this point and even the short 13 minute walk to my house from the station seemed impossible. Somehow I managed to get 5 minutes away from my house before I collapsed on the floor again and this time a young guy approached me and asked if I wanted to be walked home. Normally my stranger alert radar would be on speed dial but I was so upset that I agreed and luckily I made the right choice. I couldn’t walk and had cut my ankles when I had fallen, so he supported me along the way, while I apologized profusely for taking up this guys time. Even writing this now I am crying and I think it is because I am ashamed.
Ashamed that I let people see me like this, I didn’t want people to think that I am a freak but I sure as hell felt like I was. After all how could I say that you should never judge a book by its cover, when I was always judging myself? He was so nice and walked me to my door, even helping me get into my house because I couldn’t see through my mirage of tears. I never caught his name or the two strangers in the blur of the moment but I want to thank them for taking the time to listen and for making sure that I would be ok. Because let’s face it I have family members and even so called friends that couldn’t give two hoots if they tried. The fact that complete strangers understood what I was going through and even better were there for me restored my faith in humanity a little more.
This morning after three hours sleep the room was spinning and for a moment I had gone blind. I couldn’t see and felt sick to my stomach. I was in pain and when I tried to get out of bed I hit my head and blacked out. I have no idea how long I was out for but I didn’t feel any better when I came to. I felt so sick but couldn’t throw up. I was nauseous and my chest felt tight, my legs were shaking and my vision was blurred. I was sick to my stomach and for hours I couldn’t even leave the toilet I was so dizzy. Friends called and I had to lay there on the floor with my friend on speaker phone because I couldn’t open my eyes. Time seemed to go really slow and I had no concept of what I was doing or what I was saying. Eventually by mid-afternoon I finally threw up and as disgusting as it sounds it made me feel a little better. I was still dizzy and in pain but my stomach had finally settled and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Sometimes when I get into this state I get so bad that I have to go to hospital and the last time I was there I was kept in for 7 hours because I was so sick. I had a flashback to that moment, leaving the hospital early morning, being shouted at by a random stranger. I sat at the bus stop again still feeling ill and he invaded my personal space, called me names. Told me that my parents didn’t care, he is right to an extent. I digress, I have a fear of hospitals so I was thankful that the pain began to lessen by the evening. But that didn’t change the way I feel or at least the way I felt last night. I used to think that writing was the only counselling I would ever need but I think maybe just this once I am wrong and I do need help.
I need to change the way that I look at the world and myself. I need to never judge a book by its cover, that cover being me. I need to be less anxious, less jumpy and committed to self-love and care. Most of all I need to remember that it’s okay to not be ok, because life isn’t sunshine and rainbows, I can’t always block out the pain. And while it’s hard to not feel overwhelmed or swept up in the vicious turbulence of my emotions, it’s time at last to try…
Have You Struggled To Shake Off Your Inner Demons?
* Updated to include some mental health support services below. This is not an extensive list but just some of the resources that are available to you. Since 2018, I have found that therapy has helped me massively, and even today as of 2020, I am still receiving support for my mental health. Ultimately I am in a much better place and have learned to never judge a book by its cover*
NHS (with a list of counselling services and types of therapies offered in your area)
What a personal and detailed post! Sorry that you’re battling with yourself at the moment. Life gets so tough, its something I learned at a very young age, I had to. I too have had my moments like these, I also had moments where I’d want to drink to forget and have fun! Life in its ups and downs can still be weird and wonderful. Hope you are feeling a lot better now! Xox
Woah that was beautiful and brave and inspiring! I’m so incredibly sorry to hear that things are rubbish right now. But please, please, please, remember that you are such a beautiful person, inside and out. You are alive and even if you don’t feel it sometimes, you are loved. Your demons will put up a good fight, but you’ll put up an even better one and win the war!
If you need a chat or anything at all, I’m always around.
Sending you so much love and positivity <3 xxx
Wow, that was powerful. Very brave of you to have shared that with everyone. I hope you’re feeling better now xxx
I think everyone has struggled with personal demons. I learned years ago, that you can appear happy on the outside, but be “dying inside” like the Jerry Cantrell song. You should give that song a listen. This was my favorite of your posts so far. Mainly because of the honesty. Not too many people would be willing to write about their personal demons.
Such a heartfelt post to share about your inner demons. I think we all struggle and to recognise that you need extra help is good xo
Such an honest post of self realization. I agree to never judge a book or people by what you see on the exterior. There is always a deeper story among us all.
Oh huni, I hope you feel better soon and find a way to deal with everything x
Such a brave story to tell. It’s definitely easy to judge quickly, but I find putting myself on the side of what the other person could be going through makes me rethink things pretty quickly.
Ana I have commented and liked many of your Instagram posts over the last few months and I had no idea about the pain that you are carrying inside. I am so glad that you came across strangers that were kind to you when you needed it most I hope you manage to work your way through this. Sending light and strength. xx
Such an honest post about inner deamons. I agree u should never judge a book/person by their cover as u never know what someone is dealing with on the inside.
I for one am very pleased to see this post, I know how difficult is it to write such personal experiences but I will tell you now that this post will go on to help so many other people out there. Be proud of yourself for helping others. I know those feelings and desperate pains you feel inside but it can and will get easier with the right friends standing beside every step of the way, your facing and living alongside and your demons and that my dear makes me very proud to call you a friend x
This is a great post, so deep and so honest. I think sometimes we are all guilty of judging but this is a great reminder not to!
It sounds like things are pretty rough at the minute Ana, I think we all have that tough outer shell and once it is broken we fall apart. I hope you feel better soon x
Wow Ana,
This is such a heart felt post. Your post mad me realize that there really are people out there that genuinely cares:)
Ana, this is such a honest post. And while reading it I was in tears as this sounds like a very similar thing that I have been through. life can just be really hard for me at times and sometime I think I should get help, instead of just trying to deal with it all by myslef
Sounds like a rough time. I too had a rough childhood so I can relate to some extent.
Awww. I hope you’re okay now. As we grow older, we learn to adjust to things, and eventually, we realize that we’re stronger than we actually think we are. You are a strong person, it’s amazing. Thank you so much for sharing!
I think everyone puts up a happy front from time to time, but it sounds like you do it more often than most. I really hope you’re ok. Being a young adult is so hard – believe me, I’d know!
– Elodie x
http://www.elle-yeah.com
I’m so sorry that you’ve been through some really tough times. Thankyou for sharing it and being so honest though x
This is such a powerful post. I think sometimes we just need to break it all down to get up, go on and keep growing.
This is most definitely a powerful post and just shows how there are still good people out there who will bring a bit of light into the darkness.
Wow, I am so sorry to read you’ve been struggling. It’s warming to hear that two strangers held your hand and listened to you, and I am glad someone helped you home safely. I have struggled and still do, but I try to take one day at a time. Have you seen a counsellor?
I am so sorry for your experience Ana, they say sometimes its easier to confide in a stranger than people you know because strangers wont judge and even if they do you never know about it. Keeping the grief in must have been hard and it had to come out somehow.
such a brave post to tell, thanks for sharing it with us. Its so true that no one should ever judge a book by its cover.
Wow! This is a very powerful story. I feel so much more connected to your story than you realise- not because I have experienced that but because a heart break in any form is hard to go through. Sometimes this transformative experiences that allow us the space to be able to be our true selves in any form comes in the most of unexpected times! Hugs!
Your posts always captivate me. Your honesty and your pain flows in your words. Thank you for sharing your post. No one should ever judge a book for it’s cover. That statement is proving daily. I hope things are looking better for you.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this very personal experience with us! I know what it is like to fight inner demons for sure. While you may not believe it right now, you are incredibly strong and you will get through this! I am so thankful for the kind strangers who you found last night! I encourage you to continue to let it out as you feel comfortable! Wishing you all the best! One day at a time, you can do this!
Wow, thank you for sharing! I try to never judge before finding out the entire story.
It is strength to realize when you need help. You are strong. I am so sorry you had to go through this pain but I hope you can find the right help to make you feel as strong as you actually are.
You have one of the most honest blogs I have ever read! It’s true, you just don’t know what is going on for someone on the inside.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and words, it is great for all of us to read and help each other.
Your blog is very strong and meaningful. Don’t judge what we only see in outside but inside is the most important to know first.
I salute you for being so truth and strong.. Some people easily judging negative without knowing the person.
Gosh I want to reach out and hug you, although I know this is in the past. I felt so much for you and can imagine how you must have felt at times. It does restore your faith in some others though and I’m glad you got through x x
I always find it amazing when people choose to be so brave as to share the most intimate parts of themselves. Thank you so much for doing so. I’ve definitely struggled with my inner demons. Panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and even more. Writing can be very therapeutic but if you think for even a minute that you need more help, please don’t hesitate. Life can get so much better!
Awe…. Every single one of us has challenges and you are write in the title of this post. We should never judge a book by its cover. In reality that is so very hard for some though. Btw I have literally done the same thing as well with my grief swept it under the rug and tried to forget about it. I learned that it never works doing that and it only made it worse in the log run!
Hope you are doing much better now
I am sorry to read that you are having a difficult time. But I am so happy to read that people, strangers where there to help you when you needed them most. I am glad you got home safe and didn’t need to go to hospital. And One of the hardest things to admit is that we need help, and yet it’s a first and an important step. I hope that you get the help that you need through counselling.
I never judge someone or presume I know what is going on, as you never know what goes on behind closed doors.
I think it’s so important that people don’t judge just by what they see as a lot of people change their personalities to hide their true selves. You are a beautiful person inside and out and shouldn’t be afraid to show it x
We all experience something like at some point and I’m glad that there are people along the way who helped you. I would be worried about your safety and it’s good to know that no one decided to harm you that night and decided to guide you through it instead.
I think we all experience this at some point and as humans, judging other people is something we do, but it is how we do it and what we do when doing it that counts x
You are completely right, it is our prerogative to judge but sometimes we should step back and assess the situation. Not everything is as it seems x
Sorry to hear what things you have been through. You have been through some very different time, I hope things start improving for you. Keep yourself safe Ana. You are so right,, never judge a book by a cover.
Love the colours of your outfit, these colours look great on you 🙂
I think you show such bravery for writing about this. I was a little concerned that you left on your own something I could never imagine doing due to past experiences. I’m glad that you got home safely and with help xx
I am so sorry that you’ve been struggling with life lately. I know a few people who put on a happy face to show the world how brave they are. It’s hard. Hoping that things look up for you soon!
This is absolutely a great post, you’re so brave to share this with us and I hope you feel better soon.
I think we all struggle with inner demons. You are brave to talk about it but most of us will never share the fears and struggles with others.
I’m always in awe of people brave enough to share their stories. It’s easier to hide and not let people know what you are going through, but I’ve found that when you do speak up, others will come forward with words of comfort, understanding, and a willingness to share their story.
What a deep post. I’m sorry you’re struggling at the moment. It sounds like that was a horrible night. I hope you continue writing and find additional ways to channel the difficult emotions.
what a powerful post Ana! Thanks for being so brave to put this up, i don’t think i would have the courage so yes girl you are brave and strong! Keep going!!
Oh lovely, i’m so sorry that you’re struggling right now, I’ve been there at rock bottom but remember the only way is up. Much love to you. xxx
It is indeed true that in an extent we all hide who we truly are, and as you said we do so from the fear of being judged or considered weak and vulnerable. You are so brave with coming out with your story. Love you bud x
Grief can be such a debilitating thing. People cope with it in different ways and they are not always positive and productive ways. I think it is such a personal experience.
So sorry that you went through all that trauma Ana. It was great though that strangers showed you absolute kindness . Goes to show you that there are lots of good people still around. I do hope you feel better soon and I think all the crying was perhaps natures way of cleansing your mind and body from all the toxic people that you have encountered. Stay strong! xxx
You are such a thoughtful and inspiring writer! I also love the colors of your outfit. Thanks for sharing another beautiful post.
You are so brave for sharing this. It is important to talk about our issues and what we are going through. Not only will it help you to a degree, it might also help others out there. Hope you are ok.
Bimey! What a journey. I too lie awake at night thinking about the next day and the next and what I need to do.
Sometimes i just want to shut off for abit. The mask I wear is the one of big smiles and long laughs, it’s easier than how people react when they know my real mood. resonated alot with this.
My inner demon would be depression. It is still there, everyday. I fight it hard, and I have learned to stave it off most days, but some days it is really tough. Thank goodness I have a loving husband who helps me on those days.
Your posts are always so deep and insightful. Judging is a hard habit to break but one that should be.
You are always so honest in your post and the way you write, and I feel like this post I the one I can relate to the most. Never judge a book by its cover.
Your post is very powerful and you’ve crafted your emotions very beautifully in this post. Kudos to you for being honest!
I think that everyone goes through this phase of life! Sometimes I don’t feel like showing my true feelings to people around me and put a mask on myself and pretend to be happy. However, Life has its own highs and lows, so can’t complain! Hope you’re feeling better now!
My inner demons have been hard to shake off. But it’s something I continue to battle with and I am determined to win.
This was very brave! It sounds like you’re going through a really tough time. Know that we are here for you even if it is just through the internet! Beautifully written!
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this and that life is crap now. Such a powerful story, thank you for sharing it. i can never sleep due to pnd and anxiety so I know what that feels like every night. Big hugs x
Awww so wanna give you a hug right now, such a honest and raw post. I suppose by what you went thru thou and the strangers showing you kindness, it’s nice to know there’s still some good in this world. Xx
What an amazingly honest post. This is not the first time we’ve read something like this from you. Sometimes moving on is the hardest thing. I hope you master your inner demons soon before they destroy you. At least you are on the first steps to helping yourself by talking about it.
I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. And you are right, you kept inside you too many things and last night was the moment when there wasn’t space anymore and you just exploded. Too many things have happened to you and you can’t keep holding on to them. Maybe going to a counselor can help, they can be that stranger that never judges but just helps. Sometimes, no matter how strong we think we are, we do need a shoulder to cry on.
I’m so sorry you are going through such a rough time. I hope that this is a good, first step forward to putting you on a beautiful path for the rest of your life.
Inner demons are the hardest thing that I deal with and they are big bad ones. The absolute worst sounding and looking.
I love honesty! I tend to be also very honest… I can only say that I know how it is to lose someone you love.
For me it takes time… Time heals all wounds… everything.
Everyone deals with loss differently! It takes time…I think it’s very important that you have a courage to write about it! This was very brave!
All I want to say that you are not alone!
You have a lot of people here…
Have a nice evening!
We are all humans and have feelings. It doesn’t meant that we need to share everything with everyone. I have been pretty good in hiding how I felt and I still am sometimes. There’s definitely time for everything. Sometimes healing takes a bit longer. You always seem to know how to put the words – love to read your posts:)
This is very sad to read, I know all about being bullied. I was bullied from kindergarten to college, people can be so cruel. I recognize myself in your story, the way you write and describe it. I know that even so called friends can be so careless, but thankfully there are people (like the ones you met) that can make a difference. Sending you hugs and love x
What a deep post Ana. I try not to judge a book by its cover. We all have issues we are dealing with. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you are feeling ok now.
Your post is so real and honest. Life is full of challenges but I guess the best way to approach it is to face each challenge full on as well as share our feelings with friends and family who can support us.
What a post. Everyone has some sort of tale to tell, just depends on how willing they are to open up. Well done for being brave and talking about it.
Inner demons can be the worst to deal with!!! So important not to judge someone based off of one encounter with them.
Wow, such a powerful story. I appreciate how honest you are. Hospitals are for sure the worst. I hope that since you’ve sought the help you needed.
Nina
aworldofdresses.com
Dealing with emotions is never easy. It’s wrought with complications, some we brush aside and others that just explode to the surface. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us. I definitely could relate to the pain of missing someone.
Struggling with the inner stuff isn’t easy. And being able to post it so raw like that is a blessing more than you know Ana! ~ http://viabella-thebeautifullife.blogspot.com/
Oh sweetheart, you poor thing.
I remember once, years ago, I read that we must remember one thing whilst moving through life: That ALL emotion is energy, and if that certain energy isn’t allowed out; if we keep it trapped inside, unfulfilled in its nature (ie Love, anger, sadness) then it will undoubtedly explode out at some point in time. It has to. And this to me was such a simple explanation of human feelings, and so I’ve never forgotten it.
So don’t forget to allow yourself emotions and feelings. These characteristics are what make us human when all is said and done – You have a right to feel how you feel, don’t let society make you feel that you need to squash that stuff to appear a certain way. Let it out girl! … and in a way, this sadness is actually making you stronger anyway , because you are learning and acknowledging lessons now that some people take decades to figure out.
You should definitely try counselling. Its perfect for dealing with this stuff. Honestly.
Big hugs and love,
Anna xx
I think everyone struggles with their inner demons whether it’s stress, depression or matters relating to grief. Even insecurities! I think you will find everyone will have found themselves sad or crying during or after a night out for similar reasons. That is probably why others were so kind. Hope you never have a night like that again! x
I’ve read and re-read your post .. thank-you for your honesty. Thank-you for being brave .. I guarantee more people can relate that what you’d ever expect .. and that you’ve helped them in some small (or big) way.
I think that being honest with yourself and recognising there is a problem is the first step to making a change. Very brave post, I hope this raises awareness so people give careful consideration before judging people or making assumptions