Moving On

Like an addict I cling to hope, dreaming of the day when I no longer need to say goodbye. There is something so final, so unbelievably hard about ‘letting go’ and ‘moving on’ and quite honestly its not one of my strengths. I always classed myself as a ‘trier’ and that applies to anything that I do including friendships and sometimes I fail to recognize when a relationship is dead and gone. You see there was this girl who I was best friends with and for the short three years that we knew each other, it felt like us against the world. We would cook together, attend classes as one and go on dinner dates that I still miss to this day until  I fucked up one time. I did what others had done to me and took advantage of our friendship. I took her for granted and I realized when it was too late and now she doesn’t want to know. Last autumn our friendship terminated abruptly and it was heartbreaking, weeping over a friendship that had ended in massacre. Except it wasn’t a massacre, the friendship ended quietly and without the drama I would expect in the circumstances. She sent me an email, several in fact listing all the reasons why she didn’t want to know me anymore and it hurt a lot, much of what she was saying was a bit twisted and not at all what had happened between us. I admitted in the email that I didn’t realize she had felt like that and had acknowledged that I should not have taken her for granted, upset it had come to this. She made promises that everything was going to be ok, that we can ‘meet up as soon as possible’ but still to this day she hasn’t bothered. When she accused me of not pulling my weight I deliberately went of my way to try and see her but she kept making excuses that she was busy and couldn’t meet.

We all lead busy lives but we had a day planned to meet up and I was looking forward to getting our friendship back on track. Except it never happened, she stood me up so to speak. Later she apologized and said she had been at work, but I knew the truth. She went out with other friends and cast me aside expecting me to not find out the way I did. When I confronted her about it she was adamant it was ‘for work’ and that is when I knew our friendship was over. But still I was foolish, hopeful that this would all be a bad dream and we would be laughing about this for many years to come. Months went by and the texts became stagnant; never once did she go out of her way to text me first but I should have known this would happen. In our final year as best friends I brought us two tickets to see Le Mis, I was very sick at the time and was unable to enjoy the performance as much as I would have liked to but I did it for her because she was a true friend at the time. She would cook for me when I was sick and would go out of her way to make me feel special. On my 22nd birthday she brought me my favourite cake ‘Tiramisu’, a large homemade one especially for me and presents befit for a princess. We would both look out for each other and I would calm her down when she was having panic attacks and she would do the same for me. I miss our friendship still eleven months on,refusing to believe that our bond has turned into ashes. 

She has a new set of friends now, a well paid job and I couldn’t be happier for her, I just wish that I was there to celebrate with her. Every so often I would ask her how she was and how the job was going and her replies would feel curt and calculated. She had her birthday this year and it was a stark contrast to the last, I wasn’t invited of course, it hurt like fuck. I should have stopped when my heart was still intact but still I was desperate to resume our friendship, a self-stylized idealist I could not accept reality. And what was that reality? The reality was one when we no longer become central to each others lives, we had ceased to exist and all that was left were memories of a happier time. When my grandma and friend died I became despondent and painfully aware that noone knew what I was going through. They say that its in times of tragedy when you find out who your real friends are and they are right. Very few so called friends were there for me and it felt like a knife to my heart. These people who claimed they would be there for me no matter what, who I was always there for did not want to know. When you are in mourning you become a leper and people do not know how to treat you but its fair to say I hardened a little bit after that. I sent her a text a few weeks ago asking how she was to which she replied fine thanks you and I stated that I was ok considering the circumstances. She then went on to reply that she was very sorry for my loss and when I asked her whether her sister had told her she said ‘no I saw your status about your grandma’ and the penny dropped. She had seen what I had been through but truth was she didn’t care enough to offer her condolences. When I said and my ‘friend’ too I never heard a response back.

Without the support of the blogging community and my closest pals I might have been drowning in a sea of self-pity but I knew life went on and in that moment I realized we would never be friends again.I found it so easy to let go of other friendships before, when they are toxic its so easy to banish them into the furrows of your mind. But what we had was different or so I thought and there was not one point when I saw our bond as toxic… apparently she did. I know now that we have seperated and moved onto different paths and while I am not ok with it now I will be. Speaking to one of my closest friends Anna Maria she asked me why I hadn’t deleted her off FB or other social media and to be quite honest I was taken off-guard. Why hadn’t I? Because I guess there is still one part of me that finds it so hard to let go and I don’t want to talk trash about someone who was such a big part of my life. We all make mistakes and I find it easy to forgive but some will caste you aside forever.

Have You Ever Found It Hard To Move On? Disclosure* Despite how it might sound I am not bitter and I don’t want to see anyone talk badly about her. She was a good friend and was there for me during big events in my life and I am thankful for all the memories we shared. We laughed and we cried together and I will never forget what we once had. She moved on a long time ago and now I hope I can move on too. I wish her the best of luck and if she ever sees this I want her to know that yes I fucked up and now I can accept that she wants no more to do with me. That is ok people change, its a natural course of progression. Good luck T x