A Guest Post By Elizabeth Brico
When I was 20 years old, I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is an intrusive mental health condition that causes a host of disruptive symptoms. Many of them are debilitating. Imagine wanting to go out and get a slice of pizza down the street, but instead staying in and having a PB&J because the idea of being around people makes you too anxious. That happened to me last night. Imagine staying up until dawn because your sleep is haunted by nightmares that re-enact the worst moments of your life. That was how I spent my summer. Imagine having to quit your job because every time you saw a six-foot white guy, you hallucinated the face of the man who raped you. That’s why my last conventional job ended. Living with PTSD is one of the saddest and most difficult trials I have ever faced.
Street Art In Allen Gardens, Shoreditch
I have PTSD because of domestic violence that took place when I was a teenager. My ex hit me and bit me and kicked me and raped me. He kept me in a motel three days against my will. He strangled me until I seized and lost consciousness—several times. He cheated on me more times than I know, lied constantly, and called me demeaning names. He even abandoned me with our three month old son to vacation in Japan with his ex-girlfriend. But there’s one event that truly stands out. One action that makes me curl away from touch to this day, and which has led me to lose faith in the goodness of everything. A caress.
How A Caress Caused My Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Dictionary.com defines a caress as “an act or gesture expressing affection, as an embrace or kiss, especially a light stroking or touching.” Merriam-Webster says caress means “to treat with tokens of fondness, affection, or kindness: cherish.” According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, to caress is to “touch or kiss someone in a gentle and loving way.” Urban Dictionary says that “caress” is “when a guy uses his body part’s to pleasure a girls body part’s [SIC].” While all these definitions vary somewhat, it seems that all of these dictionaries agree that the act of a caress is associated with kindness, love, and pleasure.
My ex’s caress was gentle. That much was accurate.
We were at the Super 8 motel in SeaTac, Washington, United States. It began as a planned trip, but by the time I arrived, I was prey. He chased me there at knife-point. The first thing he did when we got to the room was pass out on top of me. I was too afraid of waking him to try to escape. Looking back, I wish I had tried. It probably wouldn’t have changed what happened, but at least I would have done something.
Street Art Great Eastern Street Shoreditch
When he woke up, he beat me so hard I saw stars. Literally. I remember being surprised by that. It was like a cartoon. When he was finished, my eye was swollen. He didn’t want to let me leave until it healed. But it was a non-smoking room and we were both smokers, so he took me out back for a cigarette. We sat on the curb behind the motel. A police car passed on a distant highway. I watched it, wishing it was closer. Wishing I had a way to hail it. Wishing I had the courage.
When we went back inside, he sat me on the edge of the bed. The drapes were open, revealing a window that exposed us to the street outside. My ex looked at me, and caressed the side of my face. A gentle caress, his fingers trickling down my cheek. Then he walked over to the curtain and closed it. It was a lover’s gesture. The girlfriend on the bed. A caress against her face. The gesture of closing the curtain for privacy. A prelude to intimacy.
When he came back, he punched me in the face. I don’t remember much after that. I do remember it lasted a long time.
Living With The Aftermath
That relationship lasted four years. I remember those years in patches. Moments of brilliant, painful clarity rise up from the expanse of darkness that a traumatized memory becomes. That caress is among the brightest. I can’t forget it. He committed so many acts of violence against me that I can hardly tell them apart. For four years, my body was permanently bruised. I carried ligature marks on my neck like jewelry. There were bite marks printed on the side of my face that took years to fade. There are so many terrible memories to fixate upon, but that caress is what haunts me most.
I don’t trust kindness. I dissociate from affection. Compliments slide off of me like water. The beatings I could understand, in their own twisted way. He was an angry man who used my body as the vessel for that anger, as he used other bodies before mine, and is certainly using more now. But that caress was a cruelty beyond explanation. What drives someone to act so gentle for the purpose of committing such violence?
I feel helpless to make anyone understand how much worse that caress was than all the rest. I know I was traumatized by the events that surrounded the caress, but it was that gesture that broke me, and that keeps breaking me. Sometimes I still feel him standing next to me, like a whisper of a body. His hand reaches out, his fingers brush my cheek. Something private and vital inside of me goes a little deeper into hiding. Something inside gets a little bit farther from ever coming back.
Elizabeth Brico is a freelance writer with an MFA in Writing & Poetics from Naropa University. Her blog, Betty’s Battleground, was ranked by Feedspot as one of the top 75 PTSD blogs. She is also a regular contributing blogger for HealthyPlace. Freelance credits include VICE, Vox, The Fix, and Racked. When she isn’t working or momming she can usually be found reading, writing, or watching speculative fiction.Follow her on Twitter
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Oh my goodness, I can’t imagine what it was for her to live like that for so many years or how she will ever trust again. I am so glad her and her baby are safe now
This is heartwrenching! It totally makes sense that the caress is what caused the years of pain and anxiety and lack of trust in loving acts. What a strong woman
Oh, goodness. What a beautifully written and haunting piece. Elizabeth, I hope in time you can overcome the abuse you suffered at the hands of this wicked man x
Wow, what a personal story. It’s so brave of Elizabeth to share this story online!
Oh gosh this is so sad! Very upsetting to hear this woman has gone through so much heartache and pain.
Wow, Elizabeth. You are so brave for sharing something so personal to you. You are such a strong woman and I am so sorry that you had to suffer at his hand for so long 🙁
My heart was breaking for you as I read this, I have experienced emotional abuse from an 11 year relationship, but nothing like this and that took me a very long time to recover from. I am so glad you got away and one day hopefully you can start to move on. Thank you for sharing your story x
I’ve n ver been through anything like this, however…. I think it’s a powerful road to recovery to talk about your experiences. Good on Elizabeth for seeing this and Taki g action, I hope you inspire others to do likewise.
By gods this lady has suffered, how can someone do this to another human being? I know hindsight is a beautiful thing but luv just focus on the now and how you deal with PTSD. Wishing you had done something or even hailed for the policy, I have no idea how that must make up feel. Thanks for sharing
Wow, this was such a movie story. It gave me goose bumps. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 18 and earlier this year told I had PTSD after a traumatic experience I went through. Yoga has helped me so much. At first I was a little resentful and was punishing myself. It’s a very tough situation to be in.
This is so sad… It’s difficult to stay strong when something like this happens… Another upsetting story after watching news about shooting this morning…
My husband is an Iraq war veteran so I’m pretty familiar with the weird triggers of PTSD, but there are so many people who only associate PTSD with vets and don’t think about the other causes. Elizabeth, I sincerely hope you are okay and that sharing your story helps both you and others.
This is horrible…I’m so sorry Elizabeth went through all this! It takes such courage to share your story. Praying you are able to heal from this and that your story can help others who have been through similar situations too.
I’m so sorry that Elizabeth had to experience this from a …..oh I can’t even call him a man. Going through such a horrific time does tend to change you as a person and others who haven’t been through it, frankly, just don’t understand. You are very brave and a strong woman. I too have been through similar and have always been asked, “why didn’t you just leave”….We both know it’s not that simple. Little things that may seem so innocent to others trigger those memories and it does make it extremely hard. I commend you for sharing this. I know it must have been hard for you to do. Just know that you are not alone.
I am so sorry to hear Elizabeth has gone through so much. Please hang in there.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this and are still dealing with the aftermath. I was stuck in an abusive relationship for three long years. I had the bottom of my ear bitten off my head, my right leg broken so badly that I have three metal plates and 33 pins holding it all together, but it’s the mental scars that I’m stuck with. It has taken me such a long time to start to trust people and let people in. I’m thankful to say that I’ve been in a loving relationship for almost 11 years now, but I have put my other half through hell at times with my anxiety and paranoia. If you ever want to chat feel free to PM me x
Such a upsetting story. I am glad it she is no longer in that relationship and both her and her son are safe.
What an awful thing for you Elizabeth to have to have gone through as a young person, PTSD really is a nasty thing for anyone to have to suffer with as well 🙁
Gosh sorry to hear about what she went through. she is definitely brave for sharing her experience.
I’m glad you’re talking about PTSD. I think a lot more people experience this than is talked about it. And so many people keep silent. It’s brave to make your story public, but it can help so many other people.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this story, it takes a lot of courage to do so. I hope you will be blessed.
You poor thing Elizabeth, what an absolutely awful thing to have to go through. I just can’t understand how people can be like this.
I’ve never suffered abuse. I can’t even imagine. So brave to share this story and I pray it gets better.
I wish she had the internal strength to try and get away but the helplessness is too real. Four years is a long time to be a victim and I can not imagine how long it might take to get over that.
I’m so sorry this happened to you Elizabeth, I can’t even imagine someone treating another human being like this! As someone with panic disorder, I completely understand how horribly debilitating various kinds of anxiety attacks can be. I hope one day this man no longer has a lingering influence on your everyday life and you can live your own way.
I am at a loss for words. I am so sorry for the hardships and traumatic experiences Elizabeth had to live through.
That was horrifying and it’s really important that we all open our eyes to the reality of abusive relationships. I admire you Elizabeth for being so brave as to share the things that you went through so that women can learn from them.
This is such a sad post, I can’t imagine the pain of every hurt and caress you would have felt with that man. How horrible it can be and impact someone’s life. Can so very well understand your anxiety of looking at a 6ft man! Hate this man, after reading this.
Those years must have been such a nightmare for you. I am so happy that you were finally able to get free.
Oh my gosh, this story squeezed my heart. I am so sorry Elizabeth had to go through this. I will never understand men like this.
This just mad me so sad for you. Life wasn’t supposed to be this way. I wish I could turn back the clock for you and let you kick some butt. Oh, and all of us would be there to help. Hugs.
Thank you for being so brave to share your story and experiences Elizabeth. I’m sorry this happened to you and I know that there are many others out there who can relate and will benefit from you being so open. I hope anyone suffering out there gets the help they need.
I’ve been following you for a while Elizabeth, so I know of your previous experiences. Reading it again makes me feel the pain again. Also makes me grateful. Thank you for being here and staying strong!
This is much a moving story. Sorry her and her baby had to experience it.
Thank you for sharing for your story. I have worked as a sexual assault/domestic violence victim advocate for almost 20 years. It is powerful stuff.
No one should ever have to experience this and Elizabeth is brave for coping with it now. I can see how a caress would be more horrifying given the situation that actually getting beaten and it gave me chills reading her account. I hope one day it no longer haunts her quite the same!
Reading this with tears rolling down my cheeks. I just can’t understand what is wrong with some people! I am so sorry to hear you had to endure this hell Elizabeth. I hope one day you will be free from the torment and enjoy the amazing life you deserve xx
What a heartbreaking story but I am pleased to see she got out, even if it did take 4 years. I hope she finds her happiness
I found this so difficult to read. I never understand why people stay in abusive relationships. But I guess I would never understand because I have never been in that situation.
My heart is literally breaking reading this post. I’m so sorry to read of your traumatic experiences Elizabeth. :(((
Thats a personal story… I am feeling bad for it though… I am sooo sorry 🙁
Wow, it certainly took a lot of courage to share your story. Thank you for sharing so that others know that they are not alone.
This is incredible hard to read let alone experience. I could never imagine the situation you were in. I am so glad Elizabeth managed to break away and get out of that abused situation.
It’s tragic what happened to you & I’ve known about PTSD for a while now. And it sucks. There’s no other way to put it. It’s like living in a prison from where there’s no escape. It sucks. But, you’re not alone. And, you are brave. If you remind yourself that every day, it will be enough. It is what I do. 🙂
I am struggling to find the words. The pain and anguish that she suffered and endured. And the courage she has to share her story. I am touched!
It is so sad hearing stories like that happened in real life. Everyone really deserves better. I hope she’ll be well and so with her child!
This is such a sad story that share lights to many who suffered from PTSD. She sounds like a strong and brave woman to step out and talk about her story.
I have never been in an abusive relationship but have known people who were. It is so sad and my heart breaks for anyone who has had to go through it.
Geez what a horrible story. I almost though this was yours, but I am so happy I never went through physical abuse but happy the writer finally broke free from the abuse. I hope his karma come back to him.
I am literally in tears knowing that you endured this sort of evilness. But, I am happy that you are writing about it today. That you survived, and that you are not another person we hear about on the news. I pray that you continue to gain strength each day. I pray that a caress one day would mean exactly what it’s supposed to mean — SAFETY!
Thrifting Diva
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This is sad to hear and that’s very brave of this lady to share her story. Abusive relationships should stop at once and imagine how many people suffering from this. It’s heartbreaking especially the aftermath of those who are victims like this lady.
Elizabeth’s story is just so horrific. It must be horrible to be able to see a thing like a caress, which is supposed to be loving and supportive, and see it as something that is negative and brings pain and hurt. And to see somehow the twisted logic of the person who inflicted that on her is horrible. I have had an abusive relationship where I couldn’t see which way was up before. But she was never physically violent with me, aside from having a knife under the pillow and bringing around an axe, which is a threatening gesture all it’s own. But nothing like hers. I am glad she has found an outlet for her expression. And it’s great to be able to read her stories.
This literally made me cry like a baby. I am so sorry that you went through this, Elizabeth but I am glad that you are able to share your story and also bring issues like PTSD to the attention of the masses.
I wish you much love and continued happiness xxx
What a terrible experience, I cannot believe people can be so horrible that they could do this to someone.Sorry you had to go through that
What a horrific account of her abuse. It’s certainly understandable how this would have longterm impacts. I hope her ex is long gone.
I am so sorry this happened to you Elizabeth. And I completely understand what you are saying about the caress. You are so brave to share your story. Thank you!
I can’t imagine going through such trauma and making it out without PTSD. I feel such immense sadness that you had to experience this type of abuse so young. Sadly it’s more common than we know, but I hope that by sharing your story you spare others.
I love how raw and honest this post is. What a terrible experience though!
I’m a doctor and have personally seen patients suffering from PTSD. It is very difficult for the individual and the family to handle. Moreover, it takes time and a certain kind of understanding to get over. Stressful when I think about what they went through!
Gosh, this story just broke me, I am so so very sorry that Elizabeth had to go through all this, what a sad, and deeply upsetting story. Thank god she got out of it although I know the scars run much deeper. Much love. xxx