I am a survivor. A person who speaks to her inner child often. The scared, vunerable, hurt kid who was constantly bullied, abused and taken advantage of. I had family members flake out on me. Left in the hands of evil that threatened to take away my joy. They tried to break me, but I wouldn’t crumble. Determined from an early age, navigating each family crisis with strength beyond my years. Aged 2 and a half, I was abandoned by my mum. My Dad trying his best to fill in the void. Working long hours to provide for us both. Trying to give us the life that he had always dreamed of. There was a seperation that affected me deeply. I was confused, and even at that early age, I remembered fragments. A mum that was once there, and then wasn’t. Fractured relationships, isolation, time alone. They say when parents separate, children often face significant emotional challenges as they adapt to new living arrangements. The transition from a single household to two separate homes can be confusing and unsettling for young kids who crave stability and routine. Some may experience anger, and sadness. For me there was feeling like I didn’t belong. That I wasn’t wanted. That I did something wrong for her to go away. Helping children adjust to a new family arrangement is hard enough. How do you make sense of the changes around you? However helping children adjust to a new family, is another battle.
Aged 4, I was child minded by my future foster mum. I don’t remember much during this time. Blurry faces, and whispered shadows. I seem to remember the more difficult times the most. Yet, I remember her. My foster mum, who I asked ‘to be my mummy’. I was hurt, longing for human connection. I got attatched easily. But at the back of my mind there was always that worry that I would never be enough. That I would be left once more. It was aged 6, that my childhood became even more corrupted. I was abused, by my stepmother. Someone who had promised to love and care for me. Instead, she stamped on my heart. Crushed my soul. Left me with trust issues, and trauma that I still experience until this day. There was the physical abuse, where I turned up to school swollen and bruised. My Dad told me not to tell anyone. I tried to lie, to protect my warped family, but they saw through the bravado. The mental abuse, the starvation, and withholding of food. The calling of names, the shouting and swearing. The beatings, and the slaps. The alienation, I wasn’t even invited to the wedding. She made sure of that.
I only realized in the last 5 years that I have anxiety, something which manifested during this time. I was called a nervous child. In reality that fear was governed by anxiety. I was in a constant state of fight or flight. I didn’t know how bad things would get. How my livelihood would be at risk. How it would leave me with physical and mental health issues that got worse over time. I dealt with family seperation to start with. The mum who left. For some families, they opt for shared custody arrangements, while others establish primary and secondary homes. I only had a primary home. While my mum popped up ocassionally over the years, it wasn’t enough. Likewise, when my Dad met my stepmum, the transition was not handled well. She was jealous of my relationship with my Dad, and hated that I was not her child. Because of this, I was punished often. Remembering when my sister was born, how she would taunt me with food. Making me watch as she fed my sister and not me. I didn’t have a healthy relationship with my biological and step parents, but it was obvious why.
That’s why I wanted to raise awareness. Showing my perspective as an adult who is in therapy, on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication, and continously working on herself to deal with trauma. I know there are other adults who struggle too. Who were once kids whose parents divorced. Children caught in the throes of a parent’s messy affair. The loss of a parent who passed away. Adopted and raised in a non-biological family. Struggling to help children adjust to new and scary family dynamics. No matter the scenario, it goes without saying that transitions are difficult. I dealt with a lot of them. Abandonment. Changing of parental figures. Abuse and neglect. The Foster Care system. Being introduced to my Mum once more. A fractured, and inconsistient relationship with parental figures.
So what are the signs?
Signs Your Child May Need Additional Support
It goes without saying that everyday worries grow heavier for children during family transitions. Parents in Slough and Berkshire have noticed certain patterns when children struggle to adapt like weeks of disrupted sleep, sudden changes in mood, or persistent headaches with no clear cause. This is something I can attest to as both a child, and adult. I struggle with sleep, including insomnia, recurrent panic attacks, dread, anger and frustration. As a kid I was told that I ‘was a drama queen’ when in reality, I was trying to process trauma. Because of this, I still to this day, struggle to accept my emotions. Although I tell myself that it is OK to cry, subconciously, I am not OK with it.
Another common trauma response is avoidance. Local family support workers report that children sometimes avoid seeing friends or lose interest in once-loved activities for months. In some cases, children begin expressing worries about not being wanted in either home or making comments that suggest a deep sadness. In my case, I would avoid conflict. I would try not to engage in arguments, and people please so I didn’t get told off. I was that kid who craved validation because I didn’t get it. I was attatched to the wrong people, and would overlook their red flags. Even as an adult, these were common mistakes that I kept repeating over and over again.
As an adult there are new things that I avoid. When things go wrong repeatedly, I get to a point, where I reschedule, cancel or don’t do it all. Whether it is not having enough confidence, worrying things will go badly, or that I will do too much, I can see how it links to my inner child. It is another form of avoiding conflict. If you arre a parent, and these concerning patterns persist, local support should be considered. In Slough, school-based counselling services and charities offer no-cost counselling for children facing difficult feelings after family changes. Connecting with Stowe Family Law provides access to guidance on putting legal arrangements in place shaped around children’s needs. For me, I was giving a few sessions of counselling at the local family support centre, although it wasn’t the right help for me at the time. Helping children adjust is challenging, but the key is patience. I wish more people understood how debilhatating the long-term effects of trauma can be on children and adults.
Creating Stability Through Consistient Routines
I am someone who has struggled with routine, consistiency, and stability throughout my entire life. As a child, everything from my routine at school to stability in the home, was disrupted. For starters, I am Neurodivergent, and was diagnosed with a learning disability. I was given a support assistant, and had speech and language therapy in Primary school. I felt a loss of independence and struggled with what people might think of me. After all, helping children adjust to trauma, isn’t limited to the home. School is one of the biggest components of our lives growing up. There can be a lack of predictability, especially during times of change. In secondary school, I found the inconsistiency even more difficult. I struggled with how people might think of me differently, having help at school. I didn’t want anyone to think that I wasn’t smart or capable. Now, I realise that my brain is programmed differently. I am smart, I am creative, I am kind, and thoughtful. I just have quirk that makes me learn differently. That’s a superpower, not a flaw.
They say that children do best with predictability, especially during times of change. Keeping consistent routines across both households gives children a sense of security when other parts of their lives feel uncertain. Predictable routines help children feel safe and reduce anxiety during family transitions.Simple practices make a noticeable difference. Keeping mealtimes, bedtimes, and homework routines similar in both homes helps children feel more settled. When possible, using the same rules about screen time creates continuity that children appreciate. When I went into foster care aged 10, I started having a routine that I wasn’t used to. A Bedtime, a curfew, rules, do’s and don’ts. Groundings and rewards. I wasn’t used to any of this, and hated the predicability at the time. I thought she was too strict compared to other parents I knew. As an adult, I am more compassionate. I realize that she was only trying to protect me. That she wanted to create consistiency for the first time in my life. She tried to create positive traditions, despite my new family structure. She quickly realized what my comfort items were. Books, notebooks that I could journal in. Video games and consoles. For others these might be comforts that travel between homes. For me it was my escape in a home.
Effective Co-Parenting Communication Strategies
How parents communicate after separation has a major impact on children’s adjustment. Children should never be made messengers between parents or exposed to adult conflicts. When parents argue in front of children, it creates divided loyalties and emotional distress. Helping children adjust without being biased is difficult but neccessary. In my experience, the communication was poor. Firstly, my mum left without warning and my Dad was left to pick up the pieces. There was no communication, although between the ages of 6 and 10, she would pop up very rarely. My Dad was left to raise me, as best as he could, with a little help from my child-minder and family. However, my Dad wasn’t big on communication. We didn’t talk about feelings. We didn’t express the way we really felt. Then, when he met my stepmum, there were no clear boundaries. The lack of boundaries meant there was a toxic environment for everyone. For my Dad who was in a coercisive relationship with his wife. For me who had to deal with daily abuse and neglect. Later, as I went into foster care, and social services found my mum, there were other issues. Helping children adjust when there is trauma is hard. When the trauma is repeated it is even more difficult. I was love-bombed by my mum, sometimes had rumours spread about me, and on top of this, she was a compulsive liar.
She never spoke about my Dad respectively, and in fact tried to cause issues between us. She claimed he had a gambling problem (he was tight with money), and that he was abusive. Numerous well substantiated reports showed she was being untruthful. This goes against what good communication and boundaries can do for a child dealing with trauma. After all, I noticed she was not speaking respectfully about my Dad, even when I wasn’t in the conversation. I very quickly noticed negative attitudes, and at times believed them. To help children adjust without toxicity, local families often use UK-based co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents to structure communication. These platforms let parents share calendars for school pick-ups and send message updates that can’t be edited after sending. Parents usually agree which app suits their needs and update the calendar weekly allowing each household to stay informed about activities without constant direct contact. This approach can reduce face-to-face exchanges where conflicts might arise. While this wouldn’t be relevant to my family dynamic, I know so many friends who would have benefitted from this growing up.
Building A Practical Communication Plan
Establishing a straightforward communication framework helps both parents and children feel confident about day-to-day arrangements. Although there was a lot of uncertaintity at home, and at school, my foster mum tried to create security. She had a calendar where she would list my school events and health appointments. She was organised, and taught me how to have accountability in real-life scenarios. While we struggled to always get on growing up, I am grateful for everything she did now as an adult. While she was strict, and I didn’t agree with everything she did, I can see why she made those choices. After all, she had many concerns about my wellbeing.
There were times where I was skipping classes, even though I loved school. Specifically classes where I had to partner up with someone. While I had friends, I was treated badly by them. I was often picked last, and sometimes was on my own. I felt burning humilation, and after a while began avoiding it to save that hurt. My foster mum, didn’t understand why I was reacting like that and thought I was trying to rebel. The communication between us at this time often led to arguments, so I felt excluded both at home, and at school. However, on reflection, punishments I was getting at home was trying to help me confront the issues I had head on. A reminder that bad things can and will happen, and we have to be OK with that.
In other ways, her communication plan for me was smoother. When my Mum came into my life, she became a messenger, setting up visits, and teaching me how to take transport on my own at a young age. I learned how to be comfortable travelling, and also to navigate new family dynamics. In turn, they would communicate together. However, instead of open and honest communication, my Mum would lie or exaggerate, trying to break down the relationship between us two. They would share observations, but it would take a while until my Foster Mum realized she was lying. It would have been better if my mum was more cooperative and had my best interests at heart.
Helping Children Express Their Feelings Appropriately
Whether you are helping children adjust to seperation, death of a parent, adoption, or a new family, you have to act with tact. After all, many children struggle to put their complicated emotions into words during family changes. For me, I would tell white lies to protect people who didn’t deserve my kindness to avoid conflict. I downplayed the extent of the abuse, and throughout my life pretended I was OK, when I wasn’t. I was taught that crying was weak, and that asking for help, meant seeking attention. I was able to regulate my emotions, and because of that still have a lot of baggage to this day. I thought being upset and asking for help wasn’t appropriate. Now, I don’t see it as weakness and encourage others to tap into their emotions. I believe that parents can help by gently starting age-appropriate conversations about what’s happening.
For younger children, simple yet direct explanations work best: “Mummy and Daddy will live in different houses now, but we both love you very much.” Or ‘Mummy has died but she is free from pain’. In my instance ‘ You are going into foster care, but you can see your family if you want’. By being direct you remove confusion. Being vague might seem kinder, but children need clarity. Add to the equation that I am neurodivergent, and I need even more explanation. With older children, they may have more questions and concerns about how the seperation/ divorce/ loss/ new family will affect their daily lives. Creating a safe space for these conversations, without pressuring children to talk before they’re ready, helps them express their feelings at their own pace.
Building New Family Identities While Honouring the Past
Whether you have parents that have seperated, are in a toxic home, or have dealt with the loss of a parent, building new family identities can be tricky. Parents need to honour the child’s past, and help them understand how families can change. After all, as a child I would have benefitted from reassurance from my loved ones, to help me understand what I was going through. Let’s say you are a parent who is divorcing your partner. I think it is importantly to speak positively about time spent with the other parent. However, be honest.
You might think kids are not old enough to understand but give them more credit. Noone likes being babied, or being lied to. Wording is important, and what you say can impact a child years down the line. If the other parent has done something bad, and the child understands, it is OK to be honest, as well as age-appropriate. As well as this, many families struggle with apprenhension, jealousy, and frustration when dealing with ‘another home’. In my instance there was a strong divide between my Mum’s home and my foster mum’s. After time away, having my mum as a constant prescence felt like a blessing. Yet she would lovebomb me, lie and tell me my foster mum had said bad things to her about me, and even spread rumours about me.
As I got older, I realized she had ‘false positive rituals’, where she’d try and buy my affection with material things. Communication was surface level, and there was no maternal instinct. My foster mum however, while she wasn’t understanding of my mental health at the time, she did show ways that she cared. After seeing me in a Primary School prize, she realized I had a talent for musical theatre. Then, she enrolled me in a weekend Stageschool, and supported my dreams. She brought books, and writing supplies. Brought games she knew I would love. She would encourage me to help her, whether that was cleaning the house, looking after other foster children, or even gardening. These positive rituals helped ground me, calm my nerves and lower my anxiety. Add to this, the discovery of foster siblings, step siblings, and a new parental figure, it was a lot of turmoil. After all helping children adjust means giving them time to become comfortable with these relationships. Introducing new family members gradually, without pressure to form instant bonds, allows connections to grow naturally.
Age-Appropriate Ways to Explain Family Changes
I mentioned being open, yet honest with children. Helping children adjust is about understanding that children have the emotional capacity to know the truth. Granted, learning how to balance being age appropriate with honesty, is a hard skill to master. For example pre-schoolers need simple language focusing on what remains the same. They need concrete explanations about where they will sleep and who will take care of them. When I was a pre-schooler, I was overcoming abandonment from my mother, navigating playgroup with trauma, and being raised in a single-parent household. If there were conversations around the changes experienced, I don’t remember them. So would have benfitted from regular check ins to make sure I am OK.
After all, helping children adjust, can be as simple as reassurance through physical affection which helps them feel secure even as things change. I wasn’t given a lot of physical affection like hugs, kisses, and cuddles from certain family members. I also wasn’t told I was loved often, which meant I had little emotional security. Granted, I was shown love in other ways. But as someone who needs affirmations for validation, it would have been nice. For primary school children, honest explanations help address their need for clear answers. Many children in this age group focus on practical questions such as where they will live and how their school might change.
When I was in Primary School, I was dealing with abuse, bullying, and a toxic home environment. I had a new ‘parental figure’ and a sibling on the way. I wasn’t taught to share questions. I was often shut down, dismissed or shouted at. It felt like I didn’t matter. They wanted me to be voiceless. When you engage your primary aged children in honest conversation, you teach them healthy communication boundaries. You show them they can speak up, and explain how they feel. With kindness and compassion, a child with trauma can really flourish. Tell them you love them. Give them room to speak. Show them you care what you think. For teenagers, it is about respecting their views while inviting questions.They may have strong opinions about the situation and need space to process their feelings. Teenagers also benefit from some involvement in planning their schedule between homes.
As a teenager, I was still dealing with the aftermath of a painful childhood. Yet, I had new issues to deal with too, particularly at school. I was bullied almost everyday, even by people I considered were my friends. I had very little friends. I was awkward, defensive, and had a strong shield up. I was breaking rules, to avoid other conflicts. I was cutting class, and for a short period even shoplifting, after being encouraged by my mum to do so. On top of this, I was back in contact with my mum, was only able to talk to my Dad on the phone, and struggled connecting with my foster mum and her family. I wish I realised that no matter whether you are a child, a teen, or adult, events like abuse are never your fault. You are still loved, even if it is isn’t by traditional figures. As a child I blamed myself for being abused, for acting out, for being left by family. In reality I needed that reassurance that I was OK. That it wasn’t because of me. Helping children adjust is never easy. But having patience, and learning to understand more than one side of the story can really help.
How Do You Help Children Adjust To Trauma?
Let me know in the comments below if A. You experienced trauma, loss, seperation, abuse, or neglect. Or B. have a child, or know a child that has experienced the latter. Share your guidance on how you have been helping children adjust to pain. What has worked for you? Have you tried any of these tips?
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