What does a photo mean to you? A memory caught in the spur of a moment, a thousand captured memories or the chance to reconnect with old faces and remind ourselves of the people we loved and lost, alive or dead. Because when I lost all my photos my heart skipped a beat and I crumbled and fell. It is just a photo you argue but I think otherwise. I had photos with people that I no longer called friends and I wanted to keep because it reminded me of the past. There were photos with people I attempted to build bridges with but no longer wanted to know. It was one of my best friends birthday the other day and all the memories we have shared have been lost. We-or rather she- no longer seems to be my friend and it hurts. I never did anything wrong and apologized for anything I had done but no apology was made on her part. She said she would be there for me but she never was and the funny thing was she was always there in the past. But since university has been over I have noticed that only a few people had kept in touch and most of the ones who promised to be there are gone and busy with their own lives. It hurts me to admit that I feel lonely but it is all my own making, I freeze people out because I am too scared to get hurt and I let people tell me things are my fault when I know they are not. Why the hell do I do this? I am a strong woman I know I am but sometimes the sadness gets too much and I get stuck into the past once again.
When I am positive I remain in the present but when things get murky I am stuck wallowing in self pity and I hate myself for it. But it doesn’t take me long to bounce back into positivity; this week I have had heart breaking news that I cannot disclose at the moment but I was racked with gut wrenching sobs crying my eyes out into the dusk of dawn. As the brand new day emerged I was down but felt more positive and by the afternoon I felt happy. The next day I was depressed again and sometimes a small thing can set it off and I feel like I have no control.
I have f***ed up so many times and I am bound to f**k up again but I wish that people could be as forgiving as I am. I have lost count of how many times I have forgiven someone only for me to mess up and be in the doghouse. This particular friend of mine (if I can call her that anymore) says she still wants to be friends with me but lies about working when I ask to meet up and tells me she is ‘so worried about me’ but shows behavior of not caring. I know I have new friends now but do they know me as much as the others knew me and the answer is no they don’t.I have been hurt to the point that I can no longer trust someone as fully as I did before, I don’t tell people when I am sick because I am afraid I will be called a drama queen, I keep my problems to myself because I feel selfish if I burden someone with my problems and I say I am ok when I am clearly not. I have gotten to the stage when I no longer know who I can trust and who will backstab me because lets face it in the last year I have had three people I used to call best friends either backstab me and accuse me of things I had not done ‘A’, used me and freezed me out ‘S’ or decided they didn’t give a s**t anymore ‘T’ and it stings. I am not the luckiest of people when it comes to love or friendship but I will survive, I always do and I know that despite my severe insecurities and perception of self there will always be people to cheer me on. Life is not all negative but when the grind gets me down the anxiety is unpalatable. Despite how much I have shared on my blog there are still so many issues that I will not share not now not ever. But for all the secrets I keep locked away there are three times more that I am sharing with you, my readers.
A lot of the anxieties and fears that I have shared on my blog I never explicitly share with my friends and its because I know that they will read this and it will show them a deeper insight into my mind that I could not possibly communicate in person. I find it easier to show how I feel through the written word than in person. If you asked me on here if I was ok I would tell you the truth but in person I would clam up because I am worried you may judge and have bad words to say about me behind my back. Because lets face it, it won’t be the first time and it certainly wont be the last but that is life for you. They say you are at your most creative when you are down and they are right; already just by writing this 1,000 word post in 20 minutes I feel so much better. Writing gives me perspective and teaches me to look on the bright side. As much as I am going through a lot of terrible personal issues I am grateful that there is a rainbow at the other side. It is the bumps in the road that gives us the taste of life and someday I will look back on all the bad things I have been through and joke about it. Because if I don’t laugh I will cry and I don’t want to cry again…
Are you afraid of F****ing up? Are you willing to admit you make mistakes?
Photography-Jumanna Khanom Skirt-Miss Selfridge Top- Lily LuluWatch- Elie Beaumount Sunglasses- Forever 21 Rings & Bracelet- Coconut Lane
Great read. A blog is a great way to communicate how you are truly feeling
I think it takes a brave person not to worry about F*ing up. but I do admit to making mistakes. I think the important thing is to learn from your mistakes
A blog is a great way to voice your inner emotions without facing them head on with someone. Especially as you are reaching a wider audience as well, one that wont judge, will read with empathy, and offer an ear. x
I feel for you, I am also not very good at keeping friends and I’m never sure why that is. But don’t be so hard on yourself. Really! You say you have f***ed up but it’s not all on you, I bet. Best wishes.
My mummy has only used our blog a couple of times as an outlet to vent the way she feels. Its not really the right platform for her, however she agrees that its important to be open and honest about your feelings and communicate with love ones regardless of the means.
I have f***ed up numerous times in life but think it’s part of life and that it actually takes a bit of courage to admit to f***ing up!
Everyone makes mistakes at some point and it’s important to learn from them
Making mistakes is a part of life that most people forget happens to everyone. Thanks for writing about this. It’s something that needs to be talked about more often.
I recently owned up to the biggest mistake of my life, the part I played in failing to recognise that my unborn son was in trouble ad consequently died. I am very honest about my mistakes, sometimes too honest, and I am naturally very hard on myself. I admire anyone who can admit that they f***ed up, on whatever scale that is. xx
I am scared of screwing up – I hate it when people are annoyed with me or feel let down by me. BUT it still does happen from time to time and I just have to try hard to make amends and get through it.
Great post, I think it’s natural to mess up every now and then. It’s called been human – We all can’t be perfect 24/7 haha! xo
We all f@#k up. I’m guilty of eliminating people out of my life without cause or reason unfortunately. One of my favorite quotes is, ‘When you know better, you do better”. BTW I LOVE your outfit in the pics.
I love the title and your pictures as always.
The post is great, it makes me think about myself. I always fuck up too, unfortunately. But that’s just us bein human!
Glad you feel better for posting. As much as it hurts, I think there are times where we have to accept that some friendships are not what we hoped they would be. We all make mistakes, I’ve made my fair share. If friends cannot forgive or see your side of the story then I guess that is their view. There are other people out there who will give you their time 🙂
I’m not afraid of messing up – it’s human nature. It’s how you deal with it and how resilient you are that matters 🙂
We ll F**k up once in a while it’s how we deal with the aftermath that counts. Sorry to hear you lost your photos, we did the same when my little man broke our external hard drive. I am hoping a company can salvage them for us.
I don’t tend to worry about messing up as I think things happen for a reason, I will apologise if I’m wrong but my general course of action is just to move on and not give negative situations any brain space. positive thinking gets me through my tough days.
I definitely worry bout f**king up I know its something that happens to everyone at some point but my anxiety doesn’t help. When I do mske mistakes I do own up to it though.
I definitely worry bout f**king up I know its something that happens to everyone at some point but my anxiety doesn’t help. When I do mske mistakes I do own up to it though.
Such a great post, I think that it is important to mention you f**k ups really, even if they aren’t good at the time they make you the person you are.
As I read through your post the only thing I could of think of was “She’s saying exactly what I feel. How does she know what’s in my head?” It’s true .. I can relate to missing the friend who doesn’t want to call you anymore .. and take on things that I know aren’t my fault. I also so understand feeling comfort in the avenue of blogging .. there’s something about writing it out. Maybe because you can make a declarative statement that will live on forever without a rebuttal or any sort of back and forth. Thank-you for your words .. I needed to hear them today
Great read, Ana. We all mess up, it’s how we react and respond that counts 🙂 Interest thoughts on the photographs – i never took much with my friends when i was younger but i’m not in touch with any of them and don’t miss them, regardless of how close we once were. The telephone works both ways.
I’ve always found it much easier to explain my feelings through words. Face to face I often let emotions get the better of me. I also find it incredibly cathartic to write everything down, and it often clears any negativity I might have been feeling.
We all make mistakes. Mistakes are important in our learning process. It is not something I am really worried about.
We all make mistakes, it is part of life and we have to make them to learn from them. Hope you sort things out with your friend
I thoroughly enjoyed your blog post. It’s so important to humble ourselves and understand that we are human. We make mistakes. Admitting them is the hardest part but going forward, you can grow in maturity and understanding of yourself. Writing is SO therapeutic and that’s why I also write too. I sincerely pray that your wounds are healed and that you find people who will value, celebrate and empower you. 🙂
I worry about making mistakes all the time. I worry when there isn’t even anything to worry about. I agree writing is easier than talking, I love to vent on my blog!
No one is perfect and from time to time we will all make errors and mess things up, par for the course of being human. Something to learn from x
Don’t worry about getting things wrong or the people that can’t accept that we are all human. You are showing more strength of character by being honest!
Everybody makes mistakes – and there’s so much to learn from getting it wrong sometimes. It’s really great that your blog helps you work through your feelings, just writing it all down can have a really powerful effect can’t it.
We all do it at some time, over big things and little things, f***ing up is a fact of life.
We all f**k up every now and then none of us are perfect but as you said not everyone is as forgiving.
Everyone makes mistakes, it’s important that we learn from them. I hope you sort things out with your friends.
Everyone makes mistakes so lets move past them! I remember a quote and it read ‘a clever person is able to get out of a tricky situation and a wise person doesn’t get into them’ unfortunately I’m not that wise… haha
Everyone makes mistakes. But come to think of it, mistakes how us hidden fault lines in our lives which can lead us to more productive arrangements.
Sadly, fucking up is just part of life. It happens to us all and although at times it may be hard to move on from mistakes, we at least have to try. I’m sorry you lost your photos. As someone who’s so passionate about photography and capturing memories, I can totally understand how shattering it must have been.
Everyone makes mistakes lovely, we are all only human. Hard when friends don’t think of it the same way. sending hugs x
I suffer from anxiety and did not truly admit it until I became a parent, plus if I’m honest looking back I’ve had it for years. What I can say is that those who are supposed to be friends who I in still that fear and anxiety in you, are not friends. I had to find that out the hard way. I am also so happy that you have been able to find an outlet in your blog to express how you feel which enables you to see the brighter side. Xxx