I was never one who dreamed of having a fairytale wedding growing up and in fact was quite the opposite. I opposed the idea of ‘marriage’ because I believed that you didn’t need a piece of paper to prove that you loved someone. I saw marriage as a ‘money trap’ but as I grew older I realized that my opposition against marriage was because of how A. I had never been in love, B. saw how disastrous the majority of marriages had turned out in my family and C. was never taught to see marriage in a positive light. With the exception of my dad, my uncle and my distant cousin, marriages were violent, damaging and dramatic in my family. Even the marriages that have stood the test of time have been a ‘loveless’ or dramatic match, especially in my father’s case, we all know how that turned out. But I digress, at this moment in time I still can’t see myself getting married but I no longer fixate on the negative connotations that have indoctrinated my personal beliefs. I have been a bridesmaid and a guest of honour at friends and family weddings and have enjoyed watching people bless each other with all the love that they have left to give. In short I’m not opposed to other people getting married, it’s just I can’t see myself ever getting married.
It’s a strange predicament to have. Growing up my biological mum had always been obsessed with the idea of marriage and the reason why her relationship broke down with my father, when I was 2 (1/2) was because he was not ‘ready for marriage’. After all, my mum was 18 when she got pregnant with me, 19 when she had me and my dad was 21. Eventually at the age of 25, she married my step sibling’s father ‘Z’, while my dad married my abusive step mum at the age of 27. But I pity them both; my father is married to an abusive woman and my mum is married to a man that she never loved in the first place, all so they could both get their ‘dream fairytale ending’. Except in real life, fairy tales cease to exist but we are loathe to admit when we are merely dreaming. My aunty on the other hand had an abusive marriage, yet like most cases at the time, the abuser in question was never punished for their crimes. My aunty never married again, although she was close to with the father of my cousin P, until she caught him cheating on her while she was still pregnant. Again, my foster mum has not been with another man, after she divorced her husband more than 20 years ago and that is ok. After all, its better to be single and happy than in a loveless marriage, especially when you have kids too.
I have witnessed marriages turn sour and see the children get caught in ceasefire, all the while thinking, the most un-selfish thing to do would be separate. It’s not fair to bring up children in a toxic environment by any means and if you are staying in a marriage just to be civil for the kids, chances are it will make the situation 10 times worse. I knew someone who was married and every day their kids would see their parents fight and argue, until one day the children upped and left, as soon as they were old enough to get their own place. The parents are divorced now but it took them a long time to realize just how bad it was to stay together for the sake of their children and in fact have a better relationship with their children as adults than as kids. But not all marriages are as ‘crazy’ as they are in my family; my distant cousin for example is a beautiful reminder of how amazing marriages can be if you have found the one.
They met as childhood sweethearts, have two beautiful girls and a baby boy on the way and have been married over 10 years. What started as loves young dream has blossomed into a beautiful partnership: sure they bicker like crazy and pick fights over who did what, but like any marriage, they ‘talk things out’ and deeply understand each others point of view. They are soulmates and it warms my heart every time I see them together because its evident that they are still madly in love with each other as they were back then. It warms my chilly heart to see marriages that stand the test of time because in this day and age, divorces are on the up and even couples who have been together 30 years are still calling it a day.Imagine though, to find someone who you know completes you and you want to spend the rest of your life with? That must be a truly special feeling indeed.
But what are my thoughts now? I grew up in a culture which was resolutely Catholic, my heritage is Portuguese and my parents are from Madeira. In Madeira people marry young and very rarely get divorced, while careers are very much gender-orientated, with little room to escape the ‘glass ceiling’. But here in the UK, I was brought up first by my parents, who were Roman Catholics, then my dad and stepmum who were Catholics and finally my foster mum who was an atheist .
From the ages of 12-13, I briefly called myself a Muslim, after getting in touch with my biological mother who converted to Islam, but by 14 was resolutely an atheist and still am to this day. I have been brought up around religions which believe ‘that marriage is necessary’ but when I was old enough to have my own independent voice I realized that no matter who I meet, whether they are a soulmate or not, I can’t see myself getting married and that’s ok. I have never been the person who envisioned her wedding day because crowds make me anxious. I never dreamed of a perfect wedding dress because I’d worry about how much money it would cost. Most of all, if someone ever proposed to me, would I say no? Chances are yes I would, not because I didn’t love them, but because I don’t need a marriage to prove that I love someone.
And That’s Ok.
What Are Your Thoughts On Marriage?
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Hi there lovely, you’re speaking my mind!!! I’ve never ever wanted to get married and luckily in my long-term relationship we have same views on the subject and made it very clear from the start. However, what makes me super angry is the society- we are modern, tolerant and open-minded, however, each time when someone hears how long I have been in a relationship they ask whether we’re getting married. And each time I say “no” all I can see are sympathetic looks and nods as if I was ‘that poor girl even her boyfriend doesn’t want to propose to’! I mean, let people live their own life the way they want without any judgement! Xx
my mom and dad were married for 8 years, they liked it but they weren’t in depth loving with each other. they are good friends to this day.
Thanks for sharing, at the end of the day marriage isn’t for everyone. I’ve been married(relatively happily) for 5+ years and it’s been a constant learning journey just like everything else in life.
I totally agree it isn’t for everyone and people need to just respect that everyone does it differently.
While many still believe that marriage is the ultimate status to attain and dream of their wedding and subsequent family, it no longer holds the absolute significance it has for ages. Regardless of your religious beliefs or background, more and more people are coming to the conclusion that the institution of marriage is not longer necessary in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. Provided love is there, surely that is the main thing for any relationship to survive and thrive.
Girl, I feel you. I have roughly a similar story to yours. My father is out of the picture and my mother had another marriage then divorced again. Now she is in and out of relationships. Fortunately when I moved into my godmother’s house I was able to see a happy and fulfilling marriage where they my godparents talked through things and still loved each other. I wanted to dismiss marriage altogether, but I wanted that love too. I know I’m not going to rush and get married as quick as my mom and dad did when they were 19, but I want to. I don’t want anything fancy, maybe something small will make it seem less like “marriage”, but more a concrete commitment to affirm our love for another. If that makes sense.
Well.. we all have different perspective – and it might be base on how and what experience in life. For me, marriage is commitment that two people needs to work on, continuously in order to be successful.
This was a very honest post and I appreciated it. My parents got divorced when I was a teenager and it definitely made me look at relationships differently. However I still love the idea of marriage and a wedding, I am just more careful in who I’ll pick to spend forever with.
You are such a wise lady. Love is the important part, marriage is essentially a piece of paper. Xx
I always dreamed of getting married when I was younger, and wanted to be married before I reached 30. I am now 38 and still not married, haha!! To be honest, I can’t be bothered with it all. I am happy in my relationship of 13 years, why do we need to get married now? Thanks for your great post again Ana x
When I was younger I never wanted to get married. I thought it was a waste of money for just a piece of paper. My outlook on love was a little tinged due to growing up in the care system too but then I met my partner and my opinions totally changed. I wanted the commitment, the name change, the declaration of love and everything else that comes with marriage. I knew I wanted to devote myself to this man for the rest of my life and here I am.. a bride to be!
I would love to get married, but I don’t like the ceremony bit, I don’t like being centre of attention and Ash isn’t really into the idea at all so for me it probably won’t ever happen.
I feel the same about marriage, not sure if it’s for me. Also, girls are taught to keep marriage in mind from a young age and to plan their life around marriage and babies..I find it so backwards.
And you’re right, you don’t need to get married to prove love.
It’s funny how our views on marriages change as we grow older and like yourself my views have changes because of the opinions I’ve formed from marriages around me. Coming from a broken home myself I’ve grown up seeing first hand what a damaging effect some can be and that always put me off. However now as an adult, that opinion has changed in the form I think maybe they could work out if I ever found that ‘special person’ but reality is I’ve been enough relationships to know that’s a hard task. Do you really need a piece of paper to declare your love for somebody?
Marriage is a tricky topic for me. Personally, the probability that I will get married is very low. But I know my dad wants me to get married. The marriage he is in with my step-mom isn’t the best, but he’s sticking with it, I guess because of— I don’t know. It’s true though. Us kids get caught in the crossfire.
Such powerful and thought-provoking ideas of marriage! I grew up surrounded by broken marriages too, but it isn’t the paper that makes a marriage…it’s the relationship. All relationships have trials and difficulties. I learned not to compare my marriage to others, or there will be times when I’m convinced that my marriage will fail like so many others. Not true! Every relationship is different.
I’m a divorcee but I still love marriage even though it did not work out for me the first time. I am not the type to have a long long term relationship and never get married. I would choose single life over this every time.
I understand your views on mariage. I guess the model set by your parents have a huge influence. My dad proposed after 2 months of relationship and they are still together and having a lot of fun. I would not get married but for the right reason. Which would be love and happiness and as long as I don’t have this with a partner, no wedding. xx corinne
What an honest and straightforward post on your views of marriage. I appreciate where you are coming from, your history and the realization you have come to with age. Marriage certainly isn’t for everyone, and I agree that many are not the fairytale they are pretended to be. But I too can appreciate those who do have strong marriages and those who desire to get married one day. Certainly it should be the individual’s choice and no one should ever be forced to get married.
Whether married or not relationships can still be toxic. Most people get married because they want to commit to each other through the good and the bad. However, it’s everyone’s own decision to make that commitment. I think the reason marriage isn’t as valuable as it used to be is that of those who pressure the younger generation to get married. I’m not married but I would love to get married one day my question is how is it any different from just being in a relationship. Idk I’m just rambling great post!!!
I am fairly religious, however I don’t see myself getting married. At least not anytime soon. So I see where you are coming from.
I got my take on marriage from my grandmother. She always said, “I would never divorce your grandfather. Kill him, yes. Divorce him, no.”
Marriage meant everything to me first time around, at 23 I truly believed that it was forever. When that marriage ended I swore I would never marry again. My second husband never been married before and really wanted it, and believed in it, and somewhere along the lines I did too. I never thought I would though!
I am very fortunate to have my parents as role models. They are devoted to each other and have been happily married for 67 years.
Like you Helene, I have been married twice (try not to let others know) but keep my parent’s role model in my heart.
It’s sad to think people get married just for the sake of being married and stay in toxic or loveless marriages for the same reasons. I came very close to getting married once (got out just in the nick of time haha!) so I’m not against it but I don’t think it will happen now.
I am married, so I am totally for it. I have found a person that I love and enjoy spending the daily activities with. It is joyous!
My parents have been married for 30+ years, so I’m all for it. I’ve been married for 16 years now. It’s NOT easy, I’ll be honest, but I am grateful for my husband. We’ve known each other since high school, so we’ve grown together, which is nice.
Hi Faded Spring,
Your honesty is refreshing. I grew up not wanting to be married because my views on marriage were similar to yours, no one had a good marriage. I did not know that I originally wanted marriage in my life until I was in adulthood and someone told me it was my dream. I am now married for the 2nd time and am happier than I’ve ever been. I married for love.
I am a big fan of getting married and totally love the idea that you are making it official to the world that you plan to be together forever. I think its probably because I come from a broken home and never had the experience of having my parents together that makes me want it so bad.
Good for you. I remember saying I’d never get married and truly believed it too! Here I am now, married for almost 8 years and I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂 x
I got married at the age of 22… Been with my wife for 7 years now… And I can tell you one thing, it really isn’t easy. I don’t know why, but it completely changed our lives… Almost instantly.
I sometimes think that I might be a bit weird because I am not planning a dream wedding, I don´t know how my dream wedding (if money etc. was no concern) would be, I don´t even know what my dream dress is…
Oh girl I totally get you, though I actually do want to get married, now a days it’s not even about the whole big wedding. I would pick a good significant partner in life vs a big wedding anyday.
I don’t see the point in marriage. To me, it’s just an overpriced party. If you love each other why is it necessary to get married. Does it make it more real? I don’t think so. I am with the same man since 10 years and I don’t feel like getting married and so many judge it without even realising. “You will get married when you are ready.” Has nothing to do with that. Some people just do not see a need for it. It’s just a ceremony based on religious background.
My thoughts on marriage are kind of mixed, I’ve always thought I’d love to get married and I still think that but only if I’m marrying for the right reasons and it’s how we want it to be x
I was never one to dream about getting married when I was younger. I didn’t grow up around religion, and I also saw marriages not working so it just didn’t really appeal to me. Now I’m older, I’m still not fussed about the whole thing but I think that’s mostly because I know now how expensive the wedding day is, and I can think of many better things I’d rather spend that much money on!
I really believe in marriage, but I often think others just get married for the sack of it of for the big celebration. I marriage takes work and commitment and for some I think it’s just not right for them, but others it is.
As always, a refreshingly honest post from you Ana – and I’m sure you’ve encapsulated the thoughts of many reading it, myself included. I completely agree that it is better to be single and happy than married and unhappy – and although my parents are still married, sometimes I doubt their happiness with one another. It’s for that reason too that I can never really see myself getting married xx
I come from divorced parents so I don’t have a great belief in marriage. I think I probably will get married one day, but not until I’m older x
I think stories like your distant cousin’s are few and far between these days. I rarely believe anyone marries because they are truly head over heels for each other anymore. My fella works in a family photography studio that offers wedding packages. Some of the stories he has of the couples – everyone sounds completely miserable. Personally I see marriage as a simple legal document. When you’re old and grey, it ensures your spouse gets the financial support they need. It looks good on paper for getting a mortgage. It really is just the legal side that’s appealing.
Sometimes I think marriage is like an investment and insurance. Both parties must be mutually agreed upon and since this contract. Which totally makes sense. Sometimes when you are too much emotional, we forgot the most important part — being wise l.
Until I met my wife I wasn’t getting married. It wasn’t on my radar at all. Thing is, getting married was the best thing I ever did. I know it’s just a piece of paper (which was my thoughts initially) but now I see it as so much more. I have a partner, a by law partner…we are a team and a bloody good one and I honestly have to say I would recommend marriage to everyone.
I like the idea of marriage, I think it’s the best arrangement for a couple from many points of view. That piece of paper has its importance, if it were not so, no one would strive to demonstrate the contrary.
Until now, I haven’t read any really strong argument against the institution of marriage.
Every relationship has its ups and downs, but I’ve seen that people that are not married give up more easily to their relationship than those married. And usually, married people go more often to marriage counselors than unmarried couples.
Reading your blog made me realized that we’re of the same life story. My mom got pregnant at 15 (dad is same age as my mom). They rushly get into marriage but ended when I was 2 1/2. I may say that my mom and I dont believe in marriage. It’s just a piece of paper to tie your neck around. But anyone is entitled to his/her own opinion about marriage.
I definitely feel like the whole wedding/marriage thing is very traditional but if you are getting married because that’s the norm and it’s what everyone else does, then I would question if I’m being true to myself. For me marriage is such a wonderful moment and celebrates love and friendship. It’s not just an excuse to wear a fancy dress and pay thousands of pounds for one day.
Marriage takes commitment and hard work, but in the end as you say, it’s love that truly matters…married or not 🙂
Interesting insights. One thing I didn’t really expect until I got married myself was how important that level of commitment can feel, completely regardless of any religious aspect. But then, I definitely didn’t get married “young” either – I was 28 and my hubby was 30 🙂
Your sharing is so helpful for my elder sister who also supposes that marriage is a ‘money trap’. I am under 20 and she is nearly 30 but not get married yet. I think each people has their own opinion but in my view, marriage is one of the most important event in the life and it’s worth respecting and protecting it, altogether. Thank for your post, hope to see more next!
I’ve never really thought about marriage seriously before. I have been with my partner for 4 years now and starting to think about it and I do want that. I think it really depends on if your find the right person. But it’s fine if marriage isn’t for some people 🙂
I’ve been happily married for nearly 10 years now. I also never thought I would get married when I was young but was so happy to change my mind.
My marriage ended up in a disaster. The sweet, caring, sensitive man I was dating showed his true color when we got married. He was a slob, a momma’s boy, a financial leech who had no desire to find a job. I was in a relationship pretty much described as “Living alone together.” I packed my bags took the kids with me and left. Not a single penny was offered for child support. I was fortunate that another man, with the kindest heart stepped into my life and became the dad my kids never had. We have been living together for more than 10 years now. We do talk about marriage, but it is never an issue if we don’t get married. Being together and loving each other enough is just fine with us.
I am married so I think that in general, there are a lot of positive that can come out of any marriage. My advice is: Don’t let other people’s failures affect your view. Your life is what you make of it. Just let go of your fear 😀
I loved reading this post. I never knew you had a Portuguese heritage. I have experienced bad marriage and good marriage and my view of marriage has changed over the years too. Funny that at the moment I am writing this it is my wedding anniversary! Angela x
Marriage used to be so sacred. But times have changed and people started doing things for all the wrong reasons. I came from a broken family so I can fully understand where you’re coming from.
I am happily married and must admit that all marriages have their ups and downs but if depends on the individuals, if they want to make it work they can find a way or else it will not be a happy ending.
I completely feel you on this. Marriage is one of those things I just dont see myself getting into. I have faith in love and other people seeking marriage and support them. But ive never needed marriage to define me.
We have just celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary and like anything marriage is all about give and take and ups and downs but we are very happy and I think being married makes you work harder at a relationship
I vowed i would only ever marry one person , i ended up marrying my best friend and now 9 years later we also have 8 wonderful kids .
Marriage is like gambling. You never know what you’ll get! Loving someone is easy but sharing your life with someone is quite difficult as one needs to do a lot of adjustments and sacrifices to make the things work between two people. Whether it’s love or an arranged marriage, every relationship has a testing phase! The most important thing is compatibility between two people!
Marriage is such a complicated thing to discuss. Not least of which because I had one of my own that didn’t turn out too well. I suppose I can argue that it was because of the person that I chose and not because of the institution. I have seen many happy marriages in my family. I have also seen many difficult ones. And I cannot sit and argue about what kind of love is good in them, and what kind is bad. I do agree with you that marriage is not the proof of your love for someone. But I do think that I would like to say I wanted to commit to someone in the future and marriage is the perfect symbol of that commitment. Maybe I never get to that point again and never get married. Or maybe I find that perfect person and we do get married. I am not opposed nor am I seeking it out either.
I saw how my parents were to each other and I wanted that to myself, hence to me, marriage is a gift from above when of course you are with the right partner. Yes, it’s not for everyone!
Great article as always and you are right that you don’t need to get married to prove you love someone :)x
You sure opened a Pandora’s box for a lot of people. Marriage exerts a toll and demands to be heard. It takes a lot of effort and blinders once the honeymoon phase disappears.
i’m another one that isn’t in to the idea of marriage. for me, marriage is a religious act anyway and since i don’t practice religion, i see no need for it.
Never say never, my dear. After I left my abusive first marriage, I swore “never again” That is, until I met my (now) husband. Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s something truly special about weaving your life together with someone else’s. I too have seen examples of beautiful marriages, and while they certainly look effortless, I guarantee they too have had more than a few dark nights of the soul. x
I agree with you on some points. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and I understand why some people avoid it. Getting married is expensive, and filing for divorce is expensive too. However, getting married is going to set a good example for the kids to learn about commitment. Marriage is like a double-edged sword. It is either wrong from the start or years of wedded bliss.
I grew up seeing only negative examples of marriage, but that didn’t put me off at all. I just made sure to wait before getting married. My husband and I were together for 11 years before we got married and we have been married for 6 years now.
I think marriage is great if you are happy and want to commit to someone forever. However, I’ve not had a relationship long enough for me to think I would like to get married one day.
xx
I have no problem with marriage, my problem is the wedding (we hate being centre of attention) and having to change my name is a major source of contention. Chris and I have made promises to each other in private, he is an atheist but I am Christian so a church would never be appropriate.
I own views on marriage have changed over my time. I used to want to get married, didn’t have expectations or wants, but thought it was something I did want to do. I was actually engaged at 18, and suddenly became scared of it all, ended the whole thing, broke his heart and ran off with my own idea of life. A few years later, I met someone else. We had children. It wasn’t great though, and I reluctantly agreed to marry him after an awkward proposal infront of a whole room full of people. But I didn’t follow it through, I ended it. I swore to never marrying. And got on with my life. Then quite out the blue, I met a man who was so different, and so natural that I knew I wanted to be with him, and the best thing was, he didn’t want to marry either. That was until he proposed! And this time, I wasn’t scared, or pressured. This time, it was about us. And it felt right, and we did it our way. We have a good understanding of eachother, which is lovely. It isn’t perfect, but nothing ever is. Just glad I made the roght choice and not one that was made for me, or one I wasn’t happy with.
Hmmm………this is a testy topic for me at the moment. After been married for many years I am now going through a separation and I never thought in my wildest dreams two years ago that this could happen. I didn’t have a perfect marriage (who does?) and funnily enough it was me who wanted out in the end. I still am not 100% sure as to the reason but I was stifled and now I think I want to be single. Life certainly goes on …..and being married isn’t a passport to happiness……..we are all responsible for out own happiness………
When I was younger I always said I did not want to get married as my parents divorced when I was a teen and then I single for many years. However, my partner recently proposed and I am now planning a wedding as I know he is ‘the one’ and we have been together 5 years and I like to think we will be together forever. Like you I am not at all religious so we will be getting married in a country house instead of a church and we are having a day that suits us rather than a traditional day that suits other people xx
I always thought and hoped I would get married. I’m from a traditional family where most adults I know are married (happily that I know of). 17 years in, I love that Mr C & I are married to each other. I know we are incredibly lucky, especially after reading your stories. I have no advice but would urge people to have an open mind about whether or not to get married – sometimes it is just wonderful x
This is is beautifully written….Interestingly, I was just talking about getting married and at what age with my friends, and the one thing that came to light was that we were all scared to make the wrong choice.
I really don’t like when people think there is one path to everyone. All relationships are different. Myself, I’ve been in a relationship for almost 9 years and sometimes we do talk about the marriage but it’s not so important for both of us at the moment. I am getting so annoyed when people keep telling me that it’s already time to get married!!
This is such a pretty dress and the colour suits you so much! I was okay with getting married but just didn’t want to get married too soon until at least I completed my studies, post graduation to be more specific. I’m now married and a mom too and am after my sister to get married but really don’t know why she isn’t agreeing on it.
Marriage is definitely not for everyone. It is sort of a double edged sword; a good one can dramatically improve your life, while a bad one can dramatically hinder it. What ultimately matters is the partnership between the couple. Personally, I believe marriage is a good thing overall, but so is volunteering to build low cost housing in developing countries; both can make you a better person if your hearts in the tight spot, but neither is something everyone needs to do.
Great post!
I agree that marriage isn’t for everyone and certainly in today’s day it shouldn’t be a necessity though as you say many cultures still think it is. You take a big risk financially/emotionally etc when you officially tie the knot so it is definitely something not to take lightly.
I agree with you, I think that marriage is so overrated and when you see all the disasters happening around you, it does really change your mind about that fairytale white wedding. Marriage is just a piece of paper, an expensive party which most of the people can’t even afford and then a headache when it ends and you need to split the assets. I believe that if two people love each other they can live without the paper. 🙂
I’m married myself but can totally see why others may not be interested in getting married. After all, for some people it simply is just a bit of paper. Marriage isn’t for everyone and that is ok.