I was a young girl, torn apart from her parents and plunged into the realm of the unknown. Born into a broken home, I found myself constantly searching for a home to call my own, afraid to mark somewhere as mine, when so many things had been taken from me. I was raised by a single dad aged 2 (and a half), childminded until I was 4, abused by my dads wife E until I was 10 and raised in care until I was 18. Is it little wonder then that in the space of 5 years I have moved 8 times, in search of my forever home, only to find my dream had never existed in the first place. You see I saw my life through numbers; my age was not a milestone but a memory of what life once was. But do I regret the abuse, the name calling and the scars? Not one bit, you see despite what people may think I am a warrior and nothing can tear me down.
Calling myself a ‘victim’ as many might identify me as seems to be sorely lacking a phrase. After all I am not a victim but a warrior, who overcame ‘life’s obstacles’ to become the strong person that she is today. I was so hell bent on self-loathing, that I forgot to see what was right in front of me; a woman who YES made mistakes and YES doesn’t always make the right choices but ultimately I am a woman who battled childhood abuse and that’s an achievement in itself. There were times where I hurt myself to numb the pain that I was feeling inside, there were times that I felt so dead inside that I contemplated whether life was really worth living and there were times where I imagined a world without me in it- would people really care? But still I pushed on because despite the trauma I was suffering from, the anxiety and the depression, I knew that there was more to life than the pain that I was feeling.
The hardest part was pretending I was happy when I felt like I psychically couldn’t breathe. My stomach was tied up in knots and all I could imagine were the various ways that I could end it all. I wanted to stop that buzzing sound in my head, the one that made me feel crazy but somehow I made it out the dark fog alive. No one knew the way I was feeling and even I didn’t know that I was suffering from anxiety and depression until I went to university. I had convinced myself that I was ‘Okay’ and was just being a drama queen like people would tell me I was being. I didn’t know that I was crying all the time because I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions, nor did I know that not being able to talk about my past was affecting me physically as well as mentally. When I started blogging, I found my safe haven, a digital space where I could share and connect with other abuse survivors who had endured horrific childhoods but had made it to the other side just like me.
I realized that I wasn’t crazy nor was it weak to show my emotions like people had once told me. Instead I realized that our scars and internal wounds should not be disguised but worn as medals of honour because we are all warriors, we are BRAVE. When people call me ‘young’ or tell me I wont understand something because of my age, I disagree. I had to learn how to be an adult at a young age in order to survive. I was bullied, abused, tortured and made fun of on a regular basis. My foster mum gave me a home and a shelter away from the abuse but even in care I went through hardships that affect me today. No matter how old you are, young or old or in between, you should never be made to feel like you are worthless. Abusers make you question your own self worth; they tell you that you are stupid or ugly, they make you want to crawl back into the darkness. But listen to me, its ok to fight back, together we can raise awareness of childhood abuse and become the warriors that we have always been.
I don’t want anyone to grow up feeling the way that I did;unloved, unwanted and undesired. But I can tell you something that is true, you can make it out alive. My foster mum taught me to appreciate life’s small ‘blessings’ and my aunty taught me to be strong but the biggest lesson is what I taught myself: I am strong, not weak and it was a mantra that I repeated to myself over and over again. There are still dark periods in my life where I struggle to overcome the demons that watch my every move, where even stepping outside the house makes me feel angry and I don’t know why. But for now I take each day as it comes, whether it be rainbow bright or full of uncertainty, I know that each day will teach me something new. And that is a beautiful blessing to behold…
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And look at you now – you have so much to be proud of. I’m so glad to hear you call yourself a warrior, and a triumphant one at that.
Ana, you look absolutely stunning first of all and, secondly, the way you took life lessons and grew stronger from the abuse and constant search for a home that didn’t exist is definitely incredibly admirable. So glad you shaped into a wonderful person despite the difficulties. xxx
Child abuse in my country is very bad and children end up being worse……. I would be a good example to the abused children in my country….. m proud of you.
It is always better to learn from and build on life’s struggles than to let them hold you back and you are a perfect example of why. I know how tough it can be to overcome the things that have broken us in the past but you are so right, those things are what turn us into warriors.
Ana, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you are amazing. You are one of the strongest, inspirational women I have come across and I admire you for being so honest and open, and for refusing to allow your past to define you. You are so right, you are not a victim but a warrior, I’m very proud of how far you have come. Xx
I am really sorry you had to go through with this. However, guess what? We rode the same boat in life. My ex husband was evil. He physically and emotionally abused me and my children. I got out of the relationship feeling like a pot of poop. Thankfully, with the help of my parents and siblings, me and my children survived that awful chapter in our lives. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. And yes, it did turn me and my children into the finest warriors in life. Hugs, Ana!
A warrior is a great term to use. I think sometimes we need to see the bad things to appreciate the good and I know from experience too
You have so much to be proud of – taking the warrior attitude must make such a difference at how you approach your past. A warrior is definitely what you are!
You should be so proud of how strong you are and how you have stayed a warrior in the face of so much trauma x
You have been through so much – way too much- for someone so young. You are amazing and strong.
This is indeed really personal and I do agree with you when you say you are brave! You are indeed really brave for sharing your story with others and not victimize yourself which requires incredible strength! Well done on you, you’re beautiful!!
I have no idea what I can say to this, except for well done for becoming stronger!
Our childhoods mark us for life and no matter how tough we pretend to be, our souls carry the deep scars the ones who were supposed to love us unconditioned left. Coming from a broken family and a violent childhood I understand you perfectly. We were forced to mature at a young age and take life by the horns when we didn’t even know what life was.
You have been through so much, and you’ve over come and become this wonderful young woman full of purpose. I’m so glad that blogging was a way for you to connect with others that have lived similar situations, and a way for you to get your story out.
;( You made me cry, Anna. I feel you and it took me a while to understand why you have to go through with this. I just realized, what you are right now was formed from your past. And honestly, you are a great person. Thanks for the great inspiration. I believe in you. Keep up!
My grandma always used to say, “When the going gets tough, the tough gets going”. I cannot possibly imagine what you would have felt all those years. The loathing, the fear, the guilt, the hurt, I cannot fathom the effects it would have had on you. But all that struggle had made you strong and look at you today. I don’t know you personally, but I feel proud of you. I am happy that you defeated all that in your past and emerged as you said a warrior. God bless you!
It’s especially hard to overcome the such damage to your self worth from such a young age. You are a warrior Ana, and how wonderful that you are young and know this.
Wow such an amazing post you have such an incredible outlook…so many people identify as victims after going through such trauma (our brains are after all hardwired that way) but you are an absolute inspiration! x
My childhood was not as difficult as yours but I do have some bad memories that I keep to myself. I would call you a warrior and a sister who will overcome.
As a young woman you have been through a lot. No one should ever have to go through that and struggle. It definitely made you the strong woman you are today.
This is such a great message. It is important to know that when the crap storms in life happen, we have to choices. We can let it rule us or we can rule it. Good for you for picking the latter. Keep fighting lady! Show the world what you are made of.
Wow, you are so beautiful inside and out! I’m sad that you had to endure that, but you are definitely a warrior. Thanks for sharing your story!
I think you’re so brave to share this story with us. It must have been so hard for you but hear you are, so successful. You can be proud of you. Life has not been as hard on me and I am yet to be a warrior but life still taught me some lessons 🙂
Yep, a total warrior. And you should feel proud about it because it takes a brave person to step out of the shadows after that kind of abuse.
I love how you turned your darkest moment into a learning life lesson. I to refuse to play the victim card, as that is too definitive and not who I am at all. Thank you for sharing your story!
You are indeed a warrior. Ana you are a beautiful person inside and out and you should be proud of how far you have come Missy! A true inspiration 🙂 x
My eyes are overflowing with tears after reading this. Your traumatic childhood has not dampened that Warrior spirit and I pray that you will always be strong and conquer the little molehills and mountains that sometimes come up in life.
I must say child abuse is the worst thing that should never happen in the life of a child. This can ruin his personality. It is good to know that how you have turned yourself into warrior. Motivating.
Getting through something so traumatic sure is an achievement. It’s admirable that you write about what you went through as I m sure it really does help others. These things are said to make you a stronger person and it does sound like you are x
You are most definitely a warrior, look at all you have managed to achieve, you really are an incredible women.
You are a warrior indeed. And you are super strong too. Well done!
I hate that anyone would ever abuse a child. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I know you’re inspiring and motivating other people who went through the same thing now though, so at least there is something good coming out of it.
Wow your’e so inspiring! A traumatic experience can lead to so many awful things and I’m so glad you took your negative experiences and used it to fuel your drive to become the person you are 🙂 I hope you continue to share your story!
I think the average person can’t even imagine what it is like to be in foster care. It’s just a totally different childhood and I imagine it makes you grow up really quick. I always had a home as a child, though I was abused. I think we all find our own way to healing. I’m glad that blogging has been therapeutic to you.
You’re a brave woman for fighting the battle you had to fight and I respect you even more for letting others know your story. There is likely someone out there feeling the same emotions who you are helping through yopur writing, though you might not know it. “After all I am not a victim but a warrior, who overcame ‘life’s obstacles’ to become the strong person that she is today.” Love that quote. Keep on staying strong and moving on!
I don’t even know what to say. I guess I should start with saying that you are absolutely amazing, strong and an inspiration! I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through that, but it’s great that you are opening up about it to the world. I am sure there are some people who will find their own strenght from reading this. Definitely worth sharing!
I’m sorry you had to go through this. But I am glad that it made you a strong person. You should be so proud. You’ve turned into a remarkable young lady.
What does not kill us makes us stronger, right? You are so brave to share your story. Hopefully someone else will read it too and be inspired to live a hopeful life as a warrior.
Look at the woman you have turned out to be. You must be very proud and happy. I am so sorry to read that you had to go through that in your life but Im so very thankful that you can motivate and inspire others that have been through the same. True inspiration.
It’s usually up to people how they’re going to see the challenges that they’ve been in life and I’m glad that you think of it as something that turned you into this strong young woman that you are. That’s the best way to look at it instead of allowing yourself to drown in the sadness. Thank you for sharing your story as well, you’ve always been an inspiration, Ana!
I am so sad that this is your story. That this is one of the reasons that you are the strong person that you are today. I’m in awe of you and your perseverance. It’s easy to give up, to give in to substance and to become an abuser yourself. I am truly happy that you are so strong. Thank you for sharing your story and empowering others.
You are so brave to share your story Ana and you have turned into such an amazing woman who inspires many others! You are definitely helping people see there is happiness after difficult periods xx
I have seen so many people accepting anxiety and depression as a part of their health problems and not fighting against it..this post is such an inspiration! You are one strong woman.
You have definitely been through so much. Mine wasn’t through childhood but through a marriage. It’s amazing to see ho you’ve used it to be a conqueror and not a victim.
I’m so happy you were able to overcome the past experiences you’ve had and blossomed into this beautiful woman you are now.
Keep shining Ana!
You are a brave and beautiful girl Anna. Surviving is the biggest victory and sharing facts about our dark lives is more than that. I appreciate your guts. You are really a triumphant. You have a beautiful soul.
Oh girl I’m sorry you had to go through that but it made you such a wonderful and strong woman. Your story resonates with me so much and I truly believe that the universe gives us hard times because they know we can handle it. Keep being stong you warrior!
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, they say. Glad to hear you’ve come from such a negative background to be the inspiring person that you are. Keep up the great work!
It sounds like you’ve overcome a lot to be where you are today and it’s great that you are not using your upbringing as an excuse for failure but as a reason for success.
I’m so glad you identify more with being a warrior and not a victim. It’s amazing that blogging has helped you so much.
I feel like a warrior for raising my daughter on my own, she’s 14 now and does really well at school, is super sporty, so well behaved and is just a lovely person. I’m so proud I’ve been mum and dad and done such a good job with her.
You have achieved so much despite what you have been through. Kudos to you for being a warrior!
You have gone through so much Ana but have come out the other side a strong, and powerful voice for those who are too afraid to speak up. Your posts are powerful posts to read and will no doubt help those going through what you have. As I mentioned on IG, I’m glad your foster mum and aunty were there to help you become the wonderful woman you are today xx
Yes, one day at a time. Just live life and be happy. Keep grounded and stay strong. You are such an inspiration.
Abuse is never easy to overcome but it looks like you have taken this negative and, through a lot of hard work (and it IS HARD to push through depression and anxiety), used it to see your own inner strength. Sharing your story helps people. Keep writing!!
Ana, you are such a beautiful, courageous young woman. You are indeed a warrior! It breaks my heart to learn of your past suffering. By sharing your story here on your blog I know you are helping others who have experienced similar chaotic, abusive childhoods. It allows them to feel they are not alone and there are definitely better days ahead as long as they believe in themselves and find the strength within.
You’re actually such a strong and inspirational young woman. You are the voice for all those voices who fear speaking up, you are the face for all those faces who hide in the dark in fear, you are the person that are brining to light issues that need to be shouted about on rooftops!
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You’ve crated a very strong personality. I’m very impressed. We are only humans (women). Men have a different structure of brain [LOL]. We are humans and sometimes keeping positive attitude all the time can be really exhausting. That is what I’ve faced last weeks.
Ana, you have a beauty inside and strong mental attitude. Each of us have a different journey. You’re becoming a role model with your attitude! So proud of you Hun! Kisses :-****
I’m so sorry for what you went through, but I’m glad that you can view it from how strong it’s made you! xxx
This is a fantastic post! Thank you for sharing 🙂 I volunteer at a child advocacy center and I can tell you that there are a lot of people rooting for child abuse victims (or warriers!) to keep fighting 🙂
just look at you, you are definitely a warrior, coming out strong. you’re an inspiration and i love that mantra.
A truly beautiful post, that cannot help but give hope to many. You are indeed both strong and brave x
You’re such an amazing lady, look at everything you’ve achieved!
I am sorry this happened. I am proud of who you are.
Ana, did you ever notice how many famous singers had terrible relationships with their fathers? Bono, Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen, Chris Cornell, James Hetfield, Dave Mustaine, the list goes on.
You are so inspirational! For what you’ve gone through, not everyone can look at life in this perspective. Therefore, it just shows how strong you are 🙂
Jessica | notjessfashion.com
What a wonderful story of triumph! I commend you for not giving in to the norm and being that “victim” and working so hard to become the amazing person you are now!
You are so brave. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure you will inspire many!
It’s amazing how you can come out the other side and find the strength to show others you can overcome your abusive past. I know this post will help others who are experiencing similar challenges.
I teared up reading this. I swear that we are twins or sisters separated at birth. I feel SO connected to you as we have been through some similar things. You are absolutely remarkable! I think you are amazing sis!
I admire you so much for sharing your life experiences, Ana. You are such a strong person and I’m sure you don’t regret going through what you did because of how strong it made you become. There’s so much positivity in you and that’s what the world needs right now, to be honest.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It must have been hard for you, but I am glade you grew up to be so strong and confident.
I really do admire you. You have been through so much but look at how you are shining now. It is so sad that you had no place to call home. I can not imagine how moving 8 times in 5 years would feel like, but it is heartbreaking. You are special Ana, always remember that!
(Not sure where you are spiritually, but here’s what’s on my heart after reading your post) I too have been to hell and back (a number of different times). I came out of it with a pull on my heart and in my spirit, I can feel I was destined for something far greater than whatever my circumstances may have been. I have no idea what that might be, but it’s there, none the less. What I know for sure? The people that God wants to use, he tests them first. He needs to know you can cut it when the going gets tough. The harder you’ve been tested, the greater the mission later on (tuck that seed away somewhere, one day you might need to use it) xx
You life lesson not even make you stronger, It makes us stronger as well. I just love to read about challenging stories. Thank you for sharing.
Reading your post makes me sad knowing what you have gone through. But what I love is what you have become after all those that has happened to you. You have grown as an amazing and wonderful woman.
Wow… this post was gut wrenching. To share this pain and hurt is really to see that you have evolved as a warrior, and certainly not taking the road of victim. You are gorgeous, and you are living the best version of you regardless of your beginning.
You are remarkable and an inspiration. When I read things like this, I feel guilty that my childhood was great. It wasn’t until about 20 years ago when an injury left me disabled that I had to learn to love through pain and hardships and I think it helped me to become a better person.
You are a hero. You have been through hell and found a way out and that is really amazing because not everyone does.
I am always amazed how far you have come from all of your difficulties. I know that I haven’t experienced the same thing exactly in my life. But when I was married, my ex would undercut almost everything that I did that was for me, and perpetually made me feel worthless. I was always so focused on pleasing others and ultimately I found out I couldn’t live like that. I can only live and be happy with who I am and what I do. And whatever anyone else thinks about that shouldn’t matter. You are definitely a beautiful warrior who has made it through so much. And you have a ton of life ahead of you. I am just happy knowing you are around in the world and making the world a better place. It is a far better place with you in it.
You are so honest and open about your past that it must provide a lot of comfort to others that have suffered too. There are so many people who have had such a hard young life and your story is inspirational xx
there are so many people that have been through so much and like you find the strength to take every day as it comes and push forward!
well done lovely keep pushing
Your blog has become one of my favourites because I find you so inspiring. Do go through so many difficulties that no child should have to face and achieve the things you have is truly remarkable. So proud of you.
I am sorry to hear about everything you went through, but I am glad it made you a stronger person! 🙂
I am really sorry you had to go through with this. Your story is inspirational. You have turned the negatives in to positives in your life! hats off to you!:)
So glad you were able to find your safe haven through blogging to be able to share your story and hopefully help others in similar situations. You are a warrior!
You are indeed a warrior, like they say what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. It’s so good to see that despite your hard childhood you were able to become this great and amazing person, who is inspiring and helping others who have been through same. Thanks for having the courage to share your story it’s really inspiring.
In life we gain strength from the darkest times.
You have truly shown that you are a Warrior and you haven’t let this hold you back and break you! You are shining through your blogging and your blog is one of my favourite blogs out there! It’s nowhere near what you’ve been through but dealing with inner demons of Anxiety which cause debilitating Physical health issues and being bullied most of my life by school-peers and in to my Adult life have made me stronger and I hope to help people through my own blogging. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re so inspiring!!
Ellie | http://www.scotchandstilettos.com
It’s crazy how life’ s struggles make us who we are today. I’ve endured some truly hard times and it’s odd to see how it’s changed me for the better. It sounds like life did the same thing to you. It made you a fighter.
I’ve always found your story to be so so inspiring and it’s amazing that you haven’t let all these negative experiences get in the way of your success. I hope your blog continues to thrive and be a useful outlet for you!
Ana you truly are amazing. Well done for writing all this down. It will help others for sure. You are such a strong woman x
I’m so sorry you had to go through such a horrid time 🙁 You have so much to be proud of now & I love the term warrior as you truly are one!! x
Ana you continue to amaze me. Your blog serves as proof to so many kids in your position that survival is possible. You’ve come so far and you should be so proud of yourself.
You’re such an inspiration Ana! I really admire how you share your stories and raise awareness.
Thank you so much for sharing this, it takes a lot of strength and courage to write what you did, and, from reading the comments, it seems like a lot of people are taking strength from your words. Not to mention, it seems blogging has turned you into even more of a warrior, and for that I commend you. I look forward to checking back in!
My life turned me into a warrior just like in your case — childhood, bullying si not as bad as everything that happened to you though 🙁
But that’s my story and this is what basically kept me on track, I often believe that this bullying could be a blessing and a curse at the same time, I wasn’t able to pick up any toxic behaviours from any peers as I couldn’t!
Look how far you’ve come. You are an amazing human being, and definitely a warrior. You are the bravest, most inspiring person I ‘know’!
I’m sorry that you had to go through such a turbulent childhood. I have been through some of it myself so I can attest to the way it changes you as a person.
Ana you’ve come so far so you should be 100% proud of yourself and what you’ve achieved. And the thing is, you’ll continue to grow and develop and rise in success especially if you allow your inner warrior to thrive. Good luck x
What an emotional story . So brace and you are here to tell the tale ❤️
You are such an amazing strong woman! So glad you opened up about this, hopefully others will be able to speak up as well xxx
Well, what doesn’t kills you makes you even stronger. And it also takes courage to accept it in this platform. Such an inspiring story.Stay strong! Good things are on your way
First off I just want to say I’m sorry you had to go through so much in your past. But I’m so happy that you were able to become a strong woman. That is always a plus. I like that you had the courage to share this post with all your readers. It’s such a strong read. Stay strong!
You are indeed a warrior, your story is inspirational, you had to go through these bad phases of life but i’m glad that you found a way out and that is really amazing because not everyone does.
Thank you for open up and share a piece of yourself! I have already told you told this, those clothes you are wearing does fit you because not everybody can wear that and look as strong as you do!
Be strong but let yourself to be vulnerable now and then. We all need to feel like a baby bird once a while just to spread the wings and fly away.
Darling, you are right, you are a warrior! You used all that pain and those demons of the past and you now pour it in your blogging. Sharing personal stories I know for a fact that they can be very difficult and I would like to say that you have moved me with your post! Keep shining and just like you are already doing, keep it one day at a time!!
While I can’t directly relate to your experience, nor can I claim to relate as much as I might try, you have certainly come through with shining colors, ready to tackle any obstacle that comes your way. Hopefully, you have inspired others to do the same.
Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations and respect for the life you have made for yourself. I also had a difficult childhood and lived in an angry place…the Troubles in Northern Ireland.
It took me some time as I got lost in addiction, but I have also now carved out a new life for myself and working on some writing and photography, my passions which got lost for a time.
Beir bua agus beannacht; victory and blessings.
Love from Ireland.