Why No Means No
Picture the scene, it’s a cold summers night and you are walking down a dimly lit alley. Your heart starts racing, your mind goes into overdrive but still you keep walking, hopeful that your outfit wont attract comment for the second day in a row. The clock strikes midnight and you hurry through the alley, aware that at the end of the tunnel is light and hope. But you are ambushed, 5ft from your home there are a group of men laughing among themselves as they look you up and down with slavish desire. Aren’t you a pretty little thing they say. You say nothing, it’s a rhetorical question and you have nothing left to give. You are mute in terror, like a deer in headlights as these strange men look at you like they want to pounce and ‘feast’ upon your innocence. What do you do?
They ask you personal questions. Where do you live? Where do you work? ‘None of your business’ you manage to choke out, scared as their leers turn into glares. There is nowhere to run to, but they come closer and closer, their hot fetid breath clouding you with undisguised interest. They want to force themselves on you, they believe that you are vulnerable enough to say yes but you prove them wrong. I choose no, You choose no, you don’t want to play their silly little games but they grab you, rough hands grip your fragile arms. You know that they can crush you if they choose to but still you say no. You will never say yes again, you will never let those who try to bully you into submission see you sweat. Eventually they let you go but for nights after you see their faces in your dreams, terrified that they will come for you again and silence your no with a yes.
For a while you are safe from the leering men, inconspicuous in your disguise. But then it begins again, a cycle of men who go out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable. You become a victim of sexual harassment, men trying to manipulate you into having sex with them. You speak to a landlord, a professional you are meant to trust. He turns nasty, begs you to sleep with him, he calls you a sexual slave and tells you that you ‘have to entertain him’. He calls you in the early hours of the morning, you block him but still he calls. He tries two other numbers posing as another person, hoping that you are gullible enough to fall for it. But you are not and you catch him out, he is a cold-blooded pervert, not 25 like he claimed. You act fast , inform the police but they do nothing despite the evidence. You show them the messages, the calls and the texts. They laugh in your face and you turn away defeated, knowing that yet another man has got away with it.
Do you remember the men who cornered you, told you that they were going to take you away with them, you said no means no.They didn’t care, you told them that you were under age and it was inappropriate. They leered and peered into your haunted eyes, they weren’t going to take no for an answer. You were another pawn in their sex game, too young and vulnerable to speak up. No one believed you, noone cared, noone bothered to listen. You are older now but the men still lurk, like flies circling a dead mans corpse.There is a girl, a mirror image of you at 14. She looks afraid, sat next to a man who is touching her up. You look around… noone does anything. You stand forward put yourself between them, that girl will not be a victim.
His breath is fetid on your neck, he shouts abuse at you. You stand strong, the young girl behind you, shaking like a leaf. He comes nearer, he calls you names, reaches into his pocket. You are afraid but you don’t show it, the crowd watches the game play out. He grabs your neck, tries to strangle you and you struggle to break free. Will you be another victim gone to waste? No! No means no, leave me the fuck alone. You escape his grasp he changes, shrinks into himself. Says sorry, begs for forgiveness, he sees the bruises on your neck, change of heart. You accept his apology but you never forget. The crowd turns and praises you for your heroism, you don’t feel like a hero. You feel sad, no one tried to help, noone stepped in. You could have died but still no one did anything.
You wear a midi skirt, feel sexy and empowered. Men call you names in the street, tell you that you what you are wearing will get you raped. You turn startled, angry at the pigs who blame women for being victims of their own rape. You rant and rave, dip into dangerous territory, defending your right to speak up. You tell them that what you wear does not define a man’s sexual behavior, does not give them the right to speak such evil words. Their eyes are bloodshot, they are high and drunk. You run in heels, aware that they begin chasing you down the street. You find it hard to breathe, find it hard to run. They are catching up now, you can smell their scent. These are no thugs but criminals, masterminds at exploiting young women at night.
They say you are disgusting, that your legs should be hidden, your bum is too big your chest too flat. You shout back enraged, you find a clearing and hide, they give up at last and you sigh relief. You hear them whistle as they work, can I have your number? No means no, what the fuck is wrong with you. They tell you to ‘get over your mood’, you will do what they say, claim that you bewitched them into harassing you. If you didn’t have a ‘big arse’ we wouldn’t have a problem would we? You swallow your retort, these men are killers, cold hearted scum who want to see you 6 ft under.
You and your friend are at work and become tired so you both stop to sit. A man comes up to you both, looks into your eyes. He looks at you in disgust and turns to your friend ‘you’re beautiful …so beautiful’. She is uncomfortable, squirming under his leering gaze; it’s invasive. He asks us both personal questions, what are you doing? Where are you going, where do you live? Your friend says nothing, you speak first. None of your business, no means no. He gets angry, the questions become more personal, calls your friend beautiful again. You tell him to stop and leave you both alone, his eyes turn red. “I am not talking to you shut the fuck up I am talking to her” he cries, it’s clear that he is high and drunk. She steps in and says he is making her uncomfortable. He takes no notice, I repeat my words stand my ground. I feel ugly, he never called me beautiful, is that how everyone sees me? I don’t feel beautiful seeking validation from a man who repulses me. But I feel jealous, disheartened at their being no validation. He goes eventually my friend thanks me. I say ‘he’s right you are beautiful’ , so are you she replies. No, no I am not…
Have You Ever Been A Victim Of Sexual Harassment?
In light of the #metoo campaign, now more than ever it is so important to speak up and speak out. We are not victims but warriors. I urge you to not judge those who have been hurt and don’t claim to know others ‘life stories’, instead be compassionate and aware of others because without your encouragement and support they may never have the courage to speak out. No matter what industry you work in or what you are wearing, no means no. If you have not given your consent, no means no no matter what the circumstances are. Don’t ever pressurize someone into doing something that is against their will , don’t force yourself upon someone who says no and above all don’t put someone else’s life in danger to satisfy your own fantasies. Do the right thing; if someone says no, don’t silence their no with a yes. Accept that no means no.
Resources On Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault and Sexual Harassment
Victim Support: Statistics On Rape and Sexual Assault
The Survivors Trust:National Helplines
NHS: Help After Rape And Sexual Assault
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No means no, full stop. I’m sick of the attitude that some people have – you shouldn’t have been dressed like that. You have the right to wear what you like without being attacked by scum.
Powerful read! I can’t imagine what it must be like. It changes your life and how you see people, trust and what you want I do etc x
I agree no does me no and there is no other reasoning that can be given and nor should you ever have to explain x
What a powerful post, it’s shocking that in this day and age people can’t wear what they want without fear of sexual harassment x
Really powerful stuff, an emotional read – this is the kind of experience no woman should ever have to endure. No matter what you wear, or how you act, there’s no excuse for this kind of behaviour and the victim blaming and shaming that goes on is truly dreadful.
I have never been a victim of sexual harassment and it saddens me that so many women have been x
No means no and that’s it’s. Women should be free to wear what they wish without the worry of attitudes and advances of others. What powerful read.
It is inexcusable that this happens, but sadly it does and no one deserves to be treated in this way. The tendency for people to say, “Well, she was asking for it” and blaming the victim for these types of acts needs to stop. There is absolutely no excuse for woman to be treated like this.
Very powerful post! no means no its as simple as that. Far too much victim blaming and judging going on
Extremely powerful and so very true – I have been the victim of sexual abuse which happened at the hands of the man who promised to love and protect me – my own husband. Sadly no didn’t mean no to him. It will never leave me, will haunt me yet I do raise awareness to other women trapped in an abusive relationship.
Thankfully my mummy has never been a victim of sexual harassment, but it must feel scary and worrying. Thanks for sharing you experience, hopefully it will make people experiencing it feel stronger x
Why people blame women is beyond me. It’s simple enough but the problem is getting the message across to an over excited individual.
I agree. Also I think the sexual harassment occurs in all sexes, but the topics always focus only the women. It shouldnt be happen to anyone and all ages. Should be no tolerance.
i hate how whenever we say no, it means nothing. then we get the blame for not saying no. ridiculous in todays society
No should always mean no. I am so sick of women not being and feeling safe enough to wear what they want to wear! Thank you for this powerful message!
Such an emotional read. No one should have to experience this.
Wow, this blew me away, such an emotional read – I can honestly say I’ve been lucky enough to never be in this position. I feel saddened to the core that so many are.
What a powerful post – I am lucky to say I have never been in a really dangerous situation but I have many times been made to feel uncomfortable and it’s not nice!
I love your dress 🙂
Dani x
No means no. Not maybe. Not eventually. Not with convincing. It is NO! This was such an emotional read. You did a really good job describing the situation and giving so much emotion to it. Well done. Thanks for sharing.
This was a brilliant and touching piece. I love how you talk about what women every day have to go through . With the comments and wolf whistles, and then go on to show how when it happens to someone else we hate but feel jealous as we need the validation. But why? Society as made it ok for men to validate women like that and have made women feel like they need validation. For you information though – You ARE beautiful xx
Nothing like that has ever happened to me, but then again – I rarely go out at night. What a scary situation to be in.
Women should be able to wear what they want without fear – this blame culture is awful. A powerful post x
It really is awful. I don’t even know how we got to this point.
No means no, end of. No excuses. Well said girl, and well said looking beautiful and powerful in that dress!
great read, needs to be more things like this on the internet
Such a powerful read. Harassment can not be tolerated. Thank you for speaking up and being a voice for those who face this and are unsure what to do
No definitely always means no – there is no grey area! As always I commend you for your powerful posts. xx
No always means no end of, this is what worries me with all my kids as girls can be manipulative as well. Hopefully all 3 of them will no that if they are not comfortable they can stick to no and not feel pressurised into anything else. Such a great post x
Thank you for writing such a powerful post. I’m lucky that I haven’t been the victim of sexual harrassment but I know girls who have and have a friend who was raped. No means no. End of, no discussion. There are no excuses for either harrassment or rape, none whatsoever.
This is such a powerful post, no woman should have to experience this x
It really infuriates me, when a person not matter the sex says no, people should understand that! It royally cheeses me off, I was in similar situation many years ago and it is certainly not nice, you feel that yor personal space is violated and in a way it certainly has! A powerful and strong post. On a lighter note, you look absolutely stunning and Spring ready in that fabulous dress my love. xx
I think many women these days have been a victim at one point in their life of sexual harassment. Thank you for sharing your story.
Such a strong post and it evoked a lot of emotion in me. All those awful things that women take for granted, the fear and the harassment. It makes me so angry, especially when I think of my daughters being subjected to things like this. And people question why we need feminism!
Wow! This is powerful writing and an important message. No means no. I mean, duh! Why is this such a complicated and confusing word for some?
It’s a very valuable post! Thank God I have never been a victim of sexual harassment and I can only imagine how devastating that could be for any women. Thank you for saying that clearly: “No means No” and there are no excuses.
The sad thing is that even other women have the attitude that women should dress/look a certain away, otherwise they’re ‘asking for it’. I’m sorry you’ve gone through these things and I hope you know that none of it was your fault x
This made me so emotional, for so many reasons. I don’t talk about it often, but I was raped in my early twenties and for a long time I blamed myself. Thank you for sharing this, such an important message.
This is certainly a powerful message. My favorite quote, which is something I try to live by in every way I can interpret it is “make “no” a complete sentence” by Amy Poehler.
Such a powerful read. I wish more girls knew that its their bodies and no means no. Its so heartbreaking how often sexual assaults occur. Thank you for speaking up.
It’s so sad some people can judge a woman from her clothing, so stupid also! Love the message you give in this post, as a woman I totally agree with you!
P.s. you look amazing with that dress!
This is a really good post. No definitely does mean no x
I’m so sorry that these things still happen nowadays… I would like to find the “secret formula” to stop men from doing these things. I think sharing our opinions is a great way to achieve it x
Anything less than a yes is no. No means no I just wish more would listen. Sounds like a harrowing experience. No one ‘asks for it’. Thankfully my mummy has never experienced this x Hopefully this can help others x
Such a powerful read. It is sad that people stand by and let things like this happen. Why can’t people be more proactive in helping protect others? Especially when it’s apparent they need help!
We should all be re-educating the boys and men that women are to be respected, including no means no rather than telling our daughters not to dress / drink in a certain way etc.
I have been whistled at and talked to in degrading ways by people I did not know but your experience was very disgusting to anyone male or female. This was such an emotional ordeal.
Such a powerful and emotional read. No really does mean no xx
<3 Show me a woman who hasn't experience some form of sexual assault and I'll give you my mini van. I'm sorry for all that you go through. But I'm angry at the people who did this to you and anyone of us ladies in the world.
Such an important message. Why some men do this is beyond me. I’d be appalled if my family members were like this. The attitude of “asking for it’ is ridiculous. No means no asshole. I’ve dealt with this crappy attitude from men (and women) and it sucks. The fact that this is still an issue in 2017 is absolutely crazy and disheartening.
Great article! No matter what you wear, or how you act, there’s no excuse for this kind of behaviour! and no woman should feel guilty because of the way she dresses, and it’s not only about extreme cases like rape but just comments from maybe a boss, coworker that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Oh Ana! What a powerful post. Thanks for sharing!
The more stories that come out, exposing men for what they do and how it makes a woman feel? Hopefully, will make some of them realize their “advances” are unwanted. But we know that most likely won’t happen. If they’ve been raised to think it’s ok? They’ll keep doing it. And with a powerful man in office who boasts about it?
I don’t understand why some men see women as objects or like lesser beings. How does that happen in someone’s head? We’ve all dealt with the harassment
Never to this extent, but when I was a bartender the men who would come in, many of them were just sick and perverted men… I actually had my manager kick out quite a few for being inappropriate with me.
Very powerful and the message is so important. No always means no.
I agree. The need is for a change in mindset. Society is getting corrupt and both men and women are victims of it. The need to is to make this world a better place for all.
This is so powerful. No does mean no. I’ve started to explain it to my daughter. She’s only 10, but still. I want her to understand.
This dress is also very lovely on you.
This was incredibly powerful – strong, but honest. It made me worry about you a bit though, Ana – it feels very personal. If you ever need to talk … you know where to find me.
I have never been a victim of physical sexual abuse but verbal sexual harassment yes. It is sad, scary, pathetic and more to know that this happens to so many women each day.
You said this all perfectly! Nothing that we wear makes it acceptable for a guy to be a perverted piece of crap! That is just an excuse for them to act as they want. I hate that way of thinking! Those situations are so scary!
It’s heartbreaking to read but it happens everyday to different women and in different places. Some won’t even end well. It’s the kind of society that we live in, where we’re blamed for dressing the way we want. It’s the rape culture that they’ve been encouraging for years. It won’t end soon but it’s good that there are women taking a stand.
Thanks for sharing such an important message; speaking out and raising awareness is essential. No means no but its a shame that so many people don’t listen and take this in. xxx
I love that women are more vocal these days when it comes to harassment, although we still have a long way to go in that part. It’s a “man’s” world that we’re living in and it’s going to take some time before that mindset changes. I really hope though that this harassment will eventually stop. It’s really disappointing to hear women tell their stories, it breaks my heart that they have to go through this.
Such an emotion story and beautiful written. I could imagine everything you wrote down here. We should be able to wear what we like and go where we like. No means no. Sorry to hear you had to go through this 🙁
I’m legit sick of people who don’t understand that no means no and yes means yes. Both ways. Like people always seem to presume they know better than I do. Such a thought provoking and touching article Ana, as always xx
What a powerful post. Fortunately I’ve never been a victim of this although I have been followed a few times so who knows what could have happened x
No always means no, I hate that this is still a thing! Women (and men) are not objects for anyone and ultimately everyone gets the choice to say no and I hope I never have to encounter anything like this because no one should!
I have two boys and it’s such a responsibility for myself and my husband trying to bring up good men. All the men you mention were children once, where did it all go so wrong?
Powerful article, No has always meant no, but disgusted at how society is has evolved blaming women for their own rape is not ok ever! There is no excuse of any kind from anyone to not accept that no is no
Yes, I have been harassed. I do not know how to narrate that moment anymore. One of my loved ones did not believe me. When I read stories like yours, I feel sad and become a bit anxious. I worry for other women who will experience bad things. I have become very cautious when I go out because that is all I can do to be safe.
Beautiful dress. I’m sorry you went through all that. Girl you have not had an easy ride. Thank you for writing this. xx
Every night out I come across some drunk men who try hard and even harder when I say I’m not interested and get too touchy. It’s disgusting…
I can’t even talk about it without getting angry
If there is one thing I want my sons to know it is that NO always means NO….having respect for other people and their choices, their opinions, is a huge part of humanity and something everyone needs to understand. Thanks for sharing your story!
I’ve been in a situation where the guy actually told me that he thought I was just playing hard to get and literally said, “I thought you meant No means Yes.” I was totally blown away by this guy. I couldn’t believe he actually said that. It was like… the rapist’s famous last words.
Women should be free to wear what they wish without worrying about what others think and their behaviour. I think attitudes are changing but not fast enough
A very strong post and with a good message for the young girls out there.
It really is a shame, but men really are the predators in our society, almost 100% so.
I really think a female self defense class and environmental awareness class should be mandatory for the young girls in school to take.
Such a powerful post! This is why I’m a feminist, and why we still need them. No means no.
this is a very well written piece. I have two boys and a girl and I hope my boys respect women when they are older x
I’m not sure why we still have to repeat that. It should be a given. Yet, here we are, still fighting to be heard. Fight on we will!
Too bad that women are often seen as an object of desire and judged for what the wear and behave. Kudos to the women who are vocal about it but there are a whole lot of them who are even scared to voice it out and seek help.
Such a powerful post. You truly are an amazing writer. No means no full stop and I still can’t believe some people think that means something different x
This story is incredibly empowering. No always always means no. And you should bee able to dress how you like without being harassed!
No means no, no buts or ifs. Great post Ana.
A very powerful and emotional read. The sentiment rings loud – No means No. Anyone forcing you to believe otherwise needs to be told no as well.
This reminds me so much of an interview Terry Gross did on Fresh Air a week or so ago. She was interviewing a journalist for the New York times who covered ISIS. While it’s a fantastic interview all around .. what really struck me was how women were treated. They had to cover everything .. even their eyes. Because the heat there is so awful .. most women can’t even go outside dressed head to toe. The theory? If women showed any skin the men couldn’t help themselves.
Powerful! Some men seem to forget the meaning of “NO”. They feel like if a woman is dressed a certain way they should disrespect her assuming her dress code is an open door. However, I do believe in modest apparel but if the woman chooses not to dress in modesty; it still doesn’t give men the right to be disrespectful.
It is terrible that this happens.. What a person wears shouldn’t mean anything to others. It is basic humanity to treat everyone with respect.
Great topic! I think many women experience some sort of sexual assault/harassment which is horrible!
I love your blog posts Ana, I am becoming a regular reader! This one was very powerful. I always come away thinking about things in a different way
The sad and scary reality for many women unfortunately. I’ve been subject to sexual harassment at work where my boss was believed over me. It took a few more women to come forward (and a legal letter sent from solicitors to the company for being forced out of the job as a consequence) for the head of the company to realise that my firing wasn’t fair or just at all.
It’s sad that women always been a target of harassment, and in some situation nobody really stand up to help or defends the women who are the victims. This post is empowering!
I’ve been a victim of sexual harassment before and I stood my ground. I hate that so many people blame women for their clothing choices or the way they might act, like you say at the end of the day no does mean no! x
No means NO and silence does not mean yes. We live in a corrupt world but we, as beautiful and powerful women should stand our ground and fight for our right. We are not like meat to be consumed but queens to be treated in a respectful and dignified manner.
Wow, this was quite difficult to read, very emotional! It makes me so angry when people say women ask for it when they wear certain clothes, disgusting attitude!
Such a strong empowering post – many men still feel that they can victimise women but hopefully attitudes are changing. It takes someone very strong to stand up to the aggressors so you are amazingly strong!
This post enrages me. What upsets me even more is victim blaming. Oh it’s our fault that men harasses us for what we wear? How about blaming the disgusting men who were never taught to respect women. It’s really heartbreaking.
On many occasions, trapped in a taxi with a driver who refused to let me out, lots of cat calling and name calling. Is there a woman alive who hasn’t been a victim at some point?
Sadly, I have been a victim of both sexual harassment and assault. It’s a hard thing to get past. I don’t think you ever really get over it. It makes me really angry that, in this day and age, there are still so many people that believe that a woman is “asking for it” based on what she’s wearing. I don’t care if a woman is walking naked down a busy street, if she says no, it still means no.
No always means no. There really is no grey area of blurred lines there.
This is such a good read, I guess my emotions goes up while reading this post. I hope that we, women can be confidently wearing what we want and not being scared of what may happen.
I love your dress! Thank you for speaking up about this issue. I have a close friend who is a victim of sexual abuse so this means a lot to me as well.
No definitely means no! I can’t understand why it’s still so hard to believe what no means. Your writing felt so real. Some men feel so powerful when they can force people in front of them.
Very moving story. As far as your last questions, have I ever been sexually harassed? I do not think it got to that point. I remember when I worked for a school newspaper and an Editor was ‘touchy’ in our shoulders. I put a stopped to it right away. I told him blankly I was uncomfortable and reported him with my peers when he tried it again.
Such an important topic that needs attention!! Well done for writing such a powerful post! Sexual harrassment is never okay and I will always be perplexed as to how any one ever thinks its okay!!
I hate that even in 2017 we still have to explain to men why no means no. I’m glad women are rallying together to spread the message of no means no. Very powerful read.
wow – this is powerful and too many of us have been assaulted in different ways and no one should have to endure ANY of it. Parents should start with their kids – boys especially should be taught how to treat people and what NO means. It starts at home.
This was so emotional and so very powerful. There are so many people who have been hurt by people that don’t understand this word.
It’s so sad that we women are still dealing with this today. I’ve never been bothered too much on the street, probably because I put on a “bitch” face, but I have dealt with it at work. It was awful and I ended up leaving the job because of the abuse. It made me feel so insecure. If it happened today, I do feel like I would be better able to handle it though.
People are always trying to blame others for their own weakness. A no should be a no and we should respect each other!
Unfortunately for some they don’t live by these rules. Greater equality is needed between the sexes.
No definitely means no in any circumstance. This is so powerful!
This is such a heartbreaking story to read. We’ve all been there at one time, us women, and it makes me afraid for my own daughter.
We should learn how to say No. We should stick to our guns and don’t let other people intimidate and threaten us.
Another powerful post from you. I’m sure a lot of women unfortuntly can relate to this post, myself included. It disgusts me how some people can’t take no for an answer. On a sidenote, you look absolutly beautiful in the photos and that dress is stunning on you! xo
It is so sad that even in this day and age a woman cannot go about her life without feeling an element of fear for attracting the wrong kind of attention. We have come so far, but there is so far to go for some men. Here’s hoping.
Thanks for sharing!
Leigh at Fashion Du Jour LDN x
a no is a no and people with the imposing ugly mindset even question a women covered from head to toe! its their mindset not the clothes!
Wow so disturbing. Yes, some men are savages that should be locked up. I work in the professional kitchen and sexual harassment seems to be more common than in any other industry. It is sickening.
a very powerful post, small yet powerful word-NO. people better not judge women by what they wear. as individuals we can only sensitize and educate the boys with this idea of what “NO” is . thanks for sharing and cheers
Another touching post. No means no and shouldn’t be taken as anything other than that. When talking about this subject people often think poor women but it can be men impacted too. Sadly it’s type world we live in and some people aren’t right
This is such a powerful post it’s made me a bit emotional. xx
I’m thankful I’ve never been a victim of sexual harassment.
Another hard hitting post with a powerful message! I love reading your blog Ana, you always speak about such important subjects and I’m sure you are giving many women the confidence to stand up for themselves in any number of situations! 🙂
I love this post. It’s a very powerful and important message. No def. mean no – no matter what. That goes for both men/boys and women/girls!
This is such a powerful post to read. No does mean no and no exceptions…ever! I’ve never been a victim of sexual harassment but it really saddens me that so many people have. The culture of blaming women for men’s actions really needs to change.
It is so ridiculous how often we shame women for how they’re dressed. Creeps will be creeps regardless of what a woman is wearing, yet if it’s something more revealing, she gets the blame. I don’t recall ever hearing a man or teenage boy was “asking for it” when they’re harassed.
Wow, it is so sad that women are blamed for their rape. This is why many remain silent and the workplace harassment is the worse. Thank you for such a powerful piece.
I agree: women need to be forthright and strong. No means no.
Wow! Powerful and disturbingly real. As women we unfortunately sometimes have to remember that even if something happens to our body, allowing a scum bag to control the future of who we are is the true tragedy!
It’s sad how society could sometimes have a double standard. However, I am glad that we live in this time, in this generation because we, women are stronger & we’re more vocal with what we want and do not want. So yes – NO means NO.
I never felt that could wear whatever I wanted to, unless I was walking with a group of friends. I guess I lacked confidence back then. Now I don’t give two hoots!
I still can’t believe that to this day women are still routinely harassed. I used to live in a bigger city, and would get cat called every day when I would walk to work. EVEN IN THE WINTER! It is just ridiculous.
How I hope people will stand for other women being harassed. It is just right to make a stand, hide your fear and fight. But it will be much easier if other will fight with you.
This is so powerful! Yes, I’ve been a victim. I still see those faces and hear their voices. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night scared, catching my breath. If only someone supported or comforted me, maybe it will be a lot easier to move on.
No means no. It doesn’t matter who the people are, what the circumstances are, or where they are. Nothing matters except the word no. You have a lot of emotion in this piece. I’m sorry you had to experience all of this.
I have never personally had to deal with something like that. Although I have been put in uncomfortable situations by coworkers that had a sexual nature to it. I do worry for what happens when my daughter grows up and has to face some of these situations and how it will affect her.
I haven’t been, but a friend of mine has. She kept telling the guy no, but he didn’t listen. Thankfully she was about to get away from the situation.
This was such a powerful and emotive post to read. I hate that we seek validation in the eyes of predators, but I’m sure we’ve all been there. Sending lots of love at this time
Steph – http://www.nourishmeblog.co.uk
Great post – very powerful. It’s horrible what some people have to deal with – men and women – when all they are doing is going about their life. It’s not about what someone wears, or how they look. No means no. That’s it.
-lauren
This is actually so beautifully written and so poignant. You make such amazing points within such prosaic writing. It’s so rare to find this kind of writing within blogging, this has actual depth. Absolutely amazing post.
This heartbreaking to read and devastating that this happens to so many women every single day. I’ve been in the position where I have said no but it has been abused, regardless of the circumstances no always means no. I’m so glad you raised awareness of this. xx
I have two sons who are now young men, They are very clear on what a no means. That does nto mean it is negotiation time, it just means no.
It always amazes me just how prevalent sexual harassment is. It seems every day there is a new story in the news about men in powerful positions who have been doing it to women for years. A part of me thinks “how do they think they can get away with it?” and then another part of me thinks “what do we need to do as a society to make it taboo enough that they’ll think twice?” Great conversation, Ana! x
Couldn’t agree with you more. No always means no. Even in a marriage for that matter. There is a big campaign going on in India on the very matter! Hope it reaches many and gets the message across!
Unfortunately these situations happen way too often. It makes me so nervous to send my own daughters off to college. People need to understand that no always means no. I love that you have included some great resources that are available as needed.
Been following your blog for awhile now, you always have such great writing in your longer posts like this. I suppose I am insulated from it, firstly being a man, but also not surrounding myself with men who would ever act in such a way. The more stories I hear from female friends, cousins, and stories like yours the more I worry about this next generation of young men and what will become of civility. It breaks my heart to hear stories where women feel they must mute their beauty, or shy away from living freely, because of what has been thrust upon them.
Keep writing.
A must share post. Indeed a powerful message to all men and women. “what you wear does not define a man’s sexual behavior, does not give them the right to speak such evil words.” I agree 100%. Men should respect women at any age. No means no.
Such a powerful post Ana, it’s awful that people have the attitude that we shouldn’t dress or behave certain ways. No means no, it doesn’t matter about anything else x
I am sorry you had to go through with this experience. I hate men who think “you are asking for it.” What about them? Isn’t there are times they wear body hugging jeans to show off their “bulge?” If they were assaulted for the same reason, how would they feel? OMG. What is this world coming to? No means No, and I believe this should have been taught from childhood in the home. Respect begets respect. Hugs to you Ana!
You know what, we will get there. We will keep talking about issues we face until they are beaten right out of our society and lives. As heart wrenching as the #MeToo stories were, we walk on, in solidarity, and with hope for a better world… We cannot give up.
What a powerful post to read. As a bloke I absolutely hate reading stories like this, makes me feel extremely uneasy.
This is the best thing I have read all day! YASSSSS, for god’s sake no means NO. Such a good message to spread, my friend!
It is just so annoying that some men don’t understand no. Street harassment is super annoying. Even more when no one does anything to help you. Once, some friends and I are were going back home after a night of clubbing and this guy went behind my friend and rubbed his penis on her. Disgusting! We yelled and called but he would not let go. Sexual assault that what it was. It is just tiring that either no one trusts you or just thinks it is normal
Ah yes, brings back memories. My daughter is seven and already I worry about her growing up knowing what it’s like to be a woman. Here’s hoping that she grows up to be a strong woman who is capable of saying no, no matter the circumstances. And who knows, by some miracle, things may have changed… Somehow, I doubt that.
This is a powerful post. I think the way society sees sexual harassment is changing and that is down to so many brave women speaking out, making people hear ‘no, means no’!
It really infuriates me when people simply do not get that you do not want or wish to give them your attention or comply with what they want. The should respect you and your personal space, but it is sad that we live in a world were people have less and lees respect.
Such a vivid post! It’s a terrible thing today where women are learning to fear how their dress and actions can catch the attention of sick-minded men. It is so important to stand up for ourselves and say no!
Yes I have on various occasions I find it ridiculous and shocking that no can ever mean anything but no.
I am glad that you are using your popular fashion and style blog to have this conversation with your readers. This is such a timely issue. Victim-blaming for choice of clothes or shoes worn has been going on since forever, and it is wrong and disgusting. Surprisingly, some of those pointing fingers and blaming are other women. That should not be the case. Women need to stand together as one and call out the perpetrators while providing support and healing to the victims.
Your post is so powerfull! I actually imagined myself in the situation you described and was a little bit scared as I continued reading. I cannot agree with you more on this topic. I cannot believe that we have to point out that no means no. When did it ever mean yes?!!
No means no and that is it! Well done for writing this and raising awareness. It makes me so sad to think of this happening to people across the world
This was brilliant and must say I feel proud that you wrote this. It is so important and I believe many girls, young women and women period go through this, and if its not properly addressed society turns a blind eye. Unfortunately, things like this before the media attention, actually takes place in ‘hidden’ everyday society. Hopefully, it empowers women rather than feelings of shame, perverted men should in fact feel.
This is a really powerful post! I love it! I haven’t taken part in the #metoo campaign but maybe I should. Things like the stories you wrote about have happened to me throughout my life. Thankfully, I live in an area where I am not hit on or cat called just for walking down the street but I am always on guard and probably will be for the rest of my life because of my past experiences. Thank you so much for writing this Ana! It’s so important that we get the message out there.
You have me so mad reading this! I want to jump through the computer and beat them men! No means No Is correct, I also think women need to carry some form of protection as well to protect themselves in situations like they Alley you mentioned!
It is amazing that in this day and age that these things still happen regularly. It is great that you stand up for yourself and have the self respect to fight back.
No should always mean no. There shouldn’t be any excuses. You should be able to dress however you like without the fear of being to blame of someone else’s stupid actions.
This just makes my skin crawl. Why do men think they can get away with this? I worry about raising my daughter in this world, but I’m more worried about raising my son. It’s so important to me that he knows how unacceptable sexual harassment is.
This is a really deep and powerful read. i used to work as a bartender and so many men would think that just because of my job, I was going to sleep with them. I had to have quite a few removed from my bar.
It’s 2017 and people still don’t know how to mind their own business and let people live the way they want, wear whatever they want and eat whatever they want. I’m sick of people thinking that they have every right to judge you and tell you what to do and not to do. pff
I was raped in my own bed when I was 17 so I always encourage people to speak out. At the moment I’m kind of getting annoyed with some of the stories in the newspaper and on the TV. There seem to be people who are coming out and making out that it’s only ever women that get this abuse and harassment, which I call BS on. Many women I would say are worse for making comments at men or drooling over them and sometimes grabbing their bums etc. I think more needs to be done in highlighting what is ok and what is not.
Excellent post. So important for people to be unafraid to speak out – and for sexual harassment to be taken seriously!
No means no and that should be the end of it, the problem is that it isn’t in some peoples eyes. It’s hard to speak out so by writing such a powerful piece you help give words of support to others.
Excellent post, we need to stand strong as women and refuse to put up with this behaviour towards us. No more victim shaming. Well done on such a powerful post x
This is a really powerful read, it made me a bit upset. It’s so awful how common sexual harrassment is.
It amazes me that in this day and age people still don’t get that no means no and that just because someone looks someway or acts a certain way doesn’t mean you can do what you want.
Such an important topic and well done for putting the information out there for people
Very emotional post. It is so sad that some people misunderstand what the other person is saying or trying to say and ends up crossing the line!
Absolutely no means no. You’d think in this day and age of women power and feminism and all that, people would understand this but with everything on the news these days, you realize how vulnerable and objectified women really still are. It is so important that we continue to be strong and confident and brave and know our worth.
It’s way past time that such crass and in many cases,illegal acts are being called out.
Its unacceptable to violate anyone’s space boundaries.
Oh Ana this post so hits home when it comes to the whole thing happening in Hollywood these days. No never means a Yes and that’s that.
What an emotional string of stories to read. I am so glad that the #metoo campaign is allowing victims to feel like they have a voice, even though it was always ok to tell their story
Such a powerful post no means no and its such a important topic to talk about its awful how common sexual assault is.
I’m so sorry. I recently shared a few stories from when I was abused and the hardest part was only picking a few, when my whole life has been full of “no means try harder” from men in my life.
No means no. Always. Consent must be given freely and enthusiastically.
The worst part of the #metoo campaign is realizing that harassment is such a universal part of the female experience. So horribly said. II had a guy start chasing me as I was walking my dog at 6am this summer. I got into my front door right before he got me and called 911. They had to come to my apartment and take him away. I’ve experienced lots of harassment in my life, but this one really freaked me out.
The Metoo campaign really did help to try and bring us together in our shared experience. It’s so sad most women have to go through some kind of sexual harassment or assault in their lifetimes. No means no! And we don’t owe anyone anything.
It’s so brave that you’re speaking out about this situation! That’s very intense.
A powerful and emotional post. It would really be tough experience that no one wishes to happen – but this abusers should really have some place to dwell on – not with people who tries to live their lives peacefully and meaningful. I always support group with same advocate and wish to have lesser victim.
This is a very powerful post. I think it is so important for people to speak out about what has happened to them.
I have to agree. It’s always no. No means No. This is such a powerful article. Love your silver dress btw.
It’s not just men, you know. I recall an instance where I worked with a woman who was constantly making advances towards me. In response, I repeatedly told her I wasn’t interested…Ultimately, I suppose she grew tired of rejection and falsely reported me for sexual harassment and I was fired!
I love your post! It is so powerful and it sends a great message that we must down back down from these harassment. Thanks for sharing.
yes or no i think all of us should have the courage to say and believe what we meant, it can be difficult at times but i remind myself how will i feel at the end of the day
Yes! Thank you for sharing this. I’m so glad this message is getting around brilliantly.
100% agree!! I’m fed up and Of the world we live in – having to rethink what we wear in case it’s ‘saying something ‘ etc . No means no ! X
This is a very powerful post. Very well said too! No definitely means No. It is annoying that we still have to talk about these issues in 2017.
Powerful read! I agree no means no. There should be no such rules that you can’t dressed up like that. This is an important topic thanks for sharing.
Such a powerful read. This is an important topic. Thanks for sharing.
What a powerful post, thanks for sharing this important topic. It’s sad that even still today plenty of women and men experience sexual harassment. Even sadder when other people don’t care enough to step up and help someone in need like the situation above.
It’s maddening to have to write a post about this matter at our day and age. No means no always!
Such a powerful post-Ana. I could picture the scene as I was reading it. No Means No. It is such an important post to share and be seen.
Wow this is a post with a strong purpose. Yes unfornuately I have delt with minor sexual violations in my life but I always stood my ground. Its to the point now think women need to make mandatory self defense classes because some men do not respect NO.
I’ve been sexually harassed for so many years that it is the norm. It shouldn’t be. It’s wrong and I wish it was taken more seriously.
I stopped my background music while reading this! It’s such a good post and so important. No is no. I think even the ‘good’ guys sometimes are not fully aware of what an immense amount of actions and words (even if meant in a ‘nice’ way) can make women feel uncomfortable. It’s time to speak up and say no!
Your stories reflect many women out there who are dealing with it now. I hope they feel empowered to speak out and up.
This post yells power to me, what an amazing and inspirational lady you are. I wrote something similar a few years ago and I cannot believe victims still get the blame. It does not matter what you wear, it’s irrelevant. You deserve to have right to your own body and it’s gross that some of us aren’t given that choice 🙁
I agree with to some extent, but as per my point of view sexual harassment is not related to dressing style. However it is the sickness of mind and is present in some people.
What a very powerful read this was. You know, with all going on right now I’ve been really trying to teach my kids no means no, especially my boys. No means no and has, and always will. It’s time more people start to learn this and respect it.
No certainly means NO! It can apply for both men and women. I cannot comprehend those who can ever think about committing acts this terrible let alone doing it. It shows a clear failing in society and the way people are raised and feel as if they can get away with it. The impact it can have on a person’s life is beyond words and we need to do more to promote awareness, enforce punishment and help victims.
No certainly means NO! It can apply for both men and women. I cannot comprehend those who can ever think about committing acts this terrible let alone doing it. It shows a clear failing in society and the way people are raised and feel as if they can get away with it. The impact it can have on a person’s life is beyond words and we need to do more to promote awareness, enforce punishment and help victims to the best of our abilities.
Such a powerful post! I know several of my friends who have been victimized, and this campaign is something they need to join for sure!
Wow. Love this post. Sexual harassment is something that effects so all of us at some point in our lives, and makes all of us feel uncomfortable and unsafe.
No means no. And if they pursue, you have the right to defend yourself.
More reason to learn self defense and karate nowadays.
As the mother of a son, I think we can do a lot to start changing attitudes so that, hopefully, the next generation won’t have to put up with what we went through. I think men need to start calling out the harassers and tell them that it is unacceptable. Their silence enables their peers to get away with it.
I totally agree, no means no!! Very powerful post!! We are sick of sexual harassment!! never been a victim of it, but I feel sad for every woman who had been !! Thanks for sharing this powerful post, hope it will help every woman out there!
Yes, it is so important to speak out – this is such an important topic that shouldn’t be hidden away xx
I wish everyone understood this. I was sexually assaulted for 4 year by someone who should’ve protected me, my step-father. I love the #MeToo campaign and how it’s helped victims like myself find our voices.
This was so emotional and powerful to read! I have been in a scary situation and they did not take no for an answer.
In light of the recent discussion in society many are starting to realise that no really does mean no! I like many other women have been sexually harassed at times in my past and have been made to feel extremely uncomfortable but it is not right that women are made to feel as though they do something to encourage such behaviour by predatory men. I guess it speaks volumes that so few convictions are brought forth from this sort of thing. Very powerful post!
Sadly, those who need to hear and read it have blinders on. They are drinking their own coolaid, rich with lame excuses and fucked up justifications. No still means NO ; it is an answer we must stand firmly together and shout out to the world. We must all stand on that principle or perish.
This is so well done and powerful. Thank you so much for sharing. It is so important that voices can be heard.
This is such a great post. NO means NO means NO. I have 21 year old and 17 year old daughters. They shouldn’t be worried about how they dress etc, men should be told no means no.
Powerful, personal and really well written – I’m glad that these kinds of posts (and the comments/discussion it inspires) exist x
Sexual harassment and assault are sadly all too common and with more and more instances coming into the media I hope it gains more recognition. The #metoo campaign is also fantastic for raising awareness and although I have had minor/brief experience in harassment it is still a powerful experience for anyone to have to go through!
It’s sad to say but I don’t think many women escape from sexual harassment. At some point in your life, you have to deal with it, which is just sad. It’s time this stopped. Not only do we have to speak up sooner, but men need to speak up and tell their friends, co-workers, etc. that it is not okay to treat women this way. We also need to raise our sons not to speak or act in such a manner or the cycle will never stop.
The saddest thing about this post is that so many women will be able to relate to it. Really well written and from one strong woman to another – you ARE beautiful.
This is so powerful. I wish I could get everyone I know to read this and learn
Wow this is a very powerful and emotional read! It really is so sad that us women can’t wear what we want sometimes without being judged or harassed.
Yes, like most woman I have had some form of harassment in my life to varying degrees.
It’s completely out of order for this behaviour to happen and there is no excuse for it. I remember those feelings of terror walking down an alley in London to get home and running towards the end of the alley as fast as possible. I had one middle aged man walk in to the store where I worked once and ask me if I wanted to have dinner with him. I was horrified, another asked me if I was available for $100 when I was just walking home from work one night. I was devastated and cried so much that someone would even say that to a random Woman on the street.
So powerful topic. We must respect ourselves and our thoughts When it comes to say No, we should think about that and then stick to it.
People should learn to respect when being said no, please understand that no means no. An important and powerful topic people should read nowadays.
Luckily nothing like that has happened to me, but Hubby has recently had to deal with an issue of sexual harassment at his place of work which resulted in the individual being dismissed. What shocked me most was that he thought he had done nothing wrong
A great read for everyone! The light being shed on this awful abuse is the best thing to happen. As long as people think they can get away with it because the victims won’t speak up, the more comfortable they are with their actions.
great post! I sadly don’t think I know a woman who hasn’t been sexually harassed! I have been a few times, it’s almost like it’s a part of a women’s life (which is NOT right!) I’m glad that women are fed up and are truly trying to make a change now! We stand united! let’s make a change and pressure good men who respect women to pressure poor behaved men to stop and that No means No! (it can’t just come from women)
One of the times I was being sexually harassed on a city bus by a drunk man and only ONE man stood up for me as the others did nothing! I thanked that man and was happy he helped! (if only there were more men out there like the one who cared enough to help!)
You’re such a powerful lady, my dear. Sharing this nowadays really help our women out there to stand up and speak out the truth about their harassment experiences. We just need to move on and stop thinking about, “why women are just speaking up right now?”. Of course, it’s not that easy and fast to deal with this issue, especially if men are so stupid to understand the word “NO”. Stay brave and strong my doll.
-Gerome of G&D Blog
http://www.gdblog.net
Some days I fear getting too dressed up because of the way men are. Now with two kids and a third on the way, I know it’s important to not only protect myself but them as well.
It’s sad that no matter how much you try to protect yourself and those around you, there are people out there who are looking to cause you harm.
Thank you for being real and honest. This was a powerful post and must read! There is no exception, no means no!
It’s awful that you have experienced this so much. It’s truly awful how some men can be. What gives them the right to treat women in that way? It is definitely important for people to speak out.
This is a much needed post, especially with all of the allegations coming out of Hollywood. There are some “men” (I use that term loosely) that need to learn that no does indeed mean no.
What a powerful read, thanks so much for sharing this. I just don’t see how it’s still something that gets overlooked or not taken seriously!
It’s sad to know that sexual harrassment still exists yesterday, today and maybe tomorrow. This has to stop. Luckily, more and more women are stepping up to fight for their rights. No means must be taken seriously.
No one deserves to be treated like that. This really touched me.
No means no without any explanation or reason having to be given. Such a powerful read.
It is so sad that almost every woman has been a victim of sexual harassment. I choose to not dwell on it, because I’ve done a lot of thinking on the matter, and I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how much we talk about it or shine light on the subject, there will always be sickos out there. It’s very upsetting. All we can do is stay safe and strong! No always means no!
I think most every woman will experience it at some point in her life. The cat calling, the “you should smile,” touching you without permission, and so much more. It’s really terrifying and I don’t think many men have a single clue about it. I have talked to my husband about this because he did something as a teenager to a girl that made my skin crawl. He didn’t assault her, but he forced himself in her personal space. When he told me the story, I was livid and couldn’t speak to him for hours. I know that experience and it’s very scary. I don’t think he ever even realized the terror and fear he caused that girl until he had his own daughters and thought about that experience for them.
One vivid memory: being sexually harassed in high school. A special education teacher who assisted a student in one of my art classes started talking inappropriately to female students…saying things like he would love to see what we looked like in a bathing suit. It was a 3-D art class and you had to go in this corner to put your clay pieces on a shelf to get fired in the kiln, and he brushed up against me in a tight space. That was the last straw. I went to the principal’s office and told. As soon as I left the office, he walked off the staircase around the corner (just by coincidence) and said something inappropriate again. That’s when I broke down, went back to the office…told them what happened and called my parents. My father drove to the school immediately. I remember he left the house so fast that he was wearing two different shoes. He was livid. He wanted to find the guy but he was gone. The special education teacher was immediately transferred (not fired) to another school. As I look back…seems our school had a few incidents with special education teachers acting inappropriately. One guy was arrested for molestation of a girl that was non-verbal.
This is such an important topic for woman (and men) to talk about and this post is both powerful and inspiring, thanks so much for sharing
Laura x
Wow, you could have literally been describing my life. I hate that these stories are so familiar, that almost all of us go through similar experiences. I wish I could be as brave as you and share it publicly. It’s so funny how men will get rejected and then suddenly insult you and act like they weren’t interested in the first place, it’s so childish yet can be horrendous for a woman’s self esteem!
No always means no. I am teaching my daughter that from a young age, that she always has the power to say no.
No means no, nothing else. Thank you for reminding everyone to stand up and become warriors. You’re an inspiration.
A great post. Harassment can’t be brushed under the carpet anymore. It’s just not acceptable. Hopefully we’re seeing the beginning of the end of this type of behaviour. Thanks so much for sharing.
A no means a no and everyone should understand it. There are a lot of women suffering from sexual harassment everywhere and it is because no one cares about it. It is time we protect ourselves and others when we see such things. By the way you looked stunningly gorgeous in your dress. Just love it.
So true!! Catcalling needs to stop. But I do think all the media against it is working slowly. When I travel there is a HUGE difference between countries where it’s bad and countries where it’s started to get a negative stigma.
This is beautifully written. No always means no and you are a true warrior.
What powerful read. In fact, today’s women can’t wear anything they want because of fear of danger, sexual harassment. I’ve met this situation, it was really scary but luckily I was saved by people.
This post really hits home, especially in light of recent events that have come to light in the media. Seeing the #MeToo hashtag on Twitter really highlights the importance of us having these conversations around rape culture and the way women are treated in our society.
Extremely powerful words. True – No means no. I still remember the terror of walking down a alleyway while I was staying in London. For almost 3 plus years, I was living in London for my university. Those days were unforgettable.
So well-written, as always, full of emotion, yet demanding critical thinking and introspection. As a mother of three beautiful daughters (all older than you are, I think, and by the way, I happen to think you ARE a beautiful young woman as well!), and now a grandmother of 4 adorable granddaughters … the situations you have described are things I worry about for their sake. NO should always mean NO – and men who blame women for their (men’s) behavior are disgusting and without any moral compass. They need to be held responsible and accountable for their OWN behavior, not blame it on ANYONE else!
Very powerful post! great read, needs to be more things like this on the internet Thank you for this powerful message!
No should mean no, its disgusting to think that people feel they can make unwanted sexual advances onto others. I’ve had unnecessary comments etc from men that I’ve worked with but nothing physical thankfully.
Equally, Ive seen women make unnecessary comments to men, but that doesnt seem to be frowned upon for some reason.
No should mean no from and to EVERYONE.
This is such a powerful post, I am so glad you shared this. No definitely means no, I really hope the whole world makes an understanding with regards to this.