Confessions Of A Spendaholic

Since I was a young girl my biggest vice was spending money because it made me feel empowered and allowed me to escape my personal problems. From clothes to eating out I would swipe my card without a care in the world only to come crashing back to reality when my money ran out. Ever since I became a blogger I have had periods where I have spent a lot of money one week only to go on a hiatus the week after. I no longer spend money on clothes anymore because I don’t need any more clothes but what I do spend money on is travel and food. I have to travel to London nearly everyday because of the nature of my work and subsequently spend money on eating out because I will be out all day. The costs add up and although I have cut back on spending recently clearly it has not been enough. I had a shock when I saw my bank balance this morning and it made me realize just how much I spend on travel each day; the costs are sickening. I just don’t know what to do, I have so many commitments yet not enough funds to stick to the commitments and I feel bad. There are people relying on me but what can I do if I don’t know when my next pay cheque is coming in?

As a freelancer my earnings are sparse and I have been desperately trying to find new ways to make money but the problem is it is taking too long. I work bloody hard so it makes me anxious that despite all the jobs I do I am not earning nearly enough to fund my lifestyle. I have always had problems with managing my budget and I think it stems from my poor maths skills which no matter how hard I try to grasp it always seems to confuse me. I want to learn how to budget and stick to the budget, I want to find new ways of helping me stop spending money but at the same time earn enough so that I can travel to and from events without living in fear that my card could get blocked.I don’t want to go into my overdraft again but what other choice do I have? How else am I going to eat, pay bills and know that there will still be a roof over my head? Living as an adult is frightening but then again I have never had a childhood so to speak. In some ways I was an adult before I was a teenager and had to grow up very quickly to deal with the abuse and bullying I had as a child, teen and even adult. But in other ways I still have a lot to learn; how can I manage money effectively and are there costs I can cut down on to save money each week?

There will always be costs you can cut down on, from subscriptions (guilty as charged) to coffee shops we need to learn to say no to luxuries. It is hard, before when I was still in a rural location when I had little money it wasn’t as bad because I hardly traveled to London and now temptation is everywhere. Luckily I conditioned myself to give up my biggest vice [shopping] but I still have a long way to go yet. I need to work on my ability to resist coffee shops at stations and learn to wait until I get home. I need to start taking sandwiches and snacks with me when I travel and pour decaf tea into a flask so that I can have my hot drink fix without paying a penny.

But this is easier said than done, my problem is that I will be ‘good’ for a week and not stick to my ‘money diet’ plan the week after. It is not so much a lack of focus or willpower its more that I don’t restrain myself and give in far too easily. Some people like to drink, take drugs or do reckless activities and I like to spend money. Granted it might not be the worst vice to have but for me it worries me. How on earth am I going to survive when I am living off a pension if my spending habits are as bad as they are now? I just don’t know how my future will pan out and it scares me.

Most people would say borrow money from a friend but I have too much pride. If there is one thing that you should know about me is that I hate asking for help. I would rather try and figure it out myself then borrow money because it makes me feel guilty. I think that because I was brought up in a culture where you need to work for your money it always makes me anxious that people will judge me if I ask for help. But I know deep down that people wont judge and would be willing to help me out, it is all in my head and I can’t seem to shake my irrational fears. All I know is that I am stuck in a financial rut and although I am not defeated I am wondering what happens next? 

Do you have problems with managing your finances?