Pre-twenties, the only version of BDSM I had ever known was the cult phenomenon ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, where adults and teens alike swooned over the (in my opinion) problematic characterization of Christian Gray, whose ‘redeeming qualities’ included ‘being abusive’, ‘controlling as f**k and a perpetrator of his own masculine fantasy. It was a book and film series that perpetuated an outdated narrative where the female must ‘submit’ and create totenistic resistance to a man’s demands, in order to claim the ‘male fantasy’ as their own, when in actuality the females needs and wants never seemed to be taken into account. Coupled with the romanticization of an abusive relationship, influencing the audiences negative perception of women’s sexual agency and the overall sense of an ‘abusive fairytale’ that demands women lose their sexual freedom for the sexual gratification of a man, it’s easy to see why BDSM does not always get a glowing rep. After all a niche that is seemingly all about coercing women into choosing the ‘male fantasy’ is not exactly what I would call a winning sexual formula. But is BDSM solely about conditioning women into accepting the male fantasy as their own, or is there something in it for us? After all as someone who has limited experience in BDSM, but whose experiences haven’t been wholly positive, can I believe that BDSM does not take away women’s sexual control and power?
My experiences of BDSM haven’t always been positive, true, but there has always been an element of ‘light bondage’ play that excites me, whether that be being tied to the bed, or allowing a man to take control in the bedroom , which might seemed vanilla, but it is nevertheless a turn on. After all a man who is not selfish in the bedroom, and demands that he ‘satisfies you instead’ without you needing to give anything in return is a rather refreshing turn of events. But BDSM with someone who you share no trust with, who you have no relationship with, even someone is little more than a stranger is uncomfortable, feels demoralizing and perpetuates the lack of consideration for your physical and mental wellbeing. As someone who dates people who are older than me, I have come across many men who are into BDSM, and when I asked why they said that ‘normal sex’ did not ‘excite them anymore’ and they were looking for new ways to keep stuff fresh in the bedroom. Thus, seeing myself as being fairly open minded, I said that I would be willing to try ‘new things out’ but only if I was comfortable with what they were proposing. And in some instances I was not comfortable with what they would ask me to do, and made it clear that their male fantasy bubble was not something that I would be interested in. As an example after a horrendous date with a backpacker who was travelling from Australia, feeling humiliated and swallowing my pride, I agreed to a date with E, who was older, spontaneous and interested in meeting up with me. I was well aware that it would be a sex date, given the time that we would be meeting, but I wanted to push my boundaries and be a little more spontaneous, given that I was not always comfortable about going outside of my comfort zone.
What I was not aware of, or prepared for was his BDSM fetish, and how he automatically assumed that I would be comfortable with what he had in mind, which I was not. Not only did he want me to ‘call him daddy’, tell him I was 19 and ‘dress me up’, but he also wanted me to ‘vomit on his face’, asked if he could snort ‘coke off my arse’ and made questionable remarks about women, feminism and declared that we were far too PC, as men should always be ‘in charge’. While there is more to the story, and a narrative for another time, my experience with BDSM with this guy was someone who was not respectful of my boundaries, and while didn’t make me do anything I was not comfortable with (I did not agree to any of the above requests), at the same time, was putting a lot of pressure on me to buy into a world which I was not overly familiar with or knew very little about. But my experiences with BDSM haven’t all been negative; a guy who was into edging, and ‘pleasing the female’ said that while they were into BDSM, they would not introduce ‘hardcore play’ into intimate relations with someone who they barely knew, as they felt that true BDSM required ‘trust’ and a strong bond. I was gratified to hear that he was mindful of my physical and emotional wellbeing during sex, and above all agreed that BDSM requires a lot of trust and a deep and meaningful bond with the person you are sharing it with, which is why I have always been freaked out by guys who propose it the first time we have sex, because I have no bond or relationship with them. This guy kept it light and simple by asking if I would like to be handcuffed to the bed,while he would do all the legwork during sex, so to speak, to which I said yes, because the idea of being dominated with my consent excited me, even if I was used to being more dominant during sex.
So how can BDSM play become less problematic for women, transforming from sex that fulfills the male fantasy, to sex where both men and women can direct and initiate sexual activity without either party needing to suppress their own needs or limit their sexual pleasure? Good question. In many women’s eye, including my own from personal experience, BDSM has often mimicked porn, where men have directed sex, with women accepting sexual practices without voicing their own wants and desires, and being depicted us enjoying the male fantasy and accepting it as their own. Indeed, from my own sexual research I have found that I have often accepted the male sex narrative to ‘please them’ without being more vocal about what I want in the bedroom, even when it has left me feeling unsatisfied as a result. Well, it turns out that for some women, BDSM can be less problematic if their emotional and physical well being is addressed, if her and her partner have set limits and are on the same page about bondage and restraint, with check ins and safe words, to ensure that boundaries are not crossed without their consent, making women in charge of their own sexual fantasy, as opposed to being caught up in what men want instead. In fact sites like My BDSM Hookups, allow women to create their own sexual fantasies, ensuring that safety is always a number one priority.
Confused? Read on below to find out more…
Physical Safety
In order to actually have fun and feel comfortable with BDSM, you need to follow certain safety protocol, that takes both parties into consideration. There are a series of BDSM checklists that can enable you to find out what sort of things would turn you on, what you and your partner feel comfortable with and what kind of BDSM makes you feel uncomfortable or is something that you are not into. For example you might not be into ‘butt play’ thus anything related to anal, rimming or sex toys like butt plugs that are aimed to pleasure that region, might be something that you would not want to do during sex. It is always important to put safety first, and while I am open to trying new things in the bedroom, at the same time, the BDSM that I have enjoyed has always been about ensuring that I have had my physical and emotional wellbeing taken into account, as opposed to being pressured into sex that I am not necessarily comfortable with. That’s why safe words and check ins, as you will read below, are so important to guarantee your physical safety, and to ensure that you are not being coerced into sexual activity that is not being directed by you. Done right, you can have the orgasm of your dreams. Done wrong and you can be put off BDSM for life.
Setting Limits
The reason why my own experiences of bdsm dating have been very mixed is because boundaries were not always set, and they never introduced safe words or set limits to help me vocalize when something was out of my comfort zone. While I always spoke up if I didn’t want to do something (like Call Me Daddy, who I was very firm with), at the same time, the idea of safe words would have enabled me to take back control in BDSM situations and be in control of my own sexual destiny as opposed to having my ‘sexual fate’ in the hands of someone else. After all if we set physical and emotional boundaries in our personal lives, then surely we should be afforded the same kind of free will in the bedroom?While these limits are not set in stone and can change as you get more comfortable with play, it’s important to have them as you’re going into any BDSM encounter so that both you and your partner know what’s ok and what’s off limits, especially if this is the first time that you are both trying out BDSM. It is important to note that both partners need to set limits too, as physical and emotional safety is so important during BDSM play. For example let’s say that you have decided to become a ‘dom’ and you want to have sex with your partner at a ‘sex party’ but your partner as a sub, is uncomfortable with the idea. This then becomes a ‘limit’ that should be respected because they have already voiced that this is not a turn on for them, and is not something that they are open to. This then becomes a ‘limit’ that is set in stone because it is not something that will allow them to express sexual freedom. On the the other hand you might be a sub whose Dom wanted you to be handcuffed to the bed but you don’t feel like you have enough of a bond yet to engage in such intimate activity so state that you are open to it in the future, but for now do not want to say yes. This becomes a ‘soft limit’ as it is malleable to change but should nevertheless be just as respected as a hard limit.
Safe Words
It can be hard knowing how you can come up with safe words, especially if you are new to BDSM play like myself, which is why having safe words can be helpful for a number of reasons. While you might be tempted to choose something random like ‘pineapple’, most BDSM players state that using a ‘traffic light system’ is the most effective way of using safe words, because it uses a fairly simple formula. For example green indicates that you are good to go, amber or yellow means slow down, whereas red means that you are in pain/are uncomfortable and would like your partner to stop. You might also like to use go, slow down, or stop as safe words too, as they clearly indicate what you want during sex that uses BDSM. However your safe words are personal to you, so you don’t necessarily need to follow the traffic light system to remain safe during sex play, just make sure to discuss with your partner beforehand so that you are both on the same page.
Check Ins
As someone who is new to the BDSM world, learning that there were ‘check ins’ had never been something I had come across in my experience, but is something that I do feel needs to be firmly put in place before sex begins. For example lets say that you are a dom or a top, a check in is useful because it allows you to see whether the bottom or the sub is comfortable with the play. You can use this time to ask the sub how they are feeling , as communication is vital during any sexual encounter whether that be with a partner or otherwise. And if you are the sub, please make sure that you make the dom aware of how you are feeling, and whether you are enjoying everything that takes place, because you matter. Check ins don’t have to be complicated either, simply asking a sub whether they remember their safe words, if they are comfortable or how they are feeling, will enable smooth communication that takes both your sexual needs into account. You should also look out for the physical signs, if someone is visibly showing signs of distress, does not appear to be enjoying it, is in pain or looks dizzy please stop immediately and ensure that they are ok. Having snacks and juices on hand will be ideal too, as it is important to keep their blood sugars up and allow them to gain their strength back if they are feeling unwell.
Bondage And Restraint
Being tied up can be fun, whether that be handcuffed to the bed or being tied up with scarves, but scarves, nylons and cheap handcuffs are actually not recommended to be used by BDSM practitioners because they can cut off your circulation. Instead invest in higher quality restraints such as real police handcuffs and rope as opposed to scarves, because both tools do not tighten during play, especially if you are resisting against them, as opposed to scarves which tighten as you struggle against them. It is also important to note that BDSM can be less problematic and more enjoyable if you continue to monitor your partners wants and needs, as well as checking in for physical signs during bondage and restraint such as any tingling or numbness because this means that you are losing circulation and should stop what you are doing. Remember safety first. After all it is important to be aware of physical wellbeing in the bedroom, which is why ‘throat constriction’ is not recommended and is something that should be avoided for complications in health, triggers or even in some cases, death. It also goes without saying that if someone is being restrained, they should never be left alone because that can have a severe impact on their emotional and physical wellbeing.
Emotional Safety
Speaking of safety, physical safety goes hand in hand with ensuring that both parties are ’emotionally safe’. What I mean by that sex, whether it is BDSM or otherwise, should always be CONSENSUAL. if someone says that they are not comfortable with the idea of something i.e using a large dildo during sex, then you should never force them to go against their will, nor should you continue when they are showing visible signs of distress, have told you to stop and are bleeding. Sure they might have enjoyed it at first, but never continue when their emotional safety is at stake, as well as their physical wellbeing. Learning about what headspace you are in and whether you are eotionally ready for the ‘play’ or scenario that you or your partner has proposed is so vital to ensuring good BDSM play, as well as checking in with your emotional safety. For example I was asked by someone who I was seeing as to ‘when we could go to a sex party’ and as someone who was still getting to know this person and also new to BDSM, I did not feel comfortable with the idea and told them that ‘while that was their fantasy, I did not know them enough to even contemplate the idea and said that in order to even think about ‘sex parties’ I would need to be in a serious and commited relationship with someone who I trusted. The guy seemed affronted, particularly when I pointed out that he needed to be more attentive to my sexual needs, but I was not in the right head space to be contemplating having sex in a room full of strangers, no matter how open minded I might be. After all, good sex is about communication, so there needs to be a joint consensus when it comes to BDSM play.
Aftercare
Just like when you have aftercare after a treatment, it is important to ensure that you have good aftercare after BDSM too, whether you are a newbie or an experienced BDSM player. Regardless of whether both parties have appeared to have had a good time, have orgasmed, or the scene has ended with a safe word or check in, you still need to implement aftercare for emotional and physical safety. For example that might be as simple as snuggling on the couch or having a bath together, to heal physically and mentally from the scene. Equally it might be more intense aftercare depending on the sexual activity that you engaged in such as massaging sore muscles, attending to any bruises that occurred during sex or wrapping them in blankets so that they heat up, if they have dropped in temperature. Emotional aspects of the aftercare might include spooning, telling your partner how you feel about them and expressing how you both felt about the BDSM play i.e what you liked and what you didn’t like, as well as whether you want to try BDSM again or stating if it is not for you. It is important to be honest and state what your turn ons and tur offs are, so that both you and your partner are on the same page.
Have You Ever Tried BDSM Before?
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