There was a time when I thought I was a lost cause; used and abused I had lost faith in men and eventually in relationships. I was happy for a while and told myself that I didn’t need a man to make me happy. When friends told me that I ‘needed to find someone’ I shrugged them off and said that no man was going to make my life complete as only I had the power to gain life satisfaction. And it was true, never have I believed that it was wrong to be single and I still don’t, in fact it is perfectly normal. Women seem to be labelled spinisters before their time and I am noticing that the older I get, the more that society seems to think there is something inherently wrong with me. I mean how dare I be living the single life and not be tied down to some guy I barely know… Except there is one little tiny snag, when I laugh off not wanting to find a guy and being ‘perfectly happy on my own’ I am in fact lying to myself. I just don’t know if it stems out of loneliness or is a geniune want to find a relationship. To be honest I have always been unlucky in love and over the years my ‘metaphorical wall’ has got higher and higher until it became a prison of my own making. When I am complimented I shrug it off and when I like someone I pretend they don’t exist. It makes me sound like a heartless bitch but truth is I am scared of getting hurt, ultimately I am scared of rejection. I despise being made to feel like a failure and when I think that I guy could never like me back I go straight into that mindset without a second thought.
Recently I met this guy who in my own words was my dream man; he was blonde, blue eyed and had looks that could kill. Best of all I was actually his type and much to my surprise I made the first move. You see earlier this year I worked with him only to never see him again until by chance months later. It was an omen I believed, a lucky omen that told me I couldn’t let him get away again. So I went forth with brave heart and secured a date much to my surprise but ever the realist I was convinced he would never text, except I was wrong. He texted within hours and it was a text with promise, or so I thought. But the conversation seemed a little stilted after that and I was convinced that he would stand me up. I was wrong again and he looked even better than I had remembered with that rougish twinkle in his eye we went into the cutest little cafe you could imagine. The date or rather the meet-up went far better than I expected and we didn’t stop laughing, nor did the conversation stop flowing. Time went by at the drop of a hat and when the time came to leave I lingered a little longer. This guy had quite literally bared his soul to me and told me things that I wasn’t sure he had told anyone else. He was a complicated guy with issues but I like a challenge and quite in opposition to his perception of me I was able to handle his confession with open warmth and understanding. I admired his honesty and was a little shamefaced that I wasn’t brave enough to bare my own skeletons in the closet. I told him a few things of course but I didn’t tell him the story that I want noone to know. I kept making hints to meet up again but he would deftly bring the conversation onto safer ground. I couldn’t tell whether he was shy or just not that into me. It was a little unsettling to say the least but nevertheless the giddy ‘schoolgirl’ feeling I felt showed that I liked him at least. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and due to my anxiety I can become obsessive; going on a dinner date with one of my good friends she told me to stop being pessimistic and almost convinced me that he would want to meet me again. Except I have been through this shit enough times to know how this merry-go-round works. I am the girl that never seems to get the guy, end of story. I am a realist and deep down despite our chemistry I thought that he didn’t see me in that way and I think I am right. At the moment I don’t know the whole truth, the only thing is I like a guy that doesn’t seem to be that into me but I like him. It just seems to be my luck, the one time I actually make a move and the guy ghosts me out. He didn’t have to say yes if he didn’t like me like that but maybe I am just overthinking things as usual. He hasn’t done anything wrong and neither have I but I don’t know what will happen next and I think that scares me. I am to scared to ask him directly whether he actually likes me because I am worried the answer is already pre-determined, I am worried it will be a no and I am not sure how much more rejection I can take right now. It’s kind of weird because he seems to be a completely different person in text, one who I have to push to make conversation yet in person there seems to be no barrier. I don’t really know what to do but I know that its making my anxiety go through the roof and when I am in this obsessive state of mind, time sees to go still. Its been so long since I have felt this strongly about someone and I barely know the guy. Yet I feel that in one way we are kindred spirits, maybe it wouldn’t be corny to say that I see a bit of myself in him. We are both damaged souls but maybe just maybe I am not what he needs right now. I just feel humiliated again and I don’t know why. Have You Ever Been Unlucky In Love?