The Midnight Hour
‘Crawl into the midnight hour, the scent of morning dew upon your lips,
Peer into the star-stricken night, the tears of Arion numbing your sight,
Grovel at the tomb of darkness, festering wounds re-opened once more,
Loathing germs breeding, uniting, in bloated corpses we seek regeneration’
Growing up writing was my only escape, it was the one outlet that did not judge me for who I was. I was bullied, abused and teased mercilessly but a pen could never betray me. The ink was a soothing medium that allowed me to be true to myself and even to this day I feel at peace when letting the words flow from my mind. Unable to turn to anyone with my troubles the only thing that prevented the loneliness was writing, putting my tortured thoughts into therapeautic stories or poems was a healing process that would wash away the scars of my past.
I am a writer with a vision, where societies are not stratified in accordance to looks but given the freedom to be themselves. I thank my lucky stars that my pen and my keyboard enables me to have the free will and independence that I crave yet many are prohibited from freedom of speech. Chinese citizens are controlled by an authoritarian governement who restrict internet access, freedom of speech and words that reject the stifling ethos of the Chinese governing state.Institutional authoritarianism is unacceptable and should not be accepted by its victims. Young children are learning that their words, even in the ‘safety’ of their own home are monitored and the letters that are deep within must lay concealed in its cardiovascular chamber.
That is why I am thankful that my words are not guarded like a lion marking it’s territory because without writing I would not be where I am today. I began writing a diary from the age of 10 when I first went into care but it became more frequent when I entered secondary school. The taunts, the laughter and the whispered comments were like surgical incisions inside my chest. It hurt so much to know that even my supposed friends were joining in. Why because they thought it would make them ‘cool’? I would run to the tranqil safety of my journal, the words dripping from my pen like a cascading waterfall of emotion. But even my own words were censored when ‘J’ would read my diaries and then claim to Social Services that I had left it open for her to read, even though I had hidden it. ‘J’ took away my diaries one at a time segregating them into a barren corner of the loft, upset with the truths that I had documented. Me and ‘J’ had a rocky relationship growing, strict and quick to blame I would become a scapegoat for almost everything yet I know that there was a lot that I had done wrong too.
Now we have a close relationship but I still feel nostalgic for the diaries of my past. I want to be able to look into the lens of a 14 or 15 year old girl and know how I really felt in each situation now matter how minor I think it is now. The point is writing should never be restricted; writing is an extension of my identity and without a pen and paper or a keyboard and computer screen I would be lost, mapping the stars of a past long buried. Not everyone is infatuated with writing as I am but we are all unique and should be celebrated for our differences. A pen never spoke back, a keyboard never teased me and both were uncomprimisingly there for me when I needed them most.Together we can conquer the world.
To me writing is spiritual, I live, breathe and consume writing. There is not a day that goes past that I do not write and I urge you to do the same. Recently I heard that model and actress Cara Delivigne dedicates 10 minutes to writing three pages of random thoughts every day in order to keep her grounded and it is an ethos that I completely identify with. When we are working or looking after children we are physically/mentally exhausted all the time and writing can be a way of going into ‘Zen’ mode. In other words while some use Yoga as an outlet to de-stress I use a pen or keyboard to keep me feeling sane.
I am a warrior and my keyboard is my shield against humanity. Writing is dimensional giving you the capacity to explore realms and dimensions that you never knew existed outside of your mind. Imagination has no limits; a tool to empower and revolutionize the world as we know it. Most of all writing is a phenomenon that has shaped the society we live in today. Without writing we would be wandering in the darkness, unable to document the events of our past with relying on hearsay.
How does writing make you feel?
Photography: Jumanna Khanom
Ribbed Turtleneck: Primark
Skirt: AX Paris
Sleeveless Waistcoat: Miss Selfridges
Boots: New Look